Shaping Up
Two of yesterday's action movie stars are Arnold "governor of KahliFORnia" Schwarzenegger and Sylvester "Sylvie" Stallone. These days they’re a bit more spongey than ripply, but they set a precedent in Hollywood.
Their success has forced subsequent movie stars to bulk up, and this in turn has given the average musclehead an air of legitimacy. Instead of being considered really dumb guys who spend six hours every day lifting weights so they can have more ripples than an ice cream parlor, they are now thought to look good too.
There was a time when acquiring enough muscle to single-handedly flip over a Volvo, as desirable as that skill is, was nevertheless considered pointless. After all, these guys are never around when you have a need to flip a Volvo over. They are always at the gym, or too exhausted from working out even to lift a fountain pen (not that any of them have ever tried), or too busy shaving their chests.
This, by the way, is something I only recently discovered. In my innocence I used to think it odd that all these incredibly beefy gentlemen were totally devoid of body hair. I expected to see at least one furry Neanderthal among body builders, but alas, none of them are furry. Then I heard one of them discussing what a nuisance it is waxing chest hair. This is not the sort of thing one imagines going on in men's locker rooms.
Rudy: "Hey Wolfgang, is that the new painless depilatory kit I've heard so much about?"
Wolfgang: "Why, yes, it is. It does cause a slight burning sensation though."
Hans: "I haf a vunderful lotion fur dat. Want to try some?"
Wolfgang: "Thank you. Would you mind waxing my back?"
Hardly the sort of manly banter you expect from guys who individually weigh more than an entire former East German women's Olympic team (you pick the sport).
This practice, however, may be what makes body builders so appealing to women. They have experienced the pain. They can swap secrets on how to keep your legs really silky-smooth. It must be something like this, because body builders are too grotesque to be physically attractive. Physical contact is difficult because you cannot be sure the guy can feel anything through all that muscle, and this means you risk being crushed like an over-ripe peach. By the time the body builder's senses detect that he has made contact, and is actually hugging you successfully, your shoulders are three inches closer together.
Women are always claiming that what they look for in a man is "intelligence and a sense of humor," but their penchant for body builders proves neither is important. The fact that they are willing to wax their chests should prove that body builders don't have much on the ball in the brains department. On the one hand, it does endear them to women, but on the other hand they spend all their time in the gym in front of the mirror, ignoring those women. As for their sense of humor, body builders' funny bones are too encased in muscle to register much of anything.
Rudy: "Look! a 98-pound weakling has gotten stuck in one of the Nautilus machines. Ha, ha."
Other Body Builders: "Grunt."
Let's hope this trend toward bulking up peters out soon. I don't have anyone who can help me shave my back. Fortunately, the only people with a more screwed up body image ideal than men are women. So if your girlfriend starts making snippy comments about getting you a gym membership, just respond with a sensitive smile and start referring to her by a sweet pet name like “Thunder Thighs.”
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