The Streets of Massachusetts
I have been amused for some time by the driving habits of certain regions. I am not referring to people who are demolition derby survivors, and therefore feel free to cut you off, sideswipe you, or brake to a halt for no particular reason, knowing there is no possible way you can damage their chariots further. Every state has a few of those, but in particular I am referring to Massachusetts (State motto: "Traffic laws are for the weak.") drivers. Yes, the folks who think stop signs are suggestions and speed limits are meaningless. Driving in Massachusetts is surely not for the faint of heart, or the uninsured.
I know, there are bad drivers everywhere, but they are all originally from Massachusetts. Where else do drivers tailgate police cars, fire trucks, or ambulances racing through traffic with siren blaring. Only a crafty Massachusettsite, Massachusette, Kennedy-Stater, whatever you call them, would think this was an acceptable way to get ahead in traffic. Only they are confident that there is no law to stop them.
Have you ever watched cars taking a left as the light turns yellow? In Massachusetts, especially Boston, yellow means, "Speed up, and get as close as you can to the bumper of the car in front of you, so when he runs the light you can tag along." Although there is no law, there is clearly tradition, which dictates no more than four cars may run a light this way. The fifth one must stop, mainly because that is the point at which oncoming traffic surges ahead. They must do this, because if you show weakness (evidenced by an unwillingness to aim one's hood ornament at anyone in your way and accelerate), you will be immediately engulfed in a never-ending stream of speeding vehicles. You will never move again.
Occasionally you will see in the streets of Boston abandoned vehicles with out-of-state plates, whose occupants have crawled out the windows to safety. Sometimes when there is no sidewalk to escape to, you will see a group of Iowans sitting sadly on their car's roof, waiting patiently for a rescue chopper, holding their stereo, gear shift lever, and whatever mementos they can salvage from their beloved vehicle.
I exaggerate slightly. Boston is much too advanced a city to allow abandoned vehicles to accumulate in the streets, hindering traffic flow. That is why there is a secretive group of highly-paid, professional Massachusetts drivers with Boston salvage certification. (Most of them are retirees from the army, where they drove heavy tanks.) They cruise the streets fearlessly in two-man teams, searching for trapped tourist vehicles. When they find one, the driver maneuvers in close and slows to 30 mph or so. The second team member, the "grappler" (jocularly nicknamed "road kill"), then leaps out into the stranded vehicle. He then pilots it back to Boston salvage headquarters, where the owners may ransom it for a large fee. Alternatively, tourists can hire a salvage worker to drive them safely out of the city. They are then on their own to make their way out of Massachusetts.
On the Massachusetts highways there are only two rules:
1) Drive speed limit only in the vicinity of police
2) Never let anyone pass.
Bear these rules in mind and remember: Whatever the situation, imagine the worst possible move the other driver could make. What he would do if he had the I.Q. of zucchini. Act accordingly, because that's exactly what he will do.
Back