Little Green Guys
Despite my choice of title, I am not going to write about seasick midgets. I am not even sure if one is allowed to use the word "midget" anymore, or if one must say, "differently height-enabled person," instead. I prefer to steer clear of such controversial topics, so I'm going to talk about UFO's.
UFO no longer denotes an unidentified flying object which may be anything from a helicopter to a large sea gull. Now the term is applied chiefly to suspected alien spacecraft. "Alien" here means something not of this planet--a French rocket doesn't count as a UFO--and no, the French do not fit this description, although I can see why you might think so.
As everyone knows, there are people who believe that extra-terrestrials have been visiting the earth for years. Not all of these people are totally insane, some are merely psychotic. Certain reputable people claim to have made UFO sightings in the classic sense, and are willing to admit that the object may have been a fat duck with a flashlight. These sightings tend to be more credible, but how could a duck work a flashlight? And where would it buy batteries?
Nevertheless, there are many photographs of UFO's that are quite amazing. These have all been proven to be fakes. Then there are the really blurry ones that may or may not be genuine. These are the ones that make you ask questions, like "How come nobody who spots a UFO has a decent camera?"
By sheer coincidence the vast majority of UFO sightings occur in the vicinity of military bases, usually Air Force bases. Do not even think about jumping to the irrational conclusion that these objects might be military aircraft. If that were the case, why would the military and the government conspire in denying that anything is going on? After all, the military is always very open with its secrets and is always keeping the public informed of everything it's doing. Clearly, they are covering up the fact that aliens are about. ( Not for long, if the Republicans get their way.)
When considering the UFO question, "Why would anybody waste his time thinking about the UFO question?" you must take into account the stories of people who have actually met space aliens. Why would these folks expose themselves to the glare of media attention, becoming cult-like figures in the UFO community, and receiving vast numbers of letters and phone calls if they weren't sincere?
Some poor souls have even been taken aboard alien spaceships. Most of their stories confirm what many of us have always suspected, namely that aliens are funny looking. They also seem to be differently height-enabled. Unfortunately, they are not especially friendly. Either that or they are woefully ignorant of human customs.
I say this because many abductees claim to have been subjected to certain unpleasant procedures. Apparently space aliens go zipping around the universe, stopping occasionally on other worlds to give the inhabitants rectal probes. If you have ever seen the way two dogs greet each other, this may not seem so odd, although I think the aliens have carried it a bit too far. If you see them, you can tell them I said so.
For myself, if I ever wake up on a flying saucer surrounded by little green guys, I'm going to grab the nearest one and shake the closest thing to a hand I can find on him. If they have any intelligence at all, this greeting should catch on rather quickly, given the alternative. Then I'm going to ask them how David Hasselhoff still has a career. I already know it�s an alien conspiracy, I just want to know what they are getting out of the deal!
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