Beating the Heat
Every time summer rolls around, people start talking about ways to "beat the heat." Every time Oprah rolls around, the earth's oceans slosh over. (Depending on your taste in talk show hosts who think the world revolves around them, you may wish to replace "Oprah" with “Rosie O’Donnell” or “Dr. Phil” in that last semi-joke.) Anyway, here are a few tips on how to stay cool.
We here in Maine generally do not have a problem with trying to keep cool in the summer, as heat is not usually part of the equation. Summer is merely a period without snow that affords myriad insects the opportunity to hatch, suck a little blood, breed, and die. Just like Congressmen! This, of course, would be perfectly fine if there were fewer of them. But during the summer the mosquito population density far exceeds the legal limit of nine thousand per square inch. Sadly, this limit is seldom enforced since it is impossible to count mosquitoes and still have enough blood in your veins to fill a fountain pen.
Anyway, I understand that people in other states find that it often gets very hot. One common solution is to travel to Maine. It would probably be easier (and less itchy) to buy an air conditioner, and recently it’s been pretty darn steamy here anyway, although the tourist bureau can rest assured that I would never say so.
A common mistake is going outside. Many people even deliberately seek bright sunlight to lie in for hours, a habit known as "baking the brain" or "flirting with skin cancer." Then these people have the nerve to complain that it's too hot. Of course it is! That's like complaining that you get all wet every time you go swimming. Stop whining and go sit in front of the air conditioner. Or come to Maine, where it’s always pleasantly cool (Disclaimer: The Chamber of Commerce paid me to say that).
In the days before technology gave us the convenience of ozone-depleting, Legionaire's Disease-breeding air conditioners, people were forced to use fans. Before that, people were forced to live in places with moderate climates where it never got very hot or very cold. Naturally there are always contrarians, and a few people insisted on living in the Arabian desert, wandering from oasis to oasis. They were called "nomads," a compound word created by the joining of "no" which means "without," and "mads" which means "brains." They probably complained a great deal about the heat, but nobody cared. Now these desert-dwellers have oil wells and drive around in air-conditioned Rolls Royces and are called "sheiks," which means "not worth it."
Similarly, some other folks headed to the Arctic, where summer is never an issue and no one ever needs a refrigerator. Of course, you must also learn to enjoy the taste of raw whale blubber, which helps reduce tourism greatly. Some scientists show up once in a while to measure something or other, but scientists also are known to go inside the craters of active volcanoes to measure something (presumably the “something” is not their sanity). Neither destination is likely to be called “Vacationland” anytime soon.
The Arctic serves as inspiration for one summer technique of keeping cool, based on the principle of mind over matter. Put on a parka and think, "I'm cold, I'm freezing cold." Soon you will collapse from heat exhaustion, whereupon you will be rushed to a wonderfully cool, air-conditioned hospital. See? It works!
Alternately, you can put on a fur coat, and as you walk around you will be repeatedly doused with red paint by animal rights activists, cooling you off. You may even get them so heated up that they begin dropping like flies from heat stroke. This is fun to watch especially since their ethics do not allow them to do so. They must drop like over-ripe, organically-grown tomatoes instead.
It should be clear, then, that there are as many ways to beat the heat as there are lunatics to dream them up. It is also clear that you would be wise to consult someone else for ideas on how to do it.
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