The Wrongdoing of Appearance
I have never been one to call for government action because no matter how bad thing are, at least I'm not necessarily paying for it. All government programs seem to make things worse and always cost the taxpayer money, the taxpayer being me. I have heard that there are other people in this country who also pay taxes, but judging from how much I have to cough up, I find this hard to believe. And I still pay much less than I would have to if I actually reported all of my income.
However, there is a serious crisis brewing in our streets of such monumental proportion that I am willing to shoulder an even greater tax burden to put an end to it. Besides, as I understand it, the new Democratic Congress is planning to address the concerns of the taxpayer (me) and soon I will not have to pay taxes at all. I will have to sign some sort of contract agreeing to hand over my grandchildren to the government, but that seems a small price to pay.
The government program I am proposing would see to it that every household in the U.S. was provided with at least one full-length mirror. Yes, tragically many households are currently without this necessity, leading to unprecedented levels of fashion violations. If you have ever seen gentlemen strutting about with their belts cinched up just tight enough to cause a lovely roll of fat to emerge from beneath their shirts, you have an idea of what I am talking about.
Of course, I am not so naive as to think that all the violators of proper fashion would be shocked at how they look in a full-length mirror. Indeed, many two-hundred-pound-plus ladies seem to think they look "hot" in their lime-green stirrup pants and halter tops. So we will also require the formation of a more official Fashion Police than the folks over at the E! channel.
Not only will the Fashion Police be empowered to write tickets for such violations, but they will also be encouraged to offer advice on how to remedy the situation. This means the police force will have to be recruited from schools for fashion design, which will ensure that no one will ever have to worry about Fashion Police brutality, if you know what I mean.
Thus if you are a field hockey player who tends to get lots of bruises about the ankles and knees but you still insist on wearing a short skirt, the fashion police will ticket you and say something like, "Oh, please, girl. Are you trying to attract a sadist who can't resist big purple contusions? Put some jeans on. And accessorize, will you?" Unless of course you are a man, in which case the officer may just ask you for your phone number and let you off with a warning.
Similarly, women who go in for plunging necklines in an effort to reveal that they have nothing to reveal will be told, "One word: padding," and will be immediately handed a wonder bra. Men who think wearing a sweaty t-shirt is incredibly sexy will be forced through the nearest carwash on foot.
Hopefully, the government will pass other desperately-needed fashion rules, such as one making the wearing of skin-tight bicycle shorts a felony unless you have no more than two micrograms of fat on you and are under twenty-six. There will, however, be a government subsidy to encourage women who meet these criteria to wear them. I also hope to see a provision for the summary execution of overweight middle-aged men wearing bikini bathing suits.
Unfortunately, the government could never handle this much authority properly, and it's scary to think of what the polyester lobby might be able to get accomplished. Still, the mirror idea has merit. All I need is someone willing to take over the responsibilities of the taxpayer for me and foot the bill. Any volunteers?
Back