Side Effects
If you have any prescription medicines in the house, go and get them. I'll wait here. OK? Now look in the box for the insert describing the possible side effects. If you can't find it, that's because most pharmacists yank them prior to sale so as not to scare you too much. The common side effects are often listed on the bottle anyway, and pretty much universally are (read along with me): Headache, dizziness, nausea, and vomiting. Apparently the pill-making process automatically conveys these properties, and nothing can be done. Either that or the medical establishment worries that if you felt too well you might not need them anymore.
Pill Factory Worker: "Should I add the side effects potion, now?"
Supervisor: "No, you idiot. Always wait until after the FDA inspection.
This is why when you go to the doctor complaining of headache, fatigue, and dizziness the first thing he will say is, "Are you taking any medication?" (Actually, he will say that no matter what your symptoms are, which really should tell you something.)
Now those of you without over-protective pharmacists, read down the insert to where it says RARE. These can be truly frightening things like palpitations, fever, unconsciousness, and death. I'm not sure exactly how useful it is to list those last two, because what action can you be prepared to take in the event of, say, death?
Not all of the rare side effects are so serious. In fact, they tend to be fairly weird, more along the lines of: unexplained left-handedness; sudden, severe toe cramps; ear redness; green facial fuzz, reminiscent of chia pets. I am familiar with these, because I have been medicated many times in the long history of my association with medical personnel.
I became so familiar to some medical persons, that if they saw me passing on the street they would reflexively toss me a prescription and say, "Try these for a while, and let me know what happens. I'm doing a paper on it." They said such things because I always experience the rare side effects. Often I only experienced side effects, and the reputed benefits of the drug did not occur. It got to be a source of amusement for medical practitioners, but I failed to see the humor in looking like a chia pet.
It is convenient that medications list these side effects, so even though you don't usually have a choice about taking them, at least you know what's going to happen to you. At least I do. But wouldn't it be nice if all products had a similar list ? Some sample advisories for possible side effects:
PC Ownership: Heavy use of acronym-laced jargon, severe monetary drain from purchase of "peripherals" and "upgrades," headache, dizziness, and nausea. RARE - obsession with technology, insanity.
Large-Caliber Rifles: Tobacco chewing/spitting, excessive beer intake, riding around with dead animals tied to fender, loss of decorative taste (fixation on decapitated animal heads). RARE - death.
The Garden Weasel: Bloody fingers/knuckles, lower back pain, muscle cramps, vomiting (only after "weaseling" large slugs). RARE - insanity, death.
Television: Persistent vegetative state, coma.
Dog Owners: Insomnia, SFDS (Sudden Feline Death Syndrome), repeated loss of temper, monetary drain from replacing carpeting. RARE - limping (especially pit bull owners).
Reading Humor Essays: Headaches, dizziness, nausea and vomiting. RARE - violent abdominal spasms (laughter), unconsciousness, death.
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