| Da Townend was found in an industrial workhouse in 1783, apparently parentless. The workhouse master found him nestled underneath a dirty old copy of Razzel, small, cold and afraid. He was immediately put to work in one of the cotton mills. Da Townend was never taught the fundamentals of either speech or moral value, and it began to emerge that he had had a somewhat strange rearing. The truth was that Da Townend had been created in a laboratory as a weird experiment into genetic engineering. He was the product of a genetic DNA trade between a golden Labrador, Keith Harris and a popadum. Born as an unnatural hybrid, Dr. Schitz panicked, and tried to destroy his hideous work. But Da Townend's natural instincts kicked in at the sight of the crazed doctor coming towards him. He leapt up, pissed on Dr. Shitz then jumped out of an open window onto the buildings roof, but unfortunately lost his balance in the blustery wind and plummeted off. He wished he could fly, but he couldn't. He fell in a heap and mango chutney oozed from his brain. By all rights he should now be dead, but he was a super-human/badger, puppet-master that tasted great and could not be killed. Da Townend was found by a wild group of mountain otters that taught him the fundamentals of gnawing and swimming. However the otter community became tired of Da Townends ventrilaquary act and abandoned him. The life in the mills was hard for the young Townend, but he began to learn English from his best friend, Jimmy Gosh, and by the age of 27 was able to communicate to an acceptable standard. Believing it time to leave the retched mill, Da Townend set off to find his fortune. He was arrested soon after for sniffing a woman's cack stained arse and stealing a parsnip and sent to Australia as punishment. In this New World Da Townend flourished, he set up his own business and met a foul, ugly and deeply disturbed woman named Gertrude. At first everything seemed fine, Gerty would jump up and down upon pillow cases all day whilst Da Townend would drink so much booze that his ears would become elongated and his nose would leak mint sauce. In the end Gertrude left Da Townend when she realised not only that he could lick his own bollocks but that his penis kept getting stuck whilst making love. As his love life failed he lost interest in his potted meat factory, and wandered aimlessly into the bush. Whilst on a trip to Aires Rock, Da Faulkiner stumbled upon this confused fellow and invited him to return to England to join his gang. |