| Da Smith was born and raised on a pig farm in southern Afghanistan. His father, the Earl of Northaven, decided to experience life swilling out pig shit instead of his state duties. Smith was born with a third foot, something that he still has to this day. As a young man Smith took an avid interest in peacocks, he marvelled at their gorgeous plumage and sophisticated colourings. He returned to Britain in 1992, but found it difficult to fit in with others of his own age. His hair grew down to his waist, and due his unhappy time at school he grew a pair of enormous breasts. The bullies didn't quite know what to do with Smith, should they beat him like a gimp or whisper sweet nothings in his ear? They took the first option, daily. Taunted by all around him, Smith attempted to take his own life by swallowing 300 pills. When his mother found him several hours later, she noticed he was hardly breathing and rushed him to the local hospital. When they pumped his stomach, it was discovered that the pills had been Haliborange, the vitamin C substitute. Smith was fine, but for the rest of his days he would have a slight orange tint. Smith took a new attitude towards life, and although the bullies had even more ammunition, he decided to fight back. He took up a new interest and joined a male choir. Now whenever a potential adversary came close, Smith would sing him a jolly ditty and his harsh mind would be soothed. The obvious problem was that Smith had to have his genitals surgically retracted to achieve his perfect pitch, something that the 15-year-old Smith was all too willing to do. One day Smith examined himself in the mirror, his long flowing locks, his 36DD tits, his lack of manhood and strange fake tan look. He decided the best option now was to pass himself off as a slag. |
