| Da Parkins Profile |
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| Da Parkin was christened Marabelle Jengar Socrates Parkin-Tompkins. She was the only heir to Lord Reginald Tompkins, the rich-as-shit Lord of Devonshire. From the very moment she came into the world she was prepared for greatness. She attended the most prestigious schools in England, so expensive it is illegal to utter the name unless you are a multi-millionaire. She was pampered every second, and up to the age of ten she'd had never actually used her legs because she had a personal 'walker'. She was especially ignorant and ill informed on most matters, and she was extremely stupid simply because she never had to think for herself. On Parkin's 18th Birthday her father bought her an international magazine named 'Shag' and made her the only clothes model for it. Da Parkin loved the jet set lifestyle of a model, Paris to Milan, New York to Bangkok. She even learnt to chuck up all her food like the rest of the skinny wenches. But she was to become a little too infatuated with beauty. One day whilst peering at her reflection she fell in love. She was overcome with lust for herself and wet her pants. From that moment onwards she insisted that everyone she met wore a replica mask of her own face. Da Parkin whiled away her evenings talking to a pre-recorded tape of her own voice. In the end there was only one solution, and Da Parkin paid 245 billion dollars to create an exact copy of her, but with a specially measured extendable penis. The Doctor in charge had only previously worked with Gibbon DNA, and so they used the embryo of a female gibbon called Charlie. The created offspring had identical genetic code to Da Parkin, and the accelerated growth programme meant Parkin had her ideal partner within 2 weeks. She was excited, but then disaster struck. Da Parkin 2's genitals exploded into Da Parkins face during an intimate moment, and a sudden growth spurt kicked in. Within a minute the replica was covered in course black hairs and its arse was expanding and changing colour. Afraid and disgusted Da Parkin ran into town, but inadvertently smashed her head on a lamppost. She awoke dazed and confused, her face broken and mangled, her memory gone, her common sense and moral values all she had left and there wasn't much of that either. She wondered around for a while, picking berries from trees and scavenging from dustbins. Da Faulkiner found her asleep on his doorstep and took her in. He paid for corrective surgery on her face, and although the job was adequate, Da Parkin would never be quite as she was before. |
| Although Da Parkins memory has mostly disappeared, there are certain matters with which she will forever have an intuitive knowledge for. One of these is cosmetics. Da Parkin has the following advice for all you ugly hags: "Fat is all in the mind. If someone thinks that you are fat, you probably are. There are two solutions to rectify this. Either stop eating as much and admit you and are hefer or use your mind to create an alternative world where you are perceived to be a normal person. If you suffer from a skin complaint or spots, here are some things I have discovered. Rubbing lard on your face may cause greasy skin, which could lead to spots or acne. I myself am beautiful, and here is my daily beauty schedule: Wake up. Wash my face with a mixture of rabbit droppings and whale blubber. Drink some juice, preferably freshly squeezed turtle milk (Note: Make sure the turtle is a young lactating female or else this could lead to an embarrassing situation. Trust me, I know!) Apply make up, this usually takes upward of three hours. Never smile or make any facial expressions, we don't want any wrinkles girls, do we! Before you retire to bed ensure you apply an over night balm of monkey nuts and human gysum. Good luck, maybe you too can be beautiful." |
| 1: In no more than 10 words describe your best day ever. free chocolate for all and free sex from da faulkiner. 2:using examples of real events, confess your most secret perversion. da faulkiner in a wet suit. 3: You are alone in a room with Ainsley Harriet and a kipper. How do you kill him? slice his face with a cheese grater and eat the kipper. 4: What is your favourite green vegetable?re-gurgatated sprouts 5: Who is the whore of Babylon?me baby. 6: Arse cake or nasal picnic?arse cake with extra cream 7: Which famous person would you love to neck and why?bob the builder because hes a man and hes strong. he could certainly fix ,me up! 8: What is your favourite colour?semen. 9a: What is the most offensive thing you can think of?da faulkiners willy cheese. 9b: Does it involve butter?no just cheddar 10: If you were a superhero what would your special super hero power be?xray vision to see the size of my potential mates underpant contents, avoids disapointment. 11: Finally, write a short passage about yourself.Passion expression is expected. got nowt to say. i am soooooooooo dull. |
| Da Parkins Personal Questionaire |