| Da Padams Profile |
| Padams was born Pedros Alacante Alberto Godam Cantish Jackson in the state of Alabama. The young black man was well known for his athletic stature and terrific sense of smell. Pedros would have been a remarkable man, were it not for an unfortunate incident in 1974, when he was assaulted by a Venizwalen bullfrog. The attack left deep scars in his left leg, but also permanent mental problems. The immediate effect was that Pedros was a thick as dogshite. Simple mathematics problems would confuse him so much that his face would become contorted and distorted. The gnawed expression left Pedros deeply hated in his local ghetto, and at the age of 11 he was promptly put on a plane to England, abandoned and lonely. Confused and severely mentally handicapped, Pedros made his way to the North of England to the town of Wakefield which be believed would be quite nice. Once he arrived he found a New World, one where stupidity and ugliness were not only welcomed but were common place. Changing his name immediately, Padams was welcomed by the townsfolk, and taken as the town mascot. He went on to win many gurning competitions. Whilst touring a local bakery, Padams was leaning over to look at a large mixing facility when he lost his balance and fell in. In the years since allegations that Fozhard, a local gurning rival and former lover, may have been involved have remained unconfirmed. It took firemen twenty-seven days to free Padams, who was kept alive on pancakes and Ben Shaw's fizzy pop. Once free it became apparent Padams skin was now as white as a sheet, and he was now unable to pull any faces. Once again an outcast, Padams was left bankrupt and homeless. He lived on a street corner where he regularly shat himself and ran around with no trousers on. Attempts to sell his body were unsuccessful due to an irregularly hairy scrotum. It later emerged that on a cold winters night, Padams had wandered into a donkey sanctuary and physically manhandled one of the creatures, believing it to be Fozhard. He was found in the morning with a strange residue inside and around his mouth. A week later, when Padams was at his lowest, Da Faulkiner found him, cleaned him up and invited him to become his friend. Padams was grateful and they became great buddies. |
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| Da Padams only real talent is his way with words. He spends his days creating merry dities, here's one of his favourites:.............. I tinckle with foolish flocks of sheep, You fondle them while the are asleep. I wink at the girl who lives in a shoe, You laugh wildly and force out a poo, I lead my friend on a trip to tibet, You buy into moleskin and run up your debt, I take off my trousers and go swim in a pool, You paraded around naked in a single-sex school, I slope in a corner and sleep soundly in bed, You rollock a badger and drop down, stone dead. |
| Da Padams was a real icon before he met with an accident |