| The Lord Faulkiner believes that a revolution is coming. This Revolution will begin in the hearts and minds of folk just like you, and it will encompass every man, child, woman, family pet and genetically enhanced individual on this planet that we foolishly call 'Earth'. We do not live on 'Earth', we are not 'Humans', no my friend, we live in hell and we are the spawn of the Devil. We are not even the spawn, we are a bit of a boil on his arse, a boil that has grown and is ready to pop shooting our yellow puss everywhere. We make it painful for the devil to sit on a chair, we hinder him at sports, we cause him considerable embarrassment when he goes to the doctors or is wooing a lovely lady in his parlour of lust an sin. Yes, listen people, we are bad. But do not cry or even feel scared because salvation is at hand. And it comes in the form of the Lord Faulkiner. He will rub soothing oils into the devils spotty bum, he will caress the boil and resist the urge to pop it. He will send the boil inside the devil and it will eat away at the evil from within. Oh Yes, the revolution will begin with the salvation of me, you and him/her over there. But the revolution will take many forms. The Lord Faulkiner can only heal the pain from within, his is the spiritual revolution. It is down to every person with a drop of faith to make this thing work, and boy does the Lord Faulkiner want it to work. He really blooming does! He has been at work, in his bedroom, in his kitchen, yes even in the bathroom some times. He has come up with 10 different things that he believes will lead to the ultimate salvation of mankind. They may seem small to you and maybe even me, but the Lord Faulkiner moves in very mysterious ways. These steps, so I am told, will bring about the change that has been necessary for so long. And he doth call it The Revolution Step 1: We must eradicate all breakfast cereal that are made primarily of corn. Why? Because corn is the breakfast of evil, its lovely as a corn on the cob, but first thing in the morning corn cereal can cause real evil. Corn Flakes are the devils favourite you know. This step involves all corn cereals including Frosties, and others. If you own such a variety, destroy it. Step 2: If we can stop the use of the letter 'V' the devil will have no name and so will be beaten. It is simply done. Certain words can be ignored such as 'varicose', 'private' and 'Galveston' others can be changed. For instance poverty could be renamed poberty, van could be renamed ban. Or something else. During this process the word Revolution will remain due to too a confusion and higher problems. Step 3: We should pain fences Blue. No clarification from the Lord Faulkiner on this one, but it could be because the Devil hates blue. Or the Lord Faulkiner likes it perhaps? Step 4: A total boycott on any product made by the company Nestle. The Lord Faulkiner is a big admirer of a bloke called Mark Thomas, and he says nestle are real bastards, so that's that. Step 5: Don't walk on cracks in the Pavement. This one is an oldie, but a goldie'! There is scientific evidence that if you step on a certain number of cracks that the gates to the Kingdom of Hell will appear in every major city in the world and cause loads of planning problems. So the key to this one is, better safe than sorry. Step 6: We must stop casting shadows. Apparently shadows are our personal evil manifesting itself in the natural world, and if we get rid of them it will be really good. The Lord Faulkiner offered some tips on this one; Only go anywhere where there is absolutely no light what so ever or make your body translucent. Step 7: A monthly sacrifice should be made to the Lord Faulkiner. His list of sacrificial items was as follows: live virgin girls, sandals, pop-tarts, wood (in the form of a bonfire), mass cauliflower slaughter or pigeons. The Lord Faulkiners personal favourite is a sacrifice of pigeons. Step 8: Absolutely, under no circumstances, and this is apparently the most important of the Revolutionary steps, never ever eat goats cheese. The Lord Faulkiner can not make this point strongly enough. There may be a possible link between goats cheese and death, but this is unconfirmed at the current time. The last two steps are apparently the key to the destruction of all evil, but The Lord Faulkiner is still currently working on them. They will be available shortly. |
| A Revolution is coming |