Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy (man, Jack Handy is the best!)
>>Anytime I see something screech across a room, and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
>>As the evening sky faded from a salmon color, to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
>>Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
>>How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
>>I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow, getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped, he'd yell, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy, but then, we had some growing up to do. (That's my fave!)
>>I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on, we found out he was a bear.
>>I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then at the very end, there's a page you can lick, and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
>>If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
>>If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
>>If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's OK to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
>>Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
>>One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
>>Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
>>The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
>>The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed, and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
>>Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
>>He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much, he made a woman out of dirt, and married her, but when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "dust to dust", some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in Heaven, with a gun."
>>I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake
>>I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver, and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up real quick and hand it to him
>>I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
>>I wish outerspace guys would conquer earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket beds with my name on it.
>>If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
>>Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different impression, so what? Can't we all be brothers?
>>It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them. Man, wise up!
>>Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
>>Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
>>To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
>>Today, I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house, and I thought, "I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself - a shell if you will - but my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."
>>When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out he hadn't been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.
>>When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert, to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
>>Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
>>To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
>>Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window
>>If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
>>One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
>>Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that
>>Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared
>>When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
>>If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away
>>I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
>>Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
>>If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
>>If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
>>For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
>>I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!
>>I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
>>When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."
>>If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
>>I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
>>Most of the time in the Middle Ages it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
>>When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, "YA-HOO! We're rich!" But it turned out to be something different.
>>Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.
>>I was faced with a choice: if I didn't eat, I would offend my cannibal hosts; but if I ate, and, later on, Gary asked me how his foot tasted, I might have to lie and say it was great, even if it wasn't.
>>As the circus clown came at me with the knife, I had to laugh, because it was a pretty funny outfit.
>>When I looked into the microscope, I couldn't believe my eyes. The deadly, dangerous germs I had been studying were dead, all dead. Now, how was I going to study them, and find a cure for them? Whoever or whatever had killed them was going to be in big trouble
>>A world ruled by dinosaurs? It doesn't make any sense. I could understand a world where dinosaurs have a say, but not rule
>>I knew it wouldn't be easy. Before the guard got back, I had to somehow convince the monkey to get the keys and open the cell door, then cut the ropes on my hands, then make me a nice breakfast.
>>I knew I had a choice. I could either take a step forward, off the cliff, and hope that as I was falling I could somehow take off my shirt or pants and fashion them into a makeshift parachute to at least slow my fall. Or I could go back into the party, and try to tell the joke again, but right this time
>>They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: "I am a fake mountain."
>>If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised
>>It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
>>It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight
>>To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
>>If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy
>>Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
>>You know what's probably a good thing to have on your porch in the summertime to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.
>>People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blonde hair
>>If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward
>>I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.
And some from random friends
"Your hair is so wavy, I just wanna run my sock through it" -Lindsay
"It's not quite a beaver, and it's not quite a kangaroo... OMG! A BEAVEROO" -Me
"Karim Abdul Jabbar?" -Nikki, on my saying the name Coreen
"Anyone want some timbits?" -Eric, on stealing a giant box of Timbits from Guelph University... that'll show them.
"You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby..." -Nicole
"And Caitlin's pencil case can be a lap pet that get's branded with the image of a buffalo everyday until there's no more room, and then it'll be sacrificed to the heathen gods!" -Jessica, on our race of backpacks and pencil cases
"Man, makes me think how much we got wrong about the Egyptians." -Caitlin, on Jessica's and my idea of our backpacks being discovered in 25 000 years and being mistaken as an animal
Me (when I was 7)- "Mommy, why does Mr. Clean have an earring?"
My Mom- "Because he's a fag"
"Cheap seats! More like the intellectual seats!" -my Uncle Andre
"I've found the fountain of youth? I AM the fountain of youth!!!!" -my Uncle Andre again
"And your code name will be Sally... Sally Parker, and then you can tell EVERYBODY what's really at the bottom of the hole on Russian Roulette!!!" -Stacey
Stacey- "He's my new boyfriend."
Me- "CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!!??" (you had to be there, lol)
Christie- "Psst, Jordan likes penis!"
Jordan- "NO I DON'T!!"
"How do you spell farm?" -Christie
Me- "Does that say dink?"
Sarah B.- "OINK!!!!"
Miss Milner- "I have an accent, does that mean you can make fun of me?"
Jordan- "CAN WE????"
"So good-bye, and good-riddance" -Brolin, his finishing sentence as gr. 8 valedictorian
"ZZZZIIIIPPP!!!!" -Taylor (you had to be there)
Krista- "You know the guy, he looks like a jew." *stumbles and trips on chair*
Me- "That was God's punishment for making fun of the Jews."
"Stop farting in class, you stink! Love Mike... and by Love I mean Hate" -Mike's message to Brad in Brad's yearbook
"My kid's first name is gonna be Brock. And then I'll make his middle name be Brock too... so his whole name will be Brock Brock Brock!!!!" -Janna
"Think wholesome thoughts or you will go to Hell." -Adam's message to Janna in her yearbook
"Ugh! He took marks off for using inappropriate humour in my paragraph! All I said was that the settlers would use the bodies of the people who died to make a house since there was nothing else to make a house from!" -Thomas, on receiving his story he wrote for Canadian history
"You're undressing him with your eyes, aren't you?" -Nicole, to me on the 40 year old, in a pink shirt and shorts who was our prof at Guelph for a day
"Damn plant! It's after me! Plotting something, I swear" -Crystal, on the murderous plant that kept moving
"Check this out... HIS NAME IS ZOZ!!!!!!! Oh wait, aww, his real name is Andrew.... DAMN!!!!!!" -Me, on Zoz Brooks
"Yep, there's always a guy named Lou in them" -Me, on police dramas
"Goal: Get through English with my sanity" -Jessica, her goal on her AEP
Krista- "Ok, I will be Handsome Rob"
Me- "No!! I Wanna be Handsome Rob!!!!"
Krista- "Fine, I'll be Left Ear."
"Haha, with those eyes, she looks like a retarded dog!" -Krista, on Aaliyah in Queen of the Damned
"So here's the plan... we roll Leah in Potassium and THROW HER INTO THE LAKE!!!" -Lexi, upon learning potassium metal combusts in water
Mr. Munday- "Heather are you nodding or bouncing?"
Heather- "Both"
Me- "Ooh, she's multi-tasking"
"And this building will be the brothel... and here is the convent.... ooh, the nuns have to go through the brothel to get to the cathedral!!!" -Jessica, upon our decision to stop playing the game Cathedral properly and to just build a really cool city
Jocelyn- "Kate....???"
Me- "NO TIME FOR YOU OLD MAN!"
"No Adam, don't listen to Janna.... it's just not worth it" -Me, in good old Chemistry class
Me- "Ok, so our community will be Crackton... and I am councillor."
Scott- "Hey, how come you get to be councillor?"
Me- "Because I'M the aerospace engineer, clearly that means I'm superior and get to be the fascist dictator I've always wanted to be!"
Mr. Wylie- "And if you don't hand it in by wednesday, well then it's TS for you."
Bryce & Eric- "What's TS?"
Mr. Wylie- "Tethered swimming."
"There's no such place as Transylvania! It's Pennsylvania!" -Nikki
"It's OLDERLY, not ELDERLY!" -Nikki, again
"Not to be outdone by the lowly Seabiscuit, War Admiral leaps into the air with a spinning quadruple backflip" -Jessica, in the pool with those floaty boards
"And we have to name one 'Fantastic Jet Action', and another 'Professor Actual Factual' " -Nicole, on naming the animals in Zoo Tycoon
Dawn- "Her name is Amanda Beard."
Zoe- "You know, the girl with the beard!"
Dawn- "She doesn't have a beard!!!"
Zoe- "Haha yeah Roger, the guy from Survivor who ran around naked on his birthday"
Janna- "WHAT???"
Me- "We're talking about Josh."
"No Please!! It hurts so much!!! I want to have children!!!!" -Taylor
Me- "2... 4... 6... 8... 12"
Instructor- "Try Again..."
Me- "2... 4... 6... 8... 12"
Instructor- "Let's do this together...."
"Wow Jessica, I never realized what a lovely butt you have." -Me
"Peaches are lovely." -Little Scottish Boy
Teacher- "Are you playing truck driver?"
Another little Scottish Boy (holding a hula hoop in front of him)- "No, I'm doin' a jobbie!!!"
"So it seems that every Scottish child has either an "auntie" or a "nan" in Canada" -Mrs. Bolger
Me- "Mom, do you want a slice of apple pie?"
Mom- "No thanks. It has this sort of weird taste, do you know what I mean?"
Me- "You mean apples?"
"The turkeys were at my window again" -Adam
"What's a sugar-plum?" -Me
Jocelyn- "Well, a sugar-plum is apparently "a candied bon-bon""
Me- "What the hell good is that definition ?!?!?!"
"What is that vile smell? Oh, it's just you" -Me, to Jocelyn about her salt & vinegar crispers
"Hah! He's the one that looks like a mole!" -Krista
Krista- "OMG! IT'S WINCHESTER!" *hands phone to Marlow, who then hangs up*
Marlow- "OMG!!! I just hung up on Winchester! QUICK! Close the curtains and turn off the lights!!!"
"Haha, I can't believe I freaked out like that! As if he would just run over here at super speeds" -Marlow
"HAHA! Look at us! We're listening to the guys through a wall with glasses!" -Krista
Me, after waiting a while for the elevator in the hotel- "We did push the button, correct?"
Kayli- "Umm" *pushes button*
Mrs. Bolger- "Hah! Wow Kate, that's two funnies today!"
Mrs. Bolger- "Aww, that Lincoln is so nice. I feel bad now that he was shot."
Me- "Yeah someone should warn him about that Ford Theatre."
"You know what's sad? When the train station has better clothing selection than a mall." -Jocelyn
Actor in Shear Madness- "Yeah well I got kicked out of Park Street Collegiate"
Me- "WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
Actor- "Ahh, I see you got kicked out too!"
Me- "Oh and he was pretty hot too!"
Crystal- "Ahh, the essential information of a trip."
"Guess what. I bought another shot glass." -Me
"Hah, Winchester looks like a giant apple with that sunburn." -Dawn
Me- "I feel an obsession coming on"
Crystal- "Uh oh"
Me- "And I'd ask you to save me but... *creepy voice* maybe I don't want to be saved..."
Crystal- *shudders*
"Look at Winchester, he's loving every minute. My God, he's been waiting a long time for this" -Richard, about Winchester at the UN
Me- "Look at that bastard, squatting in MY place! Get outta there, that's Portugal's chair! *gasp* and he's touching my note pads! Oh that's it, he's just asking me to bring it. Where's he from anyway?"
Caitlin- "Spain."
Me- "Hmmm... I guess I better not provoke him since he surrounds me on my entire eastern border..."
"Did I tell you I was teaching goldfish to fly? Sadly, they met rather melancholic ends... I sure thought Old Orangey would make it." -Crystal
Me- *holds up two juice containers as horns, and headbutts Nora*
Nora- "Hahaha, take a picture Caitlin, we'll subtitle it "The delegates have fun at the U.N."
"You know, I was really looking forward to that kilt, and when it didn't fit this morning, it ruined my day" -Richard
"Capitalism Rocks! ... Proposal 2" -United Kingdom delegate
"Viva la Liberation!!!" -Cuban delegate
"Hah, I bet people are saying "Gee, I never knew Portugal and Greece were that close." -Nora, upon our sitting together all the time
"Haha, omg... I just realized I am not wearing any pants. I was like "My it's breezy in here... Oh! Well fancy that!" Haha, and there's no shame in not wearing pants." -Me
"I'm going to call you Breezy from now on" -Tina
"It's so tacky it's fantastic!" -Crystal
Me- "Ok... when you're building a fence, you hammer this into the ground"
Nikki- "A pole?"
Me- "You're on the right track... ok... it's a four letter word, and it's sort of like pole... it's starts with po..."
Nikki- "Police?"
Me- "Yes, you hammer police into the ground when you're putting up a fence."
Me- "It means if you're fat, you CAN'T RIDE TOP GUN!"
Becky- "Not even if you wear a pancho."
"Go back people... it's just not worth it" -Me & Krista on the Vortex
"Hey Yvonne, guess who I saw walking into the liquor store..." -Me
"Haha, he looks like Joe Millionaire" -Jocelyn, on Jeff Walt
"Slap hands!!!" -Jeff & Sean
"Ok, for the third apparition, would it count if they said "a block of wood"?" -Tim, on the third apparition that appears to Macbeth (Hahaha, omg, that's my favourite quote EVER!!!)
"Oh I love the Body Shop... heh heh... I frolic there..." -Janna
"Oh my gosh... his hair makes an arrow on top of his head. Look! He wants us to look up!" -Janna, on Mr. Munday
"Oh God, I'm gonna cry... I'm so beautiful" -Sebby
"Ahh! The phlegm in my lungs! You've jostled it free!" -Me
Me- "Ok we need to know stuff like the difference between Aristotle and Cicero..."
Stacey- "Ok, when it comes to syphillis... I mean CICERO!!!"
"Layyyyman's terms" -Nora
"I'm with the bus" -Matt
"I was born to be a geographer" -Mr. Maltby
Krista- "So how far are you Adam?"
Adam- "Well I did question 1 but then I realized that Socrates was really old! So I went and added up how old all these guys were..."
"JESSSSSSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!" -Me
Jordan- "Are we gonna do this Jean-Jacques Rousseau guy?"
Mr. Maltby- "No."
Jordan- "Yes! I don't like him, he's french."
"That man has no head! Oh wait... he's just black" -Christie
Krista- "Hi Mr. Tutty."
Mr. Tutty- "...Hello..."
Krista- "Awkward..."
*Move along, move along* -Krista
Lexi- "Come on Kate, try a velement. They're so good. You know you want one."
Me- "Umm, they're alright I guess."
Lexi- "Wait till you chew it... you'll realize you want another and another and that you'd step over your own mother just to get one!!!"
Me- "Hey guys wanna hear a joke? Ok, why did the monkey drop dead from the tree?"
Liz- "Uhh, nooo, Kate..."
Me- "...what? OH DAMMIT!!!!!!!"
Yvonne- "Yeah, you should ask Miss Hall, she loves being asked questions about latin."
Janna- "WHO!??!?!"
Me- "Who the hell do you think? Miss Hall, you know, the latin teacher!!"
Janna- "OH! I thought you said Les Paul!"
"I can't see through my hairpiece" -Me
Mr. Munday- "What did we use before plastic and glass bottles?"
Me- "Clay pots."
"My bus is full of pirates. All I seem to hear is "Argh!" ... its funny when they reach a stop and the whole crowd of pirates moves off or on in unison" -Robyn
"Haha, my dad just came home, and brought back a bunch of Rubbermaid containers he found on the road." -Nikki
"Well, here's the theory. Hamlet's love of Ophelia is a cover for his actual love of Horatio, who he cheated on years ago with Rosencrantz." -Me
"Nikki, your bus is here!" -Sister Matt about the short bus
Sarah- "What kind of pictures do I need?"
Mr. Tutty- "Suitable ones."
Me- "Ahh, Tutty, master of vague or obvious answers."
"Blah blah blah, you lose." -Mr. Maltby
"Put a party in my bran." -Me
"So basically, you have to sit there and think "Can I drive? Do I have a license? NO, I DO not!"" -Mr. Maltby (King of Hilarity)
"He was obviously wanting to chat about it more... but I don't know who Glass Tiger is." -Krista, on talking to Mr. Maltby about his job at the Opera House
"Oh is that it? No wait, that's just a cheesie" -Me
"Just a sec, let me get out my magnifying glass" -Tina, on looking at pics that guys send her of themselves naked.
"And then you can seduce Andrew into playing for us Sarah!" -Jess
"Danger Zone" -Yvonne
"Owwww! My boob!" -Me
"He was just a cat, just an alley cat, then he went to Law School and now he's a cat lawyer!" -Nora, sung to the tune of the theme for the "Cat Lawyer"... lol
"I wish the cat lawyer was here to make sense of this!" -Nora
"The issssssuuueee" -Sarah Britton
"I have the solution!" "....wow...." -Me, demonstrating for a presentation
"Ahh! It's creepy Cribbage supply teacher man!" -Jess
*sigh* "Thwarted by the dollar store giants... it's a tale as old as time." -Me
Krista- *furious* "...she just asked me if my picture of John Lennon was Elton John."
Me- "Hahaha! No one recognizes your dead hero!"
"I'm lying. I lie through my teeth. Actually I lie through my mouth, but it's as if my teeth are the gates. The Gates of Lie-ness." -Jess
"...why are you looking at me and smiling...?" -Mr. Munday
Mr. Maltby- "Does anyone know why they don't do the White Ribbon campaign to end violence against women in Halifax?"
Adam- "Is it because they're pro-violence?"
"But Vriend didn't give up!" -Sean
"Hello, I'm Justine Blainey, and I'm a fourteen year old girl." -Degagne
Stacey- "How do you want your tea?"
Me- "Preferably in a cup."
"Mmm, peppermint tea. A paradox. Both minty cool... and hot." -Me
"You gotta pet him hard, so he can feel it!" -Marco, on petting Brolin
"She's the new prisoner, and she's gotta bring the big dog down in order to be accepted" -Brolin
"Well dear, I'd tape Everwood for you but... I kinda don't want to..." -Nikki
"Well maybe if you were not so gluttonous!" -Janna
Mr. Graham- "So why are tall people expected to not live as long?"
Marco- "Because they're closer to the suns harmful rays?"
"Oh yes, it only gets easier..." -Mr. Graham
Me- "I have to be your protege."
Mrs. Bolger- "HAHAHA! Don't tell anyone that, they'll be embarassed for you"
"Look, its all my former students, all in a line!" -Mrs. Bolger
"Just do it... Jesse do me" -Jessica
"So, the cakes were on sale from 7.99 to 2.99... so I bought six" -Mom
"... omg... I think HE'S GAY!" -Me
"Like so much aquatic life? Like priests and stuff? Aquatic priests???" -Sarah Britton
"Flower me" -Sarah Boyle
"Linds, LINDS! Look who it is!" -Me *with Nikki laughing hysterically in the background*
"Don't worry Kate, you still have about... 20 minutes left to live..." -Mr. Graham
"2 out of 3 dentists recommend Crest!" -Mrs. Nelsons
"Aww... he just saw me cramming... and he saw you helping me because you know it all." -Krista
"So, you enjoyed looking up my nose today, did you Chloe?" -Me
"Kate we have to find us some real honey-doers!" -Chloe
"Knowing him the exam question will be "Hamlet is a man. Tom Joad is a man. Discuss."" -Chloe
Levene- "Nora wake up!"
Chloe- "It's ok, she's a Jew"
Me- "I'm lonely guys, talk to me!"
Brolin- "You should slit your wrists and leave a suicide note for the people coming back saying you were too lonely"
*Note reads: "You were gone too long. I was all alone. Goodbye forever"*
Brolin- "HAHA YES! Now I have a chance of being the best one in the class!"
Me- "PALM TREES? OASIS?? PALM TREES? FIREBALL?"
Caitlin- "It's a sparkler"
Matt- "Did you see that poster? Why did that man have a toaster by the bath tub?"
Me- "Because he is anti smoking"
Matt- "But why waste a good piece of bread if you're just gonna kill yourself?"
Me- "Maybe he was afraid it'd be a long wait?"
"If you think I'm hot now, wait 'till I take my boots off!!!" -Jessica (haha omg Jess that one will never get old)
Tour Guide- "However, when Charles, the alpha male was separated from the troop, he was FURIOUS, and he started working up a sweat, and unfortunately when gorillas sweat, they smell very bad..."
Sean- "Sounds like someone I know *points to Caitlin*"
"Oh my God! Are those... are those chicks???" -Scott (backing away in disgust)
Marco- "A summer of rock and roll?"
Ms. Mauch- "You didn't plan a summer of rock and roll?"
Marco- "Well, that's how I ended up with two children"
Ms. Mauch- "Men can reproduce even up until they are on their deathbeds"
Brolin- "And I will!"
"I don't know, she had an accent and you got into the car with her" -Me
Matt- "They should have the dolphins in a display surrounding the giraffes"
Me- "Ummmm why???"
Matt- "Because they're my two favourite animals, duh!!"
"When I was getting licked by the cheetah, I was actually wishing that he (the zookeeper) would lick it instead" -Prithy
Prithy- "Someone get a picture of this, my mom will never believe a cheetah licked me!"
Mrs. Bolger- "Yeah Prithy, you can put it on your family christmas cards!"
Now for some Terry Pratchett
>>Rincewind had always been
happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon -- he'd run them all.
>>It was a puzzle why things were always dragged kicking and screaming. No one ever seemed to want to, for example, lead them gently by the hand.
>>My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them. My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat
>>Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...
>>For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
>>"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"
>>The vermine is a small black and white relative of the lemming, found in the cold Hublandish regions. Its skin is rare and highly valued, especially by the vermine itself; the selfish little bastard will do anything rather than let go of it
>>"I meant," said Iplsore bitterly, "what is there in this world that makes living worthwhile?" Death thought about it. "CATS," he said eventually, "CATS ARE NICE."
>>All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.
>>"The significant owl hoots in the night."
>>"What is this thing, anyway?" said the Dean, inspecting the implement in his hands. "It's called a shovel," said the Senior Wrangler. "I've seen the gardeners use them. You stick the sharp end in the ground. Then it gets a bit technical."
>>"Dock-a-loodle-fod!" �dyslexic rooster
>>The Ramkins were more highly bred than a hilltop bakery, whereas Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving
>>Real children don't go hoppity-skip unless they are on drugs
>>+++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot +++
>>Millennium hand and shrimp. (Haha!! Who doesn't love the Foul Ole' Ron?)
>>Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness
>>- "It could be a torture chamber or a dungeon or a hideous pit or anything!"
- "It's just a student's bedroom, sergeant."
- "You see?"
>>Today Is A Good Day For Someone Else To Die!
>>Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life
>>If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter
>>And what do you want for Hogswatch, Small Human?
>>Just "Ho Ho Ho" will do. Don't say, "Cower brief mortals"
>>I'm laughing like hell deep down, sir
>>"You're calling things into being", said Susan.
"Things like Give the Dean a Huge Bag of Money Goblin?"
>>
And now for some ROBBIE THE REINDEER QUOTES!!!!!
Robbie- "I was rubbish as a reindeer. I was rubbish as an elf. I'm the rubbish of the rubbish. If I was thrown a heap of rubbish, the rubbish would say...."
Bag of Garbage- "There goes the neighbourhood!"
"Well, you know what I always say... you are what you eat!!! Mmm, Nuts!!!" -Old Jingle
"Well, my name is Magnus, and this is Magnus, and here is Magnus, and she is Magnus too, and him and him are Magnus, and he's Magnus, and this is little Magnus." -Magnus
Snowman- "Robbie of course being the son of famed reindeer, Ru......."*is cut off and mouth is covered with a hoof*
Blitzen- "DON'T say that name."
Old Jingle- "Ahh so Blitzen is involved with this eh?"
Robbie- "You know Blitzen?"
Old Jingle- "WHAT? WHO'S BLITZEN?"
"I recognize that forklift." -Donner
Father Ted Quotes (YAY!)
>>I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there -Dougal
>>It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women. -Dougal
>>You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's shite -Dougal
>>Go away! I don't want to catch menopause! -Eoin McLove
>>Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
>>Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
>>Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is
>>Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins! -Mrs. Doyle
>>Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
>>Dougal- Good news Ted! I think he's just pulled up! And the good news is,
that he can only afford a crappy blue Ford Cortina. Ha! Just imagine driving
around in that thing.
Ted- That's MY car.
>>Ted- "Dougal Dougal do you remember Sister Sumpta?
Dougal- "Ahh, no."
Ted- "She was here last year and then we stayed with her in the convent at Kildare. And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for a paper. You must remember all that? And then you won 100 pounds with your lottery card?"
Mrs. Doyle- "And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting... I remember we had to go down to the police station to get ya... and the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?"
Ted- "You can't remember any of that!?!?! The helicopter! You fell out of the helicopter! D'ya remember the tigers Dougal! Ahhh.... you were wearing your blue jumper..."
Dougal- "AHH YES!!! SISTER SUMPTA!!!!!!!"
>>Dougal- "Squeeze it there, it's a joke telephone."
Ted- "Dougal, this is a dog toy."
Dougal- "No it's not Ted, it's a joke telephone!"
Ted- "Dougal this is a toy for dogs! It's something people give to their dogs on their birthday!"
Dougal- "No seriously Ted, it's a joke telephone. You give it to someone and tell them its a phone and they try and make a phone call on it."
Ted- "Dougal! Who would think this is a telephone? Even a dog knows it isn't a phone! Look, did the picture on the package not give you a clue? Why does the dog look so happy? He's happy 'cuz someone gave him a yellow rubber toy that makes a noise!"
Dougal- "No Ted! He's laughing because someone tried to make a phonecall on the joke telephone!!!"
Hahaha Oh damn, gotta love the Father Ted....