Just Business
Topical Hotwire Opinion With Clancy McClean

Greetin's, Cretins!

For the first time in months, Clancy McClean has returned in glossy print form to give the common man something to understand enough to be able to believe in again.  For too long, now, the pages of this once epic publication have been disgraced by bland advertisements and dull house show recaps.  As GZW's Philanthropist, I see it as my duty to ensure that such carry-on comes to an abrupt halt.  And what better way to do it than to blow these nameless reporters out of the water with the grade 'A', top quality product that I, like the milkman, always deliver!

A lot has happened in the company since this wonderful column's tragic hiatus, but business is business, and urgent matters were at hands.  To lower that to your terms, I had somethin' done needed doin'.  But that is all behind me, somewhere between you foaming zombies and a corrupt supreme court judge.  It is time to look ahead, to the "future".  No, not like Back To The Future parts one through three.  Not like 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Not even like Total Recall.  Idiots, I am talking about three words.  These three words are on the tips of everyone that's anyone's tongues, and it just so happens that the man with the billion dollar tongue will be the one to come out and utter them - Fallout: Collision Course.  Correct, the next instalment in GZW's Pay-Per-View saga.  Join me, oh mullet-bearing ones as I dive right in and get down to business regarding F:CC...

...JUST BUSINESS, that is.

Taking place in my home state of California, this will not be your average schnook-fest Metal or Travesty.  Tickets sold out way in advance.  Both shirts and pants will be required.  In attendance will truly be the cream of the crop - myself, Tate Edmonson, Logan Corzair...  In short, good people.  What does that mean for you?  $29.95 for the Pay-Per-View on DirecTV or the GZW website, I'm afraid.  Actually I'm not afraid.

Onto the show, then.

The Kid is set to make his debut in spectacular fashion against second string veteran Disco Dawg.  And I don't just mean his debut to Pay-Per-View or even the GZW.  I mean altogether.   His first ever match...  Wait a minute, which Kid?  Oh, forget it.  I'll let you try and figure out who my pick'll be...
Clancy's Pick: You people are morons

Moving swiftly on to match number two of the night.  The future of this business, PERSONIFIED, in my man Reject makes his first ever appearance on a GZW Pay-Per-View event against The Cursed Angel.  It could be the Cursed Angel, but it could just as easily be you, me, Tonya Glory or James Corbin.  The end result will undeniably be the same - total and utter annihilation at the hands of the ONLY six-time Hardcore Champion in HKWF history.  Give Reject a few months and he will be the man.  He's got the tools to be the toughest World Heavyweight Champion the GZW will ever see.  He's just waiting to hatch.
Clancy's Pick: Reject 

Elsewhere on the card, Justin Sharp and "The Blandest Of All Time" Kid X tie up for the second time in a month.  Why?  Justin Sharp, whilst he hasn't returned to the level he was once at, is the Show Stealer.  He's an enigma.  He's a shoe-in for a future main eventer.  He's done so much and possesses wisdom beyond his years for someone of such a young age.  Why, then, is he being stuck in a go-nowhere 'feud' with a delusional child.  Kid X hasn't done a thing to warrant any sort of attention or praise whatsoever.  Greatest of all time my well-oiled ass.  This one's elementary.
Clancy's Pick: Justin Sharp

The Neophyte Of The Year Tournament was a revolutionary concept.  It's execution was something even more than that.  Over the past few months, all of this company's youngsters have been put through the motions to find out who really will be the next star, the next big thing.  What started off with sixteen competitors from all over the world has boiled down to a showdown between "Buzzing" Electric Sharpe and "GZW's Rizin' Star" Kid Kaos...  In a ladder match.  This one has the makings of a match of the night contender, and will serve as a sign of things to come further down the line.  In layman's terms?  Don't be surprised to see this same match headlining a Pay-Per-View near you sooner than you'd think.  It could easily go either way, but to hazard a guess, I'd look no further than the Extreme Heretic, a man second only to Reject in the field of hardcore.  Did I mention Reject already?
Clancy's Pick: "Buzzing" Electric Sharpe

Up next, we'll have our token old-folks-half-price-happy-hour as we're set to see the alleged Final Encounter between former GZW World Heavyweight Champions Nathan "T-Rex" Williams and Sean "Magic" Fiery.  Their story is an overly documented one as it is, so I'll refrain from delving into any of it.  What you, the slack-jawed idiot drooling onto the magazine, need to know, is that this'll be a two-out-of-three-falls affair.  You'll have your standard Last Man Standing and I Quit matches, and then your bound-to-happen tiebreaker.  You'd think I'd be more excited about this...  Oh wait, that was 2002.  Unfortunately, we're sure to be subject to the handshake of 'respect' followed by some bland mic work, some use of props and then maybe a hug.  Or a retirement ceremony.  If we're lucky.
Clancy's Pick: N/A

It wouldn't be L.A. without an L.A. Street Fight, right?  It wouldn't be an L.A. Street Fight without Zac Sharp and Paul Spartan, either, right?  I'm sure it still would be, but nevertheless, this one should be a classis.  Again two former World Heavyweight Champions.  A main event calibre match.  A comparatively silent Zachary Sharp.  Something doesn't add up, in my book.  In any of my bestselling books, actually.  Nonetheless, it should be one for the ages following on from their many classic battles.  Spartan of the DisOrder is trying to bring people like Sharp around to his way of thinking, and the lucky bastard doesn't even realise it.  It's all in Spartan's hands, at this stage.  He's in complete control.
Clancy's Pick: Paul Spartan

From the I-Can't-Believe-They-Got-That-Many-People-On-A-PPV file comes the triangle tag team match between Team GZW representatives Edwin MacPhisto and a double-duty-pulling Kid Kaos, DisOrder members Brian Sabre and Kaine and Heretics James "Monarch" Corbin and "The Punisher" Phillip Tytan.  A mouthful, certainly.  I don't think I can say anything that James Corbin didn't illustrate wonderfully in his most recent promo, after which, by the way, I was left with the distinct feeling that the Wrestling Franchise had read and taken to heart my Just Business spotlight on the art of the promo back when weekly meant weekly.  My pick?  Anyone...  This sort of match has no decisive winners or losers.  Some of the participants may want to really knuckle down and do it fast before the even actually rolls around, though.  I'll give it to the most solid team.
Clancy's Pick: The Heretics (James "Monarch" Corbin & "The Punisher" Phillip Tytan)

The last match doesn't even come close to the outlandishness of Tonya Glory's W.C.E.K. TV Title 'defense' featuring everyone from Paul Spartan to Elexia Croix to Jimmy Williams to...  Ciato?  Did I miss something here?  This guy's supposed to instil fear on the entire roster, yet he admits to not knowing a thing about any of his opponents?  I can just picture "The First" on his knees in front of this imposing figure, this man in black.  'Gimme a break' doesn't even come close...  But the problem with this match is the damage it does to both the World Heavyweight and W.C.E.K. TV Titles.  The gap between the two should be clear and decisive.  The fact that both belts are on a woman really doesn't do anything but further blur that gap.  Pulling such double duty is NOT the way a champion should present his or herself.  Instead of being looked at as a special attraction, Glory is now just seen as "the broad with the two belts"...  Which belt is which?  The longer Glory keeps the two, the less and less that'll matter.
Clancy's Pick: Anyone but Tonya Glory

Did someone say runners-up?  Did someone say odd-couple?  No, but I'm going to take it as if they did.  Boy, did John Taylor get a bum deal or what?  He's been number one contender from the moment Pimp was crowned Champion, but he's yet to even catch a glimpse of a title shot.  Now with the stopgap of James Tanner standing before him, there's no way of telling it the Lone Gunman will ever get his shot.  Too bad.  James Tanner, on the other hand...  The bland little shit who somehow secured an administrative position within the Universal Wrestling Alliance has gone from just-about contending for the then-vacant TV Title to gaining a guaranteed World Heavyweight Title shot by winning the fifth Contest Of Champions battle royal.  A fluke?  Of course, but it's well for him.  In my opinion, he's just as happy biding his time and taking on Taylor while the whole Pimp/Glory fiasco blows over.  It's wise of him, but a disgruntled Taylor be too much on this given Knight.
Clancy's Pick: "Lone Gunman" John Taylor

The Main Event.  The World Heavyweight Championship.  Tonya Glory.  Pimp Bizkit.  The Unbreakable Female defends against the Living Legend in what will be the third singles meeting between the two since the restart.  So far, they're tied at one a piece, with Glory's win clearly being the sweeter of the two.  Pimp has his opportunity to gain back the title he unfortunately lost whilst defending it for the first time...  Sadly, his reign didn't do the young man from Wigan, England, justice.  However, he can redeem himself at Fallout: Collision Course.  Going by my earlier prediction, by this point Tonya Glory would no longer be W.C.E.K. Television Champion.  She'll be down in the dumps.  That knowledge, if utilised correctly by the Human Miracle, could make all the difference.  It could just as easily be argued, though, that Glory has gained the psychological edge on the famed former Intercontinental Champ who seemed to fall silent right after Glory's most recent promo.  Perhaps he just wants her to think that.  I don't know.  Tonya doesn't know.  I don't think Pimp knows.  You certainly don't know.  Anyway, I'll go with my gut and say that Pimp Bizkit will prevail and become only the fourth man to hold the EWO or GZW top title on two separate occasions.  
Clancy's Pick: "Living Legend" Pimp Bizkit

There you have it, children.  Your one-stop guide to everything about which you could possibly bullshit your way through a conversation concerning the GZW's imminent Pay-Per-View super card.  It's bound to be a magnificent show.  Sit back and enjoy it.  Don't think about it too hard.

Until next time, I bid you adieu.  I've been the immaculate Clancy McClean.  You've been below the poverty line.

(c) 2004 - Iconic Writings