Greetings, nobodies!

Last time I checked, I was an idol within the wrestling world.  And my name was Clancy McClean.  I'm the good and the bad of professional wrestling, without the ugly.  Through my tenure I've outlasted them all.  I'm just...  I'm...  I just am.  It is because I exist that there is so much love and joy in the world.  And it's because people like Chris Cairns and whatever second-rate venture he happens to be doing at any given moment exists that there is poverty and depression in the Third World.  Bottom line: I am your God.  Footnote: Chris Cairns sucks balls.

This week you impoverished bags of bones are in for something very special indeed, given that we're coming right off the extravagant extravaganza that was Fallout: Heatwave II.  And no, it's not gonna be a review...  Cairnsy already had a stab at that and scruffy bastard'd it up for the rest of us.  No, cretins, you're way off.  Ever the entrepreneur and innovator, I feel it is my duty to take the field of post-PPV analysis another step further.  I looked to the Gods (the other Gods, I mean.  Not me) and seeked guidance.  And do you know what they told me?  No, of course you don't.  But they told me that GZW2K1 isn't made of a 'mountain' or a 'ladder' like the grunt workers often say, but rather it's one big skyscraper.  There's no king of the mountain, folks.  There's just inhabitants of the various floors.  And what's the key to all of this?  The elevator.  Join me now, you festering spit buckets, as I get down to 'that word'...  Beeswax?  No, idiot.  Bart Simpson?  No, stop guessing already!  Alright, I'll tell you: Business.

...Just Business, that is!!!

I call my next trick Clancy McClean's PPV Elevator.  You've never seen it before...  Here.  It's going to be amazing.  Basically, I single out somebody and give you people the down low as to where exactly the elevator will take them after their Heatwave performance.  Simple enough?  Yeah, just like you people.  Here we go...

Seth Raide – A strong presence throughout the show culminating in his capturing of the GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship spelled a good night for this man.  Fine, he didn’t exactly follow through on his pre-match claims of unprecedented capabilities and it wasn’t exactly a clean win, but this guy’s now at the top of our mountain.  Like it or not, toilet rolls, it’s a fact of life.  Objectively, Raide set out to achieve something at Heatwave, and he did just that.  For now, he’s on the rise...  Exactly how long this ascension will last is anyone’s guess, but suffice to say, there are more than a couple of people gunning straight for him.  Elevator: Up, with a LOT of people calling him down from the ground.

 Lord John Taylor – Once again, we see the old ‘PPV curse’ ringing true for our Coliseum Lord.  In six tries now, Taylor can only claim success at two Pay-Per-View events, one of which was via disqualification.  With that said, only one of his losses could even be considered half-clean, and you can bet your blobby ass that Heatwave wasn’t it.  Don’t forget, mongrels, that Seth Raide is a HKWF worker…  That still leaves Taylor at the very top of GZW, if only by default.  Actually, that’s not nice.  Lord Taylor will be Lord Taylor, whether the World Heavyweight Title is around his waist, Seth Raide’s or Chris freakin’ Cairns’.  Elevator: Stuck at the penthouse for the foreseeable future.

 James “Monarch” Corbin – After too long, the Wrestling Franchise is back in a GZW ring.  Marvellous.  Not only did he take it to that artsy-fartsy ladyboy Vernon Vanderbilt, but he also rid the company of Parents Against GZW…  All in one fell swoop.  This man was on fire throughout the show, but I’m just surprised that we didn’t see him more involved in the HKWF/GZW war, on one side or the other.  Bottom line: The beast is back.  Elevator: Speeding right back up to his spot at the penthouse.

 Vernon Vanderbilt – Does this kid know how lucky he is?  It’s not every up-and-comer that Monarch singles out like that.  In fact, there’s only been a few.  Anyone familiar with the names Fiery, Sharp or Taylor?  Sure, The V came up short at Heatwave, but if I know him half as well as I’m two-hundred-per-cent positive that I do, he won’t let this one go.  And if there’s one thing Monarch can’t stand, it’s youngsters that he’s beaten continuing to run their mouths about him…  Ladies and gentlemen, Heatwave was just the beginning between these two.  Elevator: Up several floors.

 Jimmy Williams – Uh, yeah.  Lucky bastard pulled a fast one on my QVC boys and managed to snag Jay’s Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship.  Big deal.  He’ll drop it.  Soon.  At least for now he can refer to himself as the “Three ‘X’ Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion”.  That’ll be nice, right?  Elevator: Up, but only to the maintenance floor.

 Jay Jameson – Gurgle what you may about this young man’s recent performance, but it’ll all be in vein soon.  A quiet title reign topped off sourly with accidental interference on the part of his own stablemate leading to a major title loss…  Things don’t get much worse than that.  Seriously.  It’s all uphill from here.  Upon losing the Intercontinental Title, Jay received a World Heavyweight Title shot for any point in the future.  Top that off with the Neophyte Of The Year Gauntlet just around the corner, and Jay is set to turn it all back around.  Elevator: No change yet.

 Zac Sharp – Everyone’s favourite child prodigy managed to drop some seven foot lunatic into a grave.  Everyone goes home happy.  Zachary is on the rise, of course…  It’s all gravy for him right now; Chit-chat with Kandi Fortune and Vernon Vanderbilt with a little bit of wrestling on the side.  Of course, there’s also “The Match That Everybody (i.e. just Zac & Monarch) Wants To See” on the horizon.  What else is there for a humble reporter such as myself to do other than give the kid a pat on the back and wish him good luck on his endeavours.  Elevator: Elevator?  This kid’s taking the executive carriage!

 Necron – What happened?  Zac Sharp shouldn’t have been a threat for this beast.  The fact that we haven’t seen him since has me just a little worried and has a lot of doubters, well, doubting as to whether or not this ‘monster’ is truly all he’s cracked up to be.  Time will tell, but right now it’s all looking a tad unclear.  Elevator: Down a floor for now.

 The Root – What a night for Amun Ma’at Heatwave II turned out to be, eh?  Squashing long-time rival Shane Ryder in a matter of minutes before going on to all but blow the poor sap up with a C4 variation!  Absolutely unheard of, children.  The problem with The Root is that he is just so volatile.  Had he the right discipline, he’d be going right to the World Heavyweight Title picture within weeks…  Unfortunately, there will be some repercussions for what he did.  Let’s hope they’re short and sweet, then.  Elevator: On hold while he gets a slap on the wrist, but waiting to ascend.

 Shane Ryder – Wellity, wellity, wellity.  How the mediocre have fallen.  You go from doing absolutely nothing for three months to doing absolutely nothing (during a US Heavyweight Title bout) for three minutes and getting pinned…  Freakin’ bummer, if you ask the C-Man.  Which, of course, any sane person does.  Elevator: Down fifty-eight floors, in a fiery ball.

 Vyle – Now here’s something to be happy about.  “The Man With No Nickname” may just have found himself a new direction in his GZW life.  His big win over Seven in the Three-Way match spells a US Heavyweight Championship match and dare I say such a prospect has put a new swing in the young man’s step…  He’s since come off a recent string of entertaining promotional pieces and he may have found his niche in trying to better these United States.  More power to him!  Elevator: Up a couple of floors.

 Seven – On his own against Vyle for the third time, this big lug’s luck finally ran out.  Let’s see now, in the last two months he’s proved himself unfit for the W.C.E.K. Television, United States and World Heavyweight divisions…  And he complains about not getting title shots?  Get over yourself, peroxide prince.  You’re done.  Get off my property.  Elevator: Down a floor or two, destined for the Extreme Heavyweight floor.

 Mychael Lord – Medical clearance…  As freakin’ if.  Elevator: All the way down to the ground floor.

 Quake – Another top-notch all-night performance from the Baldest Of All Time here…  The impressive showing against Viktor Kovalex really showed the talent gap between the Quake One and the majority of his challengers.  His time is coming, fast. 

 Viktor Kovalex – The word ‘Yawn’ is too good for this sack of not-that-much-at-all…  Poor showing against my man the Quakester.  Virtually no on-air presence on the show, let alone on TV in the last, what, decade?  Please.  He’s lucky that the elevator’ll even take him.  Elevator: Down, down, down!

 Cop Kahn Moral / Parents Against GZW – What could’ve been a beautiful night for these people turned a little sour.  First Quake dominates Chris Cairns’ shitey Television Sin-Bin, then CKM is snubbed in the biggest match of his career in favour of James “Monarch” Corbin, all topped off by the entire group officially being shown the back door, as it were.  Nice knowing you!  Elevator: Down to the ground floor and out the door.  In a hurry.

 Chris Cairns – Pffft.  As if this sack of crap’s even in the building!  Contest Of Who?  Creation What?  Let’s see you joke about Naughty Nympho’s when it’s the C-Man basking in all of his innovative glory.  Move along, now.  Elevator: Riiight…

 Jon Kellar – A big night for the Creation Champion.  He was officially presented with his little trophy, withstood 50-odd tables to retain his Extreme Heavyweight title only to lose it to some schmuck and be handed it back hours later.  You talk about being everywhere at once!  This young man is on the uppin’ up and up.  With a World Heavyweight Championship shot in a matter of days, things are looking brighter than Quake’s scalp.  Elevator: Up several floors, quite possibly destined for the top.

 Zander Frost – The HKWF Hardcore Champion’s performance throughout the night was a pleasant surprise.  Taking full advantage of Jon Kellar’s Open Season and using it to just toy with “Human Dynamite” really had me leaning in the direction that, ultimately, Frost was the better man on the night.  Will he keep this going?  Can the man finally come into his own?  Time will tell, morons.  Of course, if you can’t tell time in the first place, then that’s no good to you.  Elevator: Up several floors.

 Kid X – As my good friend James L. Jameson would say, “Ch-yeah”.  Non-vocal waste of space that he is, ‘The Blandest Of All Time’ was one of the few to leave Heatwave totally and utterly directionless.  Poor sap.  Elevator: Down.  Into oblivion.

 James Tanner – Oh no: AMNESIA~!!!  I think I’ll just forget to pay attention.  Elevator: What?  Who am I?

 Richard Napier – A standard debut from a standard-enough wrestler.  He’s nowhere at the moment, so naturally the only place he can go is up…  Let’s just see how far that’ll be.  Elevator: Up, by default.

 Colby Anderson – Well, he won his debut.  He brawled with some HKWF goons twice his size and I think he may have even had an Extreme Heavyweight Title reign in there somewhere.  A good first night, all in all.  Now I’ve got to go and puke.  Excuse me.  Elevator: Up.  A bit…

 Shawn Showtime – Probably the most quiet of the three debutantes at Heatwave.  What else can be said?  Get workin’, kid.  Elevator: Colby Anderson.

 Of course, I couldn't just stop there.  We had some guest appearances.  *Ahem*

 Nathan Williams – OHMYGOD~!!!  Surprise return of the century or what?  I’m gonna go with ‘what’, you big lug.  So the dinosaur’s back.  And guess what, it still ‘feels good to be in this ring’.  Keep up the go-  Keep up the work, Williams.  You’ll get Taylor and Raide one day.  Elevator: *Snores*

Seth Richards - Finally, this double-crossing little rat does something to warrant 'Just Business' highlighting...  This just in - Not only is Richards a back stabbing bozo, but he's also a coward!  His one appearance in months and all he does is appease James "Monarch" Corbin!  Ha.  Ha, ha, ha.  Oh, this is sweet.  Everybody join in.  Call him a pussy, even.  I mean, he's just willingly stooped to the lowest of the low.  This man's days as President of this company are N-U-M-B-E-R-E-D, cretins.  Numbered.  Elevator: As if.  The elevator doesn't even go that low.

John Profit - Last, but not exactly least, is HKWF's figurehead.  He claims that the actions of his HKWF roster was in defence of their homeland.  It looked more like a Viking pillage to me, but what do I know?  He'll be around for a while.  Elevator: Wherever he likes. 

So that's it.  Keep whichever eye hasn't got hot sauce in it peeled for more announcements about this year's Neophyte Of The Year Gauntlet, because as the saying goes, "If you don't, you will die."

G'night, toe rags.

Clancy McClean