Just Business

A big, fat "how do?" from this most decorated of GZW2K1 Directors Of New Media, whatchamacallits!

As always, I am the rock-solid Philanthropist, Clancy McClean, here doing what I do best - Making people's lives better. No joke, moron. In the fourteen editions of this wonderful column that could (outdo every column ever), I have explored the wonderful world of GroundZero Wrestling 2K1 and analysed the goo within. You've laughed... You've cried... You've probably even choked on a stale bucket of Chicken Yoghurt... And you've got me to thank.

Just Business has always been about more than your little brains could even comprehend. If one issue is labelled "Roster Evaluations", you can be sure that the subtext probably documents the political and geographical history of China as well. What I'm trying to hammer home to you people is that this most calculating of columns has never been, and will never be static. I will never allow this column - often praised as "The Voice Of The People" - to lower itself to the standards of those that have come and gone before it. I will not tie this down to mere lists. I am always looking for bigger and better things to expand upon, and this week's edition is no different. Cretins, be prepared for something you'll never see again, as Just Business steps through the confines of reality and we explore the complex hypothetical...

"...What if Clancy could book Fallout: Against The Odds?"

The ratings would be through the bloody roof, for a start. I would give you people what you wanted to see, nonchalantly trimming away the excess grub and fat in the process.

As little as we know about this upcoming April Pay-Per-View, my colleagues in the Command Suite have made the fatal error of revealing that the show is to take place in the absolute armpit of North America - Cancun, Mexico. Of all places on the globe, why Mexico? Really? Unless this means the return to form of Mexican-bred Lord John Taylor or the flat-out return of Mexican-bred Paul Spartan, then I see no other reason than a lower overhead. The fact that I'm on the board would leave me with a sour taste in my dentist's dream of a mouth if I learned that it was the latter. When the C-Man is involved, corners simply don't need to be cut. I could've hosted the damn thing on my private island, Totalitaria, for God's sakes...

That ugliness out of the way, let's take a look at what we've got - a consistent roster of twenty-five or so. Trying to avoid the nightmare that was Destiny Fulfilled, from a promoter's point of view, of course, I would be a little more sparing when handing out matches. Seventeen matches between what, 34 wrestlers, a number of whom have since been released and a handful of whom fall into the 'Developmental' category is just plain silly...

What has Willie Haire done over the last year to deserve a PPV bonus? What about Kaine or Edwin MacPhisto? Justin Sharp? Some of these people had absolutely no place on the card, but surprisingly were featured. To Ronald McCleanald over here, a PPV event is there to showcase the best of the best, not "everything". Why were all those debutants given separate matches? The American thing would've been to throw them all into one big match to open the show... It'd cut the sheer number of matches sizably and would've genuinely given us some sort of idea as to who was going where. Oh well...

Let's start with the booking, then. Straight away, we've got to have the four titles defended, so provisionally (provided they don't drop their titles between now and then. Duh.) that means we've got Seven, Jon Kellar, Kid Kaos and Pimp Bizkit all competing by default. Fair enough, they can just about hold their weight.

The other major players and contenders that'll have to be involved, then, will include "Number One Contender" Bane, "Lord Of The Coliseum" John Taylor, Sincere and Gabriel, Heretics Sharpe and Tytan, and "Of Course" Jay Jameson. More-than-likelies such as Tommy Casper, Eclipse, Vyle, Quake, The Root and a returning Mychael Lord will probably make appearances. But, as far as I'm concerned, that's about it. Sympathy votes go to the likes of James Tanner, Kid X and Karl Marx, but just barely.

Let's talk undercard, then. Potential debuts aside, the opening matches will feature the likes of W.C.E.K. Television Champion Seven, relative newcomers like The Root and Shane Ryd- Actually, there's our first match.

The Root versus Shane Ryder. It practically writes itself. Of course, knowing my command suite comrades, we'll probably see this one tomorrow or something. Even still, it's got the makings of a successful PPV clash - Legit dislike for political and religious reasons, trash talk and the famed staredown at Destiny Fulfilled. Right, so that's one in the bank. Next...

I mentioned Seven and his title just a few paragraphs ago. Whilst it's up in the air whether Seven will actually still have his title by the time this whole thing rolls around, I'm going to go out on a limb and throw him to the master of the Quake Shake - Quake. D'uh. Quake is as deserving as they come as far as championship action goes, and when the U.S. Division (as I have so prophetically foreseen) is as swamped as it is, there is absolutely no time for this particular bald eagle to take things easy and glide just outside of the danger zone. This man is no stranger to Television Titles... In fact, as my CMC-In-The-Making of a client, Jay Jameson so kindly told me, Quake made quite a name for himself with a particularly long run with the Netlink Wrestling Organisation equivalent of our belt, simply called "The TV Title"... If Quake is gunning for the World Heavyweight Championship, there's no(one) better target than Seven and his title. W.C.E.K. Television Championship: Seven (c) vs. Quake.

But hold on...

What about the now infamous booking of the tag team match at the upcoming Sunday Storm show? Quake teams with his old pal Vyle to take on Vyle's nemesis Tommy Casper and a completely random former United States Heavyweight Champion, Phillip Tytan. I get the Quake and Vyle connection (get it?), the Vyle and Casper link, but really... Tytan? They're digging so hard for a partner for Casper they go back to the training days? Pfft. It seems as though there's more to all of this than meets the eye.

No, the big question is not "Are QVC reforming?" or "Who was behind that QVC prank on GZW TV last Friday?", but rather, "What's Tytan gonna do at Against The Odds?" Having been cut out of the US picture as far as the C-Man is concerned, I'm gonna go out on a limb and throw him into the TV title mix. Why? Because I'm ahead of my time. I see things coming. There's obviously something planned for Tytan and Quake, and by throwing Seven's title on the line, they're killing two birds with one stone. Not only do we get to see The Battle Of The Balds, there's more than a good chance that Seven won't leave another country with his title intact.

Updated, then. W.C.E.K. Television Championship: Seven (c) vs. Quake vs. Phillip Tytan. Make it a two-slapheads and white hair dye match. Never heard of it? Neither have I. Therefore, it's gold.

If the word on the boulevard is to be believed, Lord John Taylor is booked solid right until ATO... Against whom, you ask in that dog-like way of presenting yourselves? That's strictly L.A. Confidential, I'm afraid, but that doesn't stop the (Mc)Cleanest Of Clancies from voicing his expert and much sough-after opinion on the whole thing. If John Taylor is anything, it's flexible. He can be sculpted and moulded to compete in almost any situation, such as winning three title matches in one night or simply getting his ass kicked by whoever he might've happened to piss off... The good thing about this, from a booker's perspective, is that Taylor can 'go' with just about anybody on the roster... He's old guard enough to tangle with Sincere, Magic and Pimp yet young enough to still be considered a worthy opponent by the likes of Vyle, Gabriel and my man Jay Jameson.

Knowing that, what'll we do with him? He's number two in the contenders' rankings, which qualifies him for a shot at any title. Add to that the fact that he's still got his World Heavyweight Title rematch to cash in, and he could easily be headlining this whole thing... But I'm not that generous. Especially when it's an ingrate like Taylor we're talking about. Put it this way, he's got maybe three opponents lined up for the next three events... How and when these clashes are booked will spill the beans on his actual PPV match, but I'm not interested in that. I'm talking a big-money match... He's got unfinished business with a certain HKWF World Heavyweight Champion, a job half-done with a certain former CCW Triple Crown Heavyweight Champion and - Oh, well... I'll come back to this guy. Right now let's just call him a jerk.

Let's talk about the Extreme Heavyweight Championship for a second, shall we? Well, I shall. You just try to keep up. After an impressive showing on GZW TV and a very impressive showing against Neophyte Of The Year, "Buzzing" Electric Sharpe, new champion "The Unconvincing Englishman" Jon Kellar will be looking to cement his position as a mainstay and begin to work his way even higher up. With that work ethic of his, it's a very conceivable goal. In my opinion, it'll be Fallout: Against The Odds that makes or breaks "Human Dynamite"... It's his opportunity to show that his victory over Sharpe wasn't a fluke and, adversely, his opponent's chance to show that it was.

Have a look at the 'contenders', then. The few that scream 'hardcore' at you would be Eclipse, Marx, Phillip Tytan, Electric Sharpe and, at a push, Mychael Lord. But let's keep Lord open for the time being, OK? Of course it's OK. It's always OK when the McCleanster's involved. I've got other plans for Electric Sharpe and Eclipse, too, so that, as far as I'm concerned, leaves Karl Marx and Phillip Tytan. Triple Threat match? Ah, what the hell... Let's get James Tanner and his edgy attitude in there and make it a fatal fourway. Actually... No. Give it to Karl Marx if only for the entertainment value in the buildup. Sorry, Phillip... Hey, you'll probably get the W.C.E.K. Strap. Whatever, James. Right, then. Extreme Heavyweight Championship: "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar (c) vs. "The Natural Conversationalist" Karl Marx.

Another title match down. What about the nearly-men like James Tanner, Kid X, Mychael Lord and, depending on how the next few weeks fan out, Gabriel? Throw them all in one big pot and see what flavour soup stews over the course of a sub-par 10 minute encounter? Noooooo... Not at all, you moron. You start putting the contenderships and rankings into play. Start pidgeonholing these guys so you won't have to next time.

Face it, whether it's my card or the official one, you're going to see a few dull moments. Whether that's James Tanner versus Kid X or Elexia Croix-Fortune versus James Tanner or whatever... It's unavoidable. We can't all be superstars like Jay Jameson and Clancy McClean, you know. Let's start pairing these off, then. James Tanner and, oh... Mychael Lord. Want your history? You got it... Second round of the World Heavyweight Title tournament back in '04... Lord wins. Want something to fight for? You've got it... The winner gets a place in the rankings or automatically becomes number one contender to whatever title... Make things needlessly interesting, throw Kid X and Gabriel in on the other side. Two separate matches... The winners face each other on the next show. The winner of that is number one contender to the U.S. Title. Practically writes itself.

So that's Mychael Lord vs. James Tanner and Kid X vs. Gabriel.

I mentioned earlier that I had 'other plans' for a number of competitors... I wasn't lying. Basically, I look at the Official GZW2K1 Rankings and, well, something doesn't quite add up. Of the top '10', there is one bona-fide 'Main Eventer', and that's John Taylor at number two. Of course, number one contender Bane is borderline, but outside the 'top 2', the general population would be hard pressed to main event a Sunday Storm... You've got Sharpe, Tytan, Eclipse, Quake, Vyle and, most unacceptably, Jay Jameson all wasting their own time doing nothing but treading water. Clancy's solution? Pushes. Follow my lead and start building for the future today. Invest in people like Jameson... Invest in The Root or Eclipse or whoever. Make them stars.

The theory is rock-solid... Put it into practice and that spells a lot of deserved U.S. Title activity. Kid Kaos needs to get his act together and get back into the World Heavyweight Title hunt... Let's say that starts at ATO. Who deserves a shot? If Vyle can just let go of the whole issue of Seven and the W.C.E.K. Title and, more importantly, come out on top of this whole Casper situation, then I would say him for sure. But as much as he deserves it, so does Jay Jameson. Jay Jameson has taken all of the shit that he's been given and overcome it... He retired Reject, ladies and gentlemen... If he's not worthy of the United States Heavyweight Championship, then nobody is. At the time of writing, Sunday Storm has not gone on the air, and as such I can only hope that the main man of What Money Can Buy, Eclipse, doesn't get caught up in any way with Seven or the TV Title... I want him up there in US territory as well...

My proposal: A classic Fatal Fourway for the United States Championship. A call back to the days of Justin Sharp, Symon and company and the Intercontinental strap... Kid Kaos (c) vs. Vyle vs. Eclipse vs. Jay Jameson. Somebody look me in the eye and tell me that's not money.

As we get nearer and nearer the 'summit' of the card, all sorts of questions start buzzing around. What do we do with John Taylor and Sincere? Who gets the title shot? Do we involve Casper? Will Gabriel be up here? Will Justin Sharp be back?

Shhhhhh. Let's just relax and think about it logically. The upper echelon, in it's present form, consists of Pimp Bizkit, Lord John Taylor, Sincere, Bane and, arguably, Tommy Casper. You could go off on all sorts of tangents speculating on when and if Paul Spartan will return. The same can be said for Monarch. Sean Fiery, even. Well, let's not speculate. Let's go with what we have. One World Heavyweight title, four or five guys with something of a claim to it.

But do they want it?

Pimp Bizkit does. My man in Wigan lives for that thing, and it'll take some hefty pliers to pry it away from him at this stage. He's shown that he can fight through interference from opposition stables, distractions from his own allies and more just to keep his spot.

Bane wants it. He wanted it enough to disrupt the main event at Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled. He's not going to stop when he's this far. BUT... Is Against The Odds his time? Is the name truly a reflection on where Bane is right now? I'd have to say 'no'... I mean, what odds is he up against? He's 6'11 and 350lbs. He's physically the biggest guy on the roster. He's got backing from a second rate manager/columnist and willingly took it upon himself to walk out on, and effectively disband Syndicate Zero in one fell swoop. And somebody's trying to sell this as his moment? Really, this is already starting to sound waaay too familiar for my liking. A bit linear, you know? Wasn't it Justin Sharp that did more or less the exact same thing about a Pay-Per-View ago? Wasn't it sad that we all saw it coming from a mile away and had to watch as it slowly churned it's way to a lacklustre Pay-Per-View Main Event that hogged it up for the rest of us?

Yeah, I'm saying it. Bane doesn't get his title shot like this.

As far as I'm concerned, he's got about as much actual claim to the title as Tommy Casper does. Probably considerably less, actually. I mean, look at the Banester's win/loss record. Not very impressive at all. Don't get me wrong, I love the big lug. He's fun. But is that what this company looks for in a champion? Not when I'm hypothetically at the reigns, it's not. I mentioned Casper... An amazing talent and one with a title shot lined up at some point. But the sad thing is that he just hasn't got over as he'd planned to. Solution?

Tommy Casper vs. Bane, number one contender's match. It's Tommy's chance to catch up and Bane's chance to slow down to a workable pace. It makes perfect sense, and sets us up nicely for a blockbuster of a main event.

John Taylor and Sincere's situation is an odd one. If I were booking this show and it was to take place tonight, there'd be no problem. I'd stick Taylor in with Gabriel. Wait another while and I'd coax Sean Fiery out of retirement for a L.O.T.C. rematch. Wait another while and I'd dangle a green carrot in front of HKWF Champion Seth Raide and organise that. But unfortunately, this event isn't scheduled to happen for over a month. That leaves a lot of time for things to change. The safe-as-houses bet, however, is that Taylor and Sincere will clash again at some point. But the dangerous thing is that such a match would, for the second PPV in a row, leave Pimp Bizkit alone with an unestablished main eventer. That was Justin Sharp... Next month, if things don't go the McClean way (the only blood way that counts, mate), it'll be Bane or Tommy Casper.

The foolproof way to get around this is to simply ensure that Pimp is not alone. Think back to the old saying that 'a hundred heads are so much better than two'... Actually, it wasn't that. It was something like it, though. Anyway. If you can't bank on Pimp Bizkit and an uncertain challenger, then make doubly-damn-sure by replacing 'uncertain challenger' with 'two biggest stars in the company'... That's right, a second triple threat match. Nobody'll care about the W.C.E.K. TV Title once they see the following.

Picture it...

GZW2K1 World Heavyweight Championship: "Living Legend" Pimp Bizkit (c) vs. "The Jade Dragon" Sincere vs. "Lone Gunman" Lord John Taylor. It's sensational. It's an absolute no-risk situation. Whether Taylor and Sincere have become mortal enemies or best pals by the time ATO is upon us, it won't matter. They hate each other, fantastic. They love each other, fantastic. The whole thing's on autopilot. No combination of this match is a bad one. We've seen Taylor/Pimp and Taylor/Sincere recently... This one would truly be one for the ages. And really, don't drool on the page as though it wouldn't happen. Look at Fallout: Collision Course. Taylor, Pimp and JAMES TANNER~?! No, no... This is happening, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoa. I just stepped back through the looking glass there. Think I chipped a tooth. Anyway, let's examine my findings, shall we?

Let the drums roll...

April 2004
LIVE from Totalitaria, Clancy McClean's perfect island

Triple Threat Match
W.C.E.K. Television Championship
"The Dark Angel" Seven (c) versus Quake versus Phillip Tytan

Singles Match - A
"Gamebreaker" Mychael Lord versus James "Desecrator" Tanner
Winner goes on to face winner of match B for shot at U.S. Heavyweight Championship at next show

Singles Match - B
Kid X versus Gabriel
Winner goes on to face winner of match A for shot at U.S. Heavyweight Championship at next show

Singles Match
Shane Ryder versus The Root

Singles Match
Extreme Heavyweight Championship
"Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar (c) versus Karl Marx

Fatal Fourway Match
United States Heavyweight Championship
Kid Kaos (c) versus "Bad Attitude" Eclipse versus Vyle versus Jay Jameson

Singles Match
"The God Of Pain" Bane versus "The Future" Tommy Casper
Winner is declared number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship

Triple Threat Match
World Heavyweight Championship
"The Living Legend" Pimp Bizkit (c) versus "The Jade Dragon" Sincere versus "The Lone Gunman" Lord John Taylor

How does that look, then? Excellent? Yeah. Eight matches, twenty wrestlers. A more refined step-up from Destiny Fulfilled. Who cares if I missed people out? Who cares if I deliberately left people out? Who cares if it doesn't make sense or if it's simply illogical? Who cares if none of the current champions still hold their belts by the time the PPV rolls around? Who cares if Totalitaria is a real place?

In the end, all I can say to that is - I'm Clancy Freakin' McClean. The end.

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