Greetin's, Cretins!

I am Clancy McClean, GZW2K1 Director Of New Media, manager, talent scout, Renaissance Man, Entrepreneur.  You name it, I've probably done it and done it ten times better than you ever could and yes, I know that the proper pronunciation of Cretin doesn't actually rhyme with 'Greetin's'...  But you don't, so I'll continue to open many a classic article with it.

Today's edition has a very specific point, and that is upcoming Pay-Per-View extravaganza, Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled!!!  Relax, keep those dungarees on for the moment.  Actually, don't bother.  Go right ahead...  Indulge, because I know I'm about to, as I get down to business.

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JUST BUSINESS, that is!

As good as we’re told The Root is, I foresee major problems in what would otherwise be a routine debut opening match against token idiot Willie Haire…  Amun Ma’at sells himself as being able to counter almost any wrestling move, right?  What I wonder is exactly how does one go about counteracting a wrestler who doesn’t actually know how to wrestle in the first place?  Good luck trying to reverse the sloppiest move set this side of the McDonald’s counter, Root Of All Evil.  Granted, it’s this guy’s debut and it’s on Pay-Per-View, so by default he’s not losing, but I think he might get a little more than he bargained for with this particular idiot.
Clancy’s Pick: The Root

 I’m no fan of the real Karl Marx, so why should a cheap knockoff excite me?  And come on, look at his opponent – “Mr. Big” Nathan W.  Don’t make me laugh, booking committee.  This one is going to bomb, no two ways about it.  We haven’t heard in this Marx in who-cares-how-long and NW’s talent and ability to put on any sort of exciting or worthwhile match speaks for itself.  Case in point being the Seven/NW borefest at Sunday Storm’s “Destiny Awaits”.  The highlight of that tripe was Marx’s appearance.  That’s saying something.  This one doesn’t even have the comic relief factor of Seven…  Sounds like toilet break numero uno to the C-Man…
Clancy’s Pick: The winner?  Every hotdog vendor in the Saddle Dome!

The same can be said again for Brute and Mikey Mell’s imminent snoozapalooza.  In fact, that’s all this remarkable reporter will say.
Clancy’s Pick: Nine tenths of the show’s Midcard.  Better by comparison, anyone? 

Things are set to pick up, if only for five minutes, when two-thirds of our announce team square off inside a steel cage.  Basically, we’re going to see my man Joshua Samson force Todd Crumb to choke on the crumbs of a sub-par co-hosting career…  I bet Todd’s performance will be really crumby!  My god, I hope I’m calling this one with a decidedly neutral Patrick Nelson on the night…
Clancy’s Pick: Joshua Samson 

Following on from that massacre we are treated to a match that may as well be labelled the in-ring debuts of Quake and Blade Arkhan…  Why?  Because so minute was the competition provided for the Quake One in “SiDeShOw” SeAn, everyone’s favourite bald guy didn’t even have time to break a sweat.  Expect a much more intense Quakester, idiots and idiettes.  What about “The Boring Bastard” Blade Arkhan, then?  Nine feet twelve and a half, three tons of rock solid monotony...  If it were physically achievable, I would give this one to Quake as a squash.  Granted, Quake’ll have to work to get the big lug down, but once he does, just wait and see where he goes.
Clancy’s Pick: Quake 

One word describes the Kid X/Victor Storm showdown – “Eh.”  What we have in this match is something remarkable.  Two of the most well-matched members of the GZW2K1 Roster…  In that they’re both equally bland, gimmickless and heatless.  Kid X disappointed me in my Neophyte Of The Year tournament last year.  He showed me that he didn’t want the fruits which only the C-God can offer.  Because of that, he deserves Mr. Storm in this glorified intermission.  Y’know, even typing about competitors of this ‘calibre’ gives me a headache.  Let’s leave it up to the boys to prove me right.
Clancy’s Pick: N/A 

Kaine, Kaine, Kaine…  What happened, buddy?  The GZW was your oyster and there was stock just waiting for you in the CMC Corporation…  What possessed you to turn to the dark side, kid?  What does Andrew Excelsior have that The Renaissance Man doesn’t?  Bad hair?  No personality?  Please, sometime, tell me what it is that draws prospective clients to Excelsior of all people…  At least “Uncle” Chris Cairns has his whole ‘stupid’ gimmick going on to keep his client amused…  And hold on, speaking of worthless managers…  Kaine’s opponent, James Tanner had a quiet run under an equally quiet Peter Gamble.  The Hero of my UwU has sunk to great lows since his days in my promotion and even felt the need to pick up the deadbeat Tanner along the way.  Anyway, this one is set to be a painfully average Midcard affair.  The longer these two go after the ten minute mark, the more and more their weaknesses will begin to unravel.  My advice to both parties is to keep it short and sweet.  The winner is up in the air, but the fact that Kaine has “Contender No. 47” Edwin MacPhisto by his side has me inclined to give this one to “The Untouchable”.
Clancy’s Pick: “The Untouchable” Kaine 

Speaking of Aussie Punks, Edwin MacPhisto looks set to put in another ‘decent’ performance this Sunday…  Unfortunately for him, his opponent is my boy Eclipse, and going by the events of last week’s Storm concerning one Joshua Cleaver, Destiny Fulfilled is not exactly set to be Edwin’s Night.  Is he in store for a five-star dismantling?  Possibly, but I think not.  “Bad Attitude” should have more to worry about than this go-nowhere Australian and pretty soon, I will personally see to it that he does.  At the very least, Eclipse should be up there in contention for the United States Heavyweight belt…  Arguably, he should be even higher than that.  Time will tell exactly where Eclipse settles, but for now and as a wayfaring stranger, all he can do is put MacPhisto away for the inevitable three-count.
Clancy’s Pick: “Bad Attitude” Eclipse 

Quickly getting over my disappointment at Eclipse’s misuse at the hands of the committee, the Last Man Standing match between my boy Jay Jameson and the inconsistent Reject will bring nothing but a smile to my lips and a 5’11, 266lb gap in the GZW2K1 Roster.  That’s right, Jay Jameson is going to trounce Reject, pure and simple…  You heard it from the gift horse’s mouth.  Jay Jameson can’t lose…  Reject is blinded by this ignorant belief that he has to leave some sort of lasting impression on his way out, but I say that’s nothing but balderdash!  The time for no-selling, non-cooperating ‘tough guys’ is long gone, but clearly nobody told Reject.  Six HKWF Hardcore Titles or none, it won’t matter after this one is all over.  I just savour the thought of an unconscious, defeated and bloodied Reject staring up at the ceiling of the Saddle Dome, Jameson and myself standing over him victoriously…  Of course, it’ll be a tough battle, but at the same time it’ll be a superstar-defining one.  You fans don’t want to accept Jay Jameson for what he is?  Once he is the Last Man Standing, it’ll be your only choice.  Mark my immaculate words, civilians.
Clancy’s Pick: Jay Jameson 

Why Tommy Casper is forced to wrestle ‘Horseman’ Pestilence is beyond me.  Why this sure-to-be five minute squash is booked higher in the card than the Last Man Standing match is even further beyond me.  Tommy Casper is a man that deserves better than this…  A lot better than this.  Here is a man that took what our Lord, John Taylor had, gave it right back and wrestled him to an unfortunate no-contest.  Why, then, is he in any way affiliated with this overgrown cartoon character?  I sure hope the budget can support another round of ‘bug control’ effects, because it’ll take something supernatural to lift this one out of the toilet.  Tommy Casper, just one man, is the future of GZW.  With that said, he is just one man, and there is only so much that a solitary man can do in a wrestling match with someone as inexperienced as Pestilence…  Don’t worry, Tommy…  You’re not alone in the under-utilisation department.
Clancy’s Pick: “The Future” Tommy Casper 

Despite their number one contender’s match and the eventual U.S. Heavyweight title match itself being but a glorified and elaborate rehashing of last week’s triple threat match, the combination of Bane, Kid Kaos and new champion Phillip Tytan have the opportunity to make some major waves at Destiny Fulfilled.  The fact that the two challengers make up half of the top four contenders to the World Heavyweight title shows that either would make a credible U.S. Champion…  Of course, Kid Kaos just lost the belt last week, but that in my mind will play against him.  Time and time again, “The Rizin’ Star” has shown that he cracks under pressure…  You’ve got the official main event of Aftermath 2K2, the final match of my Neophyte Of The Year tournament last year and his poor Lord Of The Coliseum performance both years being but four examples.  With that said, I can safely factor Kaos out of the equation.  Of course, I’ll cross the actual title match bridge when I come to it, but to keep things chronological and in regards to the contenders’ match…
Clancy’s Pick: “The God Of Pain” Bane 

We’ve got another potential cracker at the top of the Extreme Heavyweight division, as reigning champion (and reigning Neophyte Of The Year), “Buzzing” Electric Sharpe, lays the belt on the line against seemingly one of the sounder newcomers, “Human Dynamite” Jon Kellar.  In his short stay here, Kellar can claim a ‘win’ over Reject, officially at least.  In the few weeks since his debut, he’s steadily carried himself along and from what he says he will make quite a challenge for my man Sharpe…  With that said, Sharpe is “Buzzing”.  Suffice to say, he’s done a lot since his debut less than a year ago.  This one could be looked at in two different ways.  One, the committee want Sharpe out of the extreme mould before he injures himself and right into the upper card…  Plausible and reasonable enough.  Two, the committee is priming Kellar for a monster push and are looking for him to receive the mythical ‘rub’ from young “Buzzing”…  Whether that means taking the title or taking the fight to him, this Godlike reporter doesn’t quite know.  Honestly, this one is up in the air.  Logically, though, I never bet against a winner, so Sharpe it is…
Clancy’s Pick: “Buzzing” Electric Sharpe 

Just as things begin to look up, I’m set to lose all faith in humanity once again as “The Show Killer” Seven looks to make another W.C.E.K. Television Title defence…  Against To Be Anounced!!!  What’s the matter, the big lug couldn’t find a challenger to fill “Mr. Big” Nathan W’s boots from last week?  Please.  Let the moron wrestle himself or something…
Clancy’s Pick: “To Be Announced” 

…And the see-saw cycle continues as business picks up once again as we climb higher and higher up the card.  Refer to my assessment of the U.S. Title contenders’ match from earlier on and you will find that I foresaw Bane to go on and face Phillip Tytan for the United States Heavyweight Championship.  The third of four title matches on the show and it is in a prime position to get both participants some major spotlight.  Phillip Tytan is a proud Heretic and Bane is an unenthusiastic member of Syndicate Zero.  The simple math would show that Bane could easily find himself outnumbered.  But that’s not the important part.  The important part is that Bane is one of the few ‘giant freaks’ bigger than “The Punisher”.  Straight up one-on-one, it’d be hard to assess a winner.  The fact that Bane was named number one contender to the World Heavyweight Championship recently leads me to believe that he’s on his way up in the world, and the U.S. title would be the ideal rest-stop for him.  And I think he knows that.  If he hotshots himself into the World title picture now, then we’re destined to see a rerun of his HKWF title run…  His best move would be to suck it up, realise what’s in front of him and grab it.  I’ll go out on a limb when I say…
Clancy’s Pick (and NEW United States Heavyweight Champion): “The God Of Pain” Bane 

Pressing on to what could just as easily be the main event, the legendary Sincere makes his in-ring debut after years at the sidelines to take on our Lord Of The Coliseum, “Lone Gunman” John Taylor.  Taylor was Wrestler Of The Year for 2004, but Sincere ensured said year would NOT end on a high note for old Honest John, decimating and humiliating him just moments after Taylor had lost the World Heavyweight title to Pimp Bizkit…  Sincere wants something from Taylor, and even I don’t know what it is.  A brief glance through GZW history shows, however, that the general rule of thumb is that if Sincere wants something, he finds a way to get it.  For weeks we’ve heard about The Jade Dragon’s mystery enforcer and the mystery of exactly what part he’ll play in Sunday’s proceedings.  Something (Sincere, actually) tells me that such information will remain a secret until the last possible moment…  Of course, by then it’ll be too late for the Lone Gunman.  Sincere has also said that his business with Taylor extends further than a mere Pay-Per-View match.  With that in mind, I get the distinct feeling that Taylor isn’t walking out of the Saddle Dome on his own two feet.  One-on-one, it’d be near too close to call…  You’re talking different eras.  However, this Philanthropist sees this as more of a testing-of-the-waters for Sincere and whoever his enforcer may be.  Until said enforcer is right before my very eyes, I’ve got no choice but to give this to Sincere on general principle.  You’ll get another win someday, Taylor…
Clancy’s Pick: “The Jade Dragon” Sincere 

Main Event time.  Highway To Hell.  Pimp Bizkit defending against Justin Sharp…

…And you people couldn’t be any less excited!  Fair enough, we haven’t heard from Justin outside of GZW programming for what seems like months…  Fair enough, he’s all but left Syndicate Zero high and dry…  Fair enough, he was nowhere near the top of the contenders’ list when the time for booking came around…  But, eh…

He’s still Justin Sharp, morons.  More so, he’s got Pimp Bizkit AND three cages to reassure any of you little kids that it is a worthwhile main event, after all.  Both of these guys left Aftermath 2K4 as winners…  More importantly, their wins were over the two Lord Of The Coliseum finalists…  That stands for something, humans.  On top of that, it was Justin’s brother Zachary in the original Highway To Hell match with Paul Spartan…  Don’t you idiots see the logic here?  It’s slapping you in the face!!!  Anyway…  As big a Pimp Bizkit fan as I am, I can’t help but feel left short with this, his second World Heavyweight title reign…  I don’t know if it’s the standard of his opponents or the lack of any opponents, but I know Pimp can be far more sensational and spectacular than that…  And that’s where Destiny Fulfilled’s Main Event comes in.  It’s perfect, Pimp gets to fulfil his destiny and be recognised for the champion he is!!!  Wait and see, little ones.  Wait and see…
Clancy’s Pick: “The Living Legend” Pimp Bizkit 

So there you have it, ladies and germs – Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled in a fine and exotic nutshell...  Smooth, charismatic and lovable on the outside yet intelligent and substantial on the inside...  A lot like yours truly, in case you hadn't noticed.  Of course, there's more to the show through which I haven't yet held your hand and walked you.  The two glaring events being the only the third Ring Of Honor induction ceremony in GZW2K1 History and, OF COURSE, my appearance on "The Chris Cairns Show"...  But hey, I've already given you too much...

'Til next time,
Clancy McClean
GZW2K1 Director Of New Media