HotWire Magazine Cretins, you've had BaldWire and GayWire, and after that there really is only one logical step. You might foolishly call it McCleanWire or ClancyWire or ExcellentWire, but let's not. Let's simply call it ExcellentClancyMcCleanWire, shall we? Yes, we shall. This month, you undeserving piece-a-shits are in for one Jurassic Park of a treat. So without further adieu, we proudly present to you your guest editor - he is "The Reason You Get Up In The Morning" Clancy McClean!

Published by GZW2K1 in association with the CMC Corporation
July 2006
Very Special Issue
$20.00 | �10.00 | �21.00












   

Greetings, toilets, and welcome to yet another special edition of �The Reid Report� where I interview my favourite GroundZero personalities, or in Quake�s case, not so favourite. So far in the series we�ve had the aforementioned Quakester and the terrific Leon Taylor. But you know something, scruffians? I�ve gone and saved the best for, well, third! Yes, third time truly is a charm as I sit down with my hero � the man who inspired me to become a wrestling journalist, and who I�m sure is an inspiration and guiding light to us all: Clancy McClean! It truly was a meeting of two wonderful, beautiful minds and was a personal highlight of my career, as I�m sure it was for Clancy�s! So let�s see what happens when you put two terrific wrestling minds in the same room, as I interview the C-Man!

BDR: Clancy, it�s an absolute pleasure. 

McClean: I'm sure it must be, son. Not having any superiors to speak of, I'm afraid that I simply wouldn't know the feeling.

BDR: Wow, son! It feels like all my hard work has finally paid off, having to work my way up through this dump of a company, fight the backstage politicians, and now find myself in the big leagues. Do you perhaps see a bit of yourself in me? I mean, we have a lot in common.

McClean: Beadyoar - you don't mind me calling you Beadyoar, I'm willing to bet - I'll give you one piece of advice about the industry today. Nobody likes a selfish sonuvva'. You have to learn to get over yourself and focus on the more pressing issues. It's all a game of selflessness, you see. We're not here today to discuss you...that'd be egotistical pretention at its most pointless, self-serving and obnoxious. We're here today to talk about the pressing issue in today's GroundZero Wrestling - Me!

BDR: Indeed. But let�s get down to business, shall we? Just Business, if you will. Mr. McClean, in your absence this company has gone to the sewers, and I�m sure that�s no coincidence. I mean, we all know you were the gel holding this place together, and we were all truly left floundering when you disappeared on that infamous business trip. Care to share with your loving fans why exactly you�ve been away?

McClean: Oh, you know. This and that. Public relations, advertisement ventures and, eh, developing Human Resources and whathaveyou. Overseas aid, that sort of thing. Complicated behind-the-scenes work mostly. Ironically it was this work - truly helping the company where it counts - that had grabbed my attention so forcefully and ruthlessly that the on-air product's alleged decline was allowed to happen. Personally I'm pretty sure that none of this was any coincidence.

BDR: Oh? Do go on. 

McClean: Well, the thought occured to me while I was working out in a little old village in the back-ass of nowhere. Serbia or Crotia or Ireland or one of these places, y'get the drift? Of course you do. So there I was, spreading the good word of GZW, canvassing, et cetera. Working my $40,000 pants off, basically. Anyway, I had befriended a local fisher couple named Gtunku and Slorgon. Don't ask me which one was the chick. These were poor little working people, pathetically proletariat, that had no choice but to work fifty hours a day just to catch one fish that they would then sell on in return for a tin of beans, which would in turn heat their home (which was also the oar of their boat) for a couple of hours. However, they still found the time to come and visit little old me each and every day. They'd come down and say, "Mr. McClean, people say you're the backbone of GZW and the best thing going for the sport," - they had perfect English and no regional accents whatsoever - "but if this is true, why are you out here with us? Yes, you feed us and have built several tugboats, but you're just too crucial to GZW2K1 in our books." Considering they were illiterate and their village had but one communal book between them, this was quite a compliment. So after a little while, my work there was done and I made a hasty return!

BDR: And, upon your return, you�ve targeted some as the newer talent such as Wayne Hammon and Red Dragon, saying they�re not worthy of their place in GZW2K1. Of course, being that great minds think alike I already know why, but could you explain your reasons for these criticisms to our readers?

McClean: Let me see...I'm well aware how powerful and far-reaching the word of Clancy McClean is, and that can at times be detrimental. I don't want these Dragons and Freezers and Kev Manias to go out and hang themselves after reading my constructive critique. Unfortunately, it's happened in the past. Remember Pitfighter? No? Good. My problem with them goes far beyond them, if you're still with me. You're not, but allow me to continue. Basically it's not their fault that they suck and shouldn't be on TV. It's GZW2K1's booking committee and their collective IQ of 8.3 that means they're not used correctly at all. In professional wrestling there's always a place for the - how shall I put this - 'piss-poor in the talent department'. It all comes down to how they're used!

BDR: And now that you�re back, how do you intend to solve this crisis?

McClean: Well for a start I'd lobby to see these veritable D-students used properly. They shouldn't be headlining PPV's and holding titles whose names they can't pronounce! They should be appearing in backstage vignettes massaging my feet; used as cannon-fodder for Jon Kellar or whoever's meant to be the posterboy at this point in time; delivering pizzas. See? There's infinite-and-one things to do with these sack-a-shits, you just need a little common sense and the midas touch. And squillions of dollars.

_______________________________________

"An independent study carried out by the CMC Corporation
found that Seth Richards is the single worst person to have
ever lived."
_______________________________________

BDR: Sounds great, I must say. But who do you feel is to blame for GroundZero�s current situation? Would you point your finger at President Seth Richards?

McClean: I wouldn't point anything of mine at that moron, to be frank. I'd have someone else do it. Yeah, it's his fault. An independent study by my CMC Corporation showed that Richards is the single worst person to have ever lived. Make of that what you will, but in my leather-bound, squillion-selling book that means it's all his fault. 

BDR: Strong words, and I�m sure they�ll cause some degree of controversy. You might want to think carefully before you answer my next question, but would you ever think to challenge Richards for the GZW2K1 Presidency role?

McClean: Hmmm...I could be president. In fact I'd be the ultimate president: Great wrestling mind, great business mind, great in bed...Yeah. I guess the question you're really trying to ask is, 'would you ever think to challenge Richards for the GZW2K1 Presidency role?' 

BDR: Aye, that's what I asked...nevermind. So would you?

McClean: As history has proven, when I set my mind to doing something, I get it done. Take 2005's Neophyte of the Year tournament for example. It all comes down to priorities, Billster. I know I'd be a superior president to Richards. I'd love to see him forced out onto the streets to beg for money and dignity and I'd love to be the man responsible for that. But right now, becoming president is down there with going on a date with Dyna Might or taking a sponge bath with Calvin Jones. It's just not something I need right now, y'know? Lest we forget, I'm already an actual president, managing director and chief executive officer for my own CMC Corporation. Some people say those are three similar if not identical jobs but I've got the seperate - and very handsome - payslips to prove people wrong! I'm GZW2K1 Director of New Media. I'm all things all of the time, and as cushy a job as Richards' obviously is, that's not what I'm about. I'm a worker, Billy. Richards is a slacker. Check out my immaculate record and just how prolific a sorta guy I really am...Case in point, I won't rest until this issue of ClancyWire is ready to go to the presses on time and absolutely without delay!

BDR: Right... Let�s talk about the roster. Is there anyone impressing you currently? Who do you think deserves your praise? Remember, magazine columnists count�

McClean: Magazine columnists, you say? I see what you're hinting at, young man...but to be honest, it'd be unfair of me to include myself here. We all know it, but it'd be improper of me to give myself the spotlight like that. That's a valuable lesson actually, use that in your career - whatever it is you do for a living. Impressive wrestlers? "Neon" Leon Taylor. Fair enough, he's no stranger to a ride on the chocolate subway. He's partial to the odd spot of rectum-raiding. Not my cup of half-foam camomile tea, but whatever. I can see past it. Clancy McClean is no bigot, I'm as politically correct as they come. Remember that! Anyway, this Leon Taylor chappy: He's impressive. Once he keeps his icky little (s)exploits to himself, he's alright by me. Talented in the ring and on the mic, flowing blonde hair, he'd remind me of a young Clancy McClean if it weren't for...y'know...

BDR: Gotcha. And your relationship with Chris Cairns? With recent words spoken from you both, it seems you have fairly similar views on the current state of the company. Of course, your opinions were more eloquently worded than the Manchester yob, but you both seem to be in agreement for once. Any thoughts?

McClean: Ah, good old Chairs Cairns. Piss Cairns. Piss Chairs. Mr Monobrow. Clancy McClean's understudy. Whatever you'd like to call him. Personally I never call him, that Mancunian accent really grates my cheese y'see. Granted we've agreed on a couple of things lately, mainly the fine mess this once-The Godfather Part 2 of a company has managed to get itself in. But we've already discussed that. If you're asking am I shocked that my greatest nemesis since Seth Richards - oh, on a side note...Cairnsy came second on that 'worst person ever' study, followed by Hitler - agrees with me on the state of the promotion? Well, I'm shocked in the sense that I now see the man has half a brain at least. Congratulations, Cairnsy. Have I changed my views on him? Could we be fishing buddies? No way! I'd rather take my chances with Necron, The Grim Harvester than give the Cairnster my invaluable time of day. I'm flattered that he subscribes to my sterling point of view, but we'll leave it at that. 

_______________________________________

"I'd be the ultimate GZW2K1 President: Great wrestling
mind, great business sense, great in bed..."
_______________________________________

BDR: And finally, taking into account everything you�ve said so far, what exactly does the future hold for CMC in GroundZero Wrestling 2K1? Good times ahead?

McClean: With Clancy McClean, they're all good times. Whether I'm cutting one of my legendary promos, grooming a young rookie in the iconic way that only I can or even just sitting on the can: It's all gold. Throw 'the future' into the mix and that gets all sorts of juices flowing in the creative department.

BDR: Eh...What?

McClean: Nevermind! The point I'm trying to make is that - moreso than Monarch, moreso than John Taylor, moreso than anyone - I have it within my young, well-conditioned and impeccably-dressed self to be GZW2K1's saviour and messiah. I really do, Billy. I'm the guy that can draw blood - and heat - from a stone like Reject or "Money Maker" Dice Morgan. I'm the guy that made pigs fly by carrying Jay Jameson for almost a year. I'm a giving man, I bring out the best in everybody. I put people on maps. I can melt water and make mountains cry. Put these physically impossible talents together in the context of GZW's future and it goes a little something like this: I can save GroundZero Wrestling 2K1. I can make all the problems go away, get the fans back out from hiding. To be honest, I'm just value for money. Bottom line: I could save GZW from this great depression. The question is: Will I?

BDR: Well...Will you?

McClean: All in due time. Evil lol.

BDR: O-K. Thanks Clance-Vance, it's been a pleasure.

McClean: I know. You're welcome. Bye.

"The Clancy McClinic"

Clancy takes it upon himself to fix other people's problems

[Disclaimer: Clancy has never seen Frasier. Clancy has never even heard of Frasier. Neither have you.]

Are you a GZW wrestler? If not, then please skip ahead to some other section. If yes, then let me ask you more intrusive, vague questions! Are you suffering? Are you in pain? Have you got a problem? Already soiled and moistened several decent pairs of slacks (as if...) in a boarish, doglike attempt to figure it all out yourself? Worry not, worry warts. From now on, you don't have to! "The People's Champion" Clancy McClean is here to help the on-air talent with all their stupid little grievances and difficulties. The Clancy line is open, wrestlers, so show Clance Vance where it hurts!

"TOO DOMINANT!"

Your Problem: Hi, Clancy. I've been having a massive problem as of late. No one is stood in line to face the most dominant force in GZW history, and it's making me pretty damn motherfucking lonely. Please help! - Calvin Jones 

Clancy's Solution: Loneliness is tough, Calv'. I wouldn't know, of course, what with my being constantly surrounded by adoring fans and hot-for-it groupies and all. But I'm pretty sure it's tough. You say you're dominant, too dominant in fact. Perhaps that is where your problem lies. Nobody will want to play with you if you're just that damn dominant...there'd be no fun in it. Your peers may see you as piggish or wildebeastlike; they may not want anything to do with you. Basically, you seem to come on a little strong. So what's the solution, you ask? Cool the jets. Take it easy. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, have a shave...get a new T-Shirt. Dress to impress. Take a step back and don't worry so much about them coming to you. Just kick back and enjoy it - These, my son, are the best times of your life. Next!

   

"Pre-Aftermath Problems!"

Your Problem: Oh, great Clancy: Just who is going to main event Aftermath 2K6. I'm only dying to know. - Seth Richards, pathetic excuse for a president

Clancy's Solution: Well, Seth. This is how I see it: Headlining GZW's headline show is like having your elbow gnawed off by an Asian ferret - it doesn't happen to just anyone. Looking at the current roster, who does Clance Vance see stepping into the ring and main eventing the hell out of A2K6? It's a tough one. I'm getting mixed signals here. I'm hearing 'Neon' Leon Taylor versus Jon H. Kellar, but I'm also hearing 'Burny Freezer' Wayne Hahm versus Red Dragon. What can I say, Mr. President? Taylor/Kellar will be a money match, but there's no guarantees that they won't have grown sick and tired of each other by then. Taking into account my earlier, great prediction of an imminent Pimp Bizkit return, perhaps we'll see my Living Legend - to some the greatest heel in pro-wrestling history, after yours truly of course - take on one of our beloved aces like Zachary Sharp or Kid Kaos. Who knows, folks? I do, stupid! My expert analysis is this: Look for some combination involving Kid Kaos, Jon Kellar, Leon Taylor, Zachary Sharp or Pimp Bizkit. Specific enough for you? Of course. Problem solved.

   

"Holy Flip-Flops, it's the Boy Wonder!"

Your Problem: Hey ho friend, Zac Sharp here. I'm in one darn sticky situation with those fellas in the back. They're all good guys and all that, shucks, don't get me wrong, but they just can't seem to accept that I've changed. To them I'm still the same Ace Boy Wonder that used to crusade for GZW's goodwill and honor. But now that I'm in my mid-teens, I want them to see that I'm not like that any more. I'm in it for me now, to prove that I'm that fucking rebellious and that I'm a hard fucking ass and that I don't take no golly guff from nobody! How do I convince them otherwise, Uncle Clance Clance?  - Zachary Sharp

Clancy's Solution: Well, look who we've got here. Zac furrr-eakin' Sharp. I see that you've got a bit of a dilemma on your pre-pubescent hands, young man. A sticky situation as you said yourself...but surely now that you've hit puberty you're no stranger to a sticky mess or two? Hmmm... Let me think. The people of GZW have frozen you in their minds as the Zac Sharp of '02 and '03. Let me tell you, it'll take some doing to fix that one. However, I aim to please, so I've worked up a few practical steps you can take: Firstly, instead of tagging with Kandi Fortune-Corbin-Fortune, ASSAULT her! Nothing's more manlier and proves that a rookie has come of age than when he randomly attacks the wife of an enemy. Actually scratch that: Assault random women. Two, take up smoking. It'll stunt your growth and probably shorten your life, but an early death would be better than a lifetime of what you're stuck with now, right? Right? Smoking makes you look cool. People will see you and not think "there's that little posterboy now", they'll think "WHO THE HELL IS THAT CANADIAN BADASS?!" Three: Get a new catchphrase. You've been 'ready' for years now. Sure, you can keep it snappy and simple, but go for something with a bit more balls..."Fuck off!" or something along those lines. You'll be the most despised, feared and hated man in all of wrestling before you know it. Another satisfied customer.

 

"So close, but yet..."

Your Problem: Yo Clance-man, it be me, Kid muthafuckin' Kaos. I gots a real big problem that none of my dawgs can figgur ou', so I need some expert advice dude! The problem be this: No matter how hard I try and no matter how many chances I get, I always choke when it comes to wrestling for the World Heavyweight title y'all. It don't matta' who the playa' accross the ring is, it's me. I think I gots a curse or some shit. Help a bro out, bro. - Kid Kaos

Clancy's Solution: Ah, yes. Finally we get to take a look at why your star has been Risin' for years and years without really reaching anywhere. Sure, you're a fifty-time United States Heavyweight Champion at this point, which really is impressive for a guy your age. What are you at this stage, eight? Nine? Anyway, after what was offically your 4,353rd title shot just last week, you seem to have identified and admitted that you do, indeed, have a problem. As they say in ladder dealerships, "That's the first step." Now you've got to move forward. You've challenged just about every major player to hold that belt and you've not once come out on top. It's tough, Kid, but it's just science. That's the way it's worked thus far. Something we've learned from GZW History is that persistance is a key that will open many a door. If you can't beat Jon Kellar, challenge him again. And again. And again. It's basic, it's obvious, it's perfect! The best thing you can do is strike while the iron's hot. Keep at him and at him and at him. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the only fair way of doing it...However, there's always Plan B. If you go with our first plan you'll have tired yourself out before your twelvth birthday and you'll be nothing but retired. Plan B is better, Kid. And I think you can pull it off. See that US title you love so much? It loves you, too. It looks out for you. It would do anything for you. Why not put it to the test? No, I'm not suggesting you wrestle somebody for it. I'm suggesting you sneak into Mr. Kellar's house some night. March right upstairs, pass by Dyna's room and into his majesty's. You'll find him there, mouth open, drool everywhere, with THE title in his arms. That's the title you want and could never get. My proposal is that you simply snatch it and leave Jon H. the consolation prize of the US title! Posession is nine tenths of the law, Kaos. But - coming from the hood and all - I'm sure you know aaalllllll about posession. What can I say? I like to help people.

Greetin's, disgusting cretins!

In case you somehow missed it, my name is Clancy McClean, and it's the only one that matters in this company. I welcome you and yours to this, HotWire's flagship column. Believe it or not, this is the landmark 500th edition of Just Business, and because of that I feel that something particularly special is in order. Wouldn't you agree? I'll field that one for you: Yes, you would agree. Today's topic is one at the heart of all things GZW2K1. The future? The past? The present? People I don't like? Things that make me happy? Assorted ramblings about me and my fabulous lifestyle? No, folks. Not even close. Actually, it probably covers all of that and more. Let's start with some random musings, then. 

Like our current sham of a President, GZW2K1's main event picture is really starting to look rather thin on top. We've got Jon Kellar with the title, and I could argue that that's it. But I won't. I'll be generous. I'll be optimistic about it. I'll say that as well as 'Mr. Ultimatummy', there's Kid Kaos. Apparently, there's Zachary Sharp, a perpetual main eventer by lucky default. And then? Zilch. Leon Taylor's well on his way but until NEOGZW disband or Kellar loses the title, he's not a true contender. So how do we fix this nasty little problem? Why, look to your right of course! One of two things needs to happen. 1: We need heavyweights like Pimp Bizkit, John Taylor, Monarch, Vernon Vanderbilt, Quake, The Root and Vyle back. And we need them back fast, people. OR 2: We need to develop and push more and more undercard talent. Yes, nobodies, this is all obvious - but so are your mother's toupees, so shut it and listen. Sadly today's pickin's are slim. Freezer Burn? Red Dragon? Maxx Pain? Jason Thomason? Perhaps we can mash them all together in some sort of blender and come out with some excuse for a main eventer... CCW's hype and promotion of their new toy, Canadian Stampede Wrestling, has begun. What can you deaf mutes expect? All things Canadian for a start. Mounties and maple leafs and people with surnames like Sharp, Cage and Trepanier. What does this mean for GZW? Honestly, it's hard to tell. With a little gloryhog like Andrew Excelsior in charge, you can expect to see a CSW 'star' or two on our superior programming in the coming weeks and months. The rat bastard may even try his hand at some headhunting. As long as he steers well clear of the half dozen worthwhile boys and girls on the GZW roster, he's welcome to whatever he can get.
This company has always been about change and growth. We've seen it since the days of Nathan "T-Rex" Williams and Kage (a young Paul Spartan) vying for the top spot. Everything grows because eventually pro wrestling is about survival of the fittest (law of the trailer park, as you might know it). The World Heavyweight Champion needs to be constantly bettering himself, constantly improving...or else somebody better comes along and ousts him. It's that drive that keeps a promotion running on a healthy, day to day basis. So we've got Jon Kellar as our top man today. Has he grown, changed or improved lately? Well, sure. He got a new 'H' in his name. But just how far can the proverbial 'new H' take a man?  Kellar has been a steam engine since his debut in 2005 - constantly and consistently chugging along, moving up the card at a steady, solid pace. Now that he's at the top - almost by default at this point - what else can he do? He's got Kid Kaos on his ass, but what worthwhile Champion hasn't? You blind wankers don't see it, but Kellar is going to start to become more and more comfortable in his current position of power. It is so dangerous when an important and powerful person just kicks his feet up and takes a ride down easy street. Look at me, for Chrissakes: GZW's constant MVP, yet always on my feet. Always working hard. Always striving to improve (as if it's possible!) What about the Lord of the Coliseum, then? Who'll it be this year? Will Raide make a comeback and try to do what Taylor couldn't by taking the tournament twice? Will World Heavyweight Champion Jon Kellar do what Taylor and Raide have made the standard in defending his title throughout and coming out on top? What about Leon Taylor? Can the new kid on the block - after months of impressive, impressive stuff - solidify his place as a top-tier performer? What about Shane Ryder? Bane? Red X? Kid X? Kid Kaos? Will John Taylor or Deacon Kane make a comeback? Will I throw my hat in? We just can't know, folks! Gripping stuff, it's sure to be quite an event in any case!

My insight, as always, is top notch. But what I really want to discuss today is a lot more specific. And rather simple too, might I add! I'm talking about theme music. You know? That noise that occurs when Wrestler X steps out onto the stage for the world to see? Effective theme music becomes synonymous with the wrestler himself. (Or herself. Thanks, Kandi...) Done right, all it takes is the first few bars and you morons will chew it up like an underdone steak. Done poorly, or when changed too often it's detrimental to the wrestler and the wrestler's public image. Jason Thomason changes his name to "Big C" Jimmy Thomason or "Jason Country" Big Williams and changes his theme music too, people start to forget him! People start to think, "Who's this new clown?" and whatnot. It's a dangerous game, fiddling with theme songs. But do I "The Living Legend" Clancy "Monarch" McClean ever play a safe game when it's business time?

The answer you're looking (and panting, heaving and sweating) for is 'no'. As always, I like to save the best for first, so let's get right down to business shall we?

JUST BUSINESS, that is!

[Legendary Wrestling Personality] Clancy McClean
[Theme Music] "Money" by Pink Floyd
Is there anything that spells 'superstar' more than the opening sound effects of my legendary theme song? No matter where and no matter when, you know you're about to be entertained. I also take pride in the fact that by choosing this tune, I put a struggling English outfit (the Pink Floyds, I think they're called) on the map and last I heard they'd sold over 100 million albums worldwide. You just don't get more suitable than this in a theme song - I am money, literally and figuratively. In fact, they wrote this song specifically for me. Top drawer stuff.

[Wrestler] "Entertainment Franchise" Nathaniel Davis
[Theme Music] "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood & The Destroyers
First of all, since when is Davis bad, to the bone or otherwise? The man whose nickname might as well be 'Goody Two-Shoes' with an altogether unsuitable theme song...Sure, Davis has put in a lot of man hours so I'd be willing to forgive him for this...were it not for the fact that these rip-off merchants stole the classic riff from my old Poker buddy Muddy Waters' fabulous "Mannish Boy". Piss poor stuff altogether!

[Wrestler] James "Monarch" Corbin
[Theme Music] "Superbeast" by Rob Zombie
My own immense theme song excluded, it has been said that Monarch's music is the most recognisable in all of Combined Championship Wrestling. Probably because we hear it fifty times per show, but that's another story for another Just Business. Apt song, anyway. He's super, he's a bit of a beast. Though my unbeatable taste tells me not to give nu-metal the time of day, even I'll admit that this particular tune has a kick to it that really does roar "Monarch" at you. No problems here.


Rob Zombie/Monarch: A Match Made In Hell

[Wrestler] Zachary Sharp
[Theme Music] "Adrenaline" by Gavin Rossdale
Far too many theme songs in professional wrestling are generic production songs. This is no exception. However, for some inexplicable reason my better judgement takes a leave of absence when it comes to young Zac's theme. It's one of those bland, vague songs whose lyrics could apply to anything, and maybe that's why it works so well for "The Ace"?

[Wrestler] "Smooth Operator" Billy Bond
[Theme Music] "Smooth Operator" by Sade
Baby-making music if ever there was such a thing, this fit The Smooth One down to a 'T'. Interestingly enough, this is one of the most chilled-out songs used as theme music in the history of GZW2K1. It goes at its own pace and yet Smooth was as over as Becker (it got cancelled, obviously) in his heyday. It's as smooth as the silken toilet paper that only Donald Trump and myself can afford, top quality stuff. On both counts.

[Wrestler] "Lone Gunman" Lord John Taylor
[Theme Music] "Something To Lust About" by Scarlet
As obscure as you'll hear at a GZW2K1 event, this earache-inducing little grindcore number was actually quite fitting. Taylor was megalomaniacal and egomaniacal, and to look no further than the opening line - "I AM THE SAVIOUR OF ROCK N' ROLL" - you can get the idea of what this 'song' was all about. Dirty-sounding enough, too. Not a bad one by any means. Apart from the song itself, that is! Ho-ho!

[Wrestler] Sweet Cheapshots
[Theme Music] "Run Like Hell" by Pink Floyd
Nice to see these Pink Floyd people still getting work! Sweet Cheapshots - now a road agent - made his name through his name. He was exactly what he claimed to be. Sweet and cheap. Sure he was a great technical wrestler but like all the greats, he was too smart to actually bother wasting his time with technical ability. His theme music fits him like a XXXXL condom fits the C-Man for this reason: He was no stranger to eye-gouges, low-blows and hair-pulls. If he could, he'd pull a fast one and be done with you. But if not - and this is where my admiration comes from - he was smart enough not to try be a hero - he would, rather fittingly, run like hell. 

There you have it: A wide spectrum of theme songs from throughout the ages. And what've we learned today kids? Nu-metal blows? True. Grindcore isn't really music? True. But I like to think you've learned a lot more than that. You've learned what it's like to make love to a woman. What that first home-run in little leagues really feels like. Dare I say it...you've learned - if only for a moment - what it's like to be the Clance-daddy himsef? Nah, you probably haven't learned that at all. Forget it. Until next time, I've been Clancy McClean. You've been uneducated, poverty-stricken buffoons. The system works. Toodles! 

Clancy McClean's

famous last words

A round-up of everything else on the Director Of New Media's mind.

[GZW2K1 Booking] 
 On a slippery slope to shitsville. The sooner they give me the Head Booker slot, the better!

[The Roster]
It's a solid enough roster, lacking in certain key areas. Mainly, we lack pure star power. Kellar hasn't yet got the name value to truly carry the company on his shoulders, although he is by rights our top man. Our biggest star outside of CCW's four walls has got to be Leon Taylor, and he's been a sturdy InterContinental Champion. Zac Sharp has always relied on a strong(er) leading man (Smooth, Monarch, Spartan, etc.) in order to truly shine, and he quite clearly doesn't have that right now. Kid Kaos is perhaps the company's biggest star at this moment in time (after the Clance-Man, that is) but he hasn't really got that top-level experience to make anything of it alone. Those four men are as close to our Franchise Players as we can get for now. And what does that tell you? All of them are young. All have their obvious flaws and weaknesses. That's good and bad. On the plus side, there's four top guys that haven't even hit their prime that can be moulded and groomed and enjoy lengthy careers with us. They're the stars of today, but they'll definitely be the stars of tomorrow. The downside is that the rest of the roster is, on the whole, just as young and just as inexperienced. There are the exceptions like 50-year-old Burny Freezer and whatnot, but in general that's the way it is. Who are these rookies going to look up to? The youngsters with their flaws on their shirts. Learn by example and all of that. It could be catastrophic. What we're missing right now more than anything is experienced big-time players. Get a couple - or, ideally, a handful - in and then all the other little problems go away. How things shape up remains to be seen.

[GZW2K1 History] 
People often say I'm like a teacher to the youth of GZW2K1. Sometimes they even call me Professor McClean. What good a teacher would I be if I wasn't well versed in the history of GroundZero Wrestling 2K1? What good would I be if I didn't know the difference between Magic and Majick? That James "Monarch" Corbin - reigning Triple Crown Champion at the time - pulled out of the 2002 Lord of the Coliseum tournament which saw the ascension of Lord Deacon Kane? That Jason Machiavelli was the first Ring of Honor Icon and that everyone from a cameraman to Nathan Williams followed? That Clancy McClean is the best thing to ever happen to this company? I'll tell you what kind of teacher I'd be if I didn't know these things: I'd be the Chris Cairns or Seth Richards of education. History's always been important to this company, time and time again it is those competitors smart enough to look back at GZW history that avoid the mistakes made by those before them. They learn who to trust, what to do to get ahead, who to avoid, who to suck up to (me) and all that other good stuff. GZW2K1's history and a good knowledge of it is possibly the most important aspect of really 'making' it. Don't forget that, you creeps! 

[HKWF, UJW & CSW]
They've all got their strengths and weaknesses. Except CSW. CSW just plain sucks. I mean, Andrew Excelsior as figurehead? Puh-lease! HKWF is entertaining at the best of times but it's all about garbage wrestling. There's a reason a good promotion like GZW (uh, maybe bad example at this point in time, but like a Kodak DX360, you get the picture!) keeps the overly 'extreme' stuff on a tight leash. United Japan Wrestling has pure talent, but to the vast majority of the general public (you idiot fans) it tear-inducingly boring! Very few people want to sit and just watch a couple of Japanese guys (or GZW wash-ups) tangle on the mat for an hour without as much as a Todd Crumb "AAAAOW MAAA GAWD!" thrown in there. It's a double-edged sword, but at the best of times GZW has always been a successful cross between the two. And to reiterate: CSW blows.

[RoughKut Invitational Tournament 2005] 
Interesting stuff to say the least, folks! The competition came from far and wide - even a Frenchman showed up (and was promptly shown to the door by yours truly) - and varied in talent, ability and suckiness. It's hard to believe it was almost a year ago that it all happened, but I still remember it like it was yesterday! Whilst Vernon Vanderbilt was off galavanting with glorified developmental talent like Little Jim, Martial Law, Christian Monitero and a young(er) "Neon" Leon Taylor, I was putting in the man hours against competition so tough that they didn't even feel the need to cut promos! I tell you, luck was against me in this one. Actually, now that I think of it, one of them could talk: A young African-American fellow by the name of Dreadnaught. Apparently he was an old colleague of Vanderbilt's. Turns out he was quite a tough customer. The man, a self proclaimed 'thug' had the audacity to try and get me arrested with piss-poor video evidence of "Mr. Ethics" Clancy McClean ALLEDGEDLY doing something morally wrong. Thank God (that is, myself), I managed to turn it around and expose him for the closet millionaire that he ultimately was. It was a tough battle and all, but they don't call me "Wrestler of the Milennium" for nothing you know. Some ugliness came up just as I reached the quarter finals...I may have actually been pinned to the mat for three seconds during a momentary panic attack or something of that tragic nature. Unfortunately like all great tragedies - Macbeth comes to mind - the hero (me) died. Well, I just went home empty handed and got right on signing Leon Taylor to his billion-year contract with GZW, but still...Piss off!  

[The Fans] 
What can I say? Fans are stupid! Perhaps in no other field of sports or entertainment are the fans as fickle as in professional wrestling. Wave something shiny at them - a title belt, barbed wire, Clancy McClean - and they go nuts. Take that way and they give you - not me, obviously - the silent treatment. Of course, they put asses in seats, we do it for them and all that hyperbole. Fair enough, but what so irks me about the Nathan Williams' and Kid Kaos' of this world is that they think it's ALL about the fans. "I wouldn't be here without you," T-Rex would perhaps bark at a random audience in Backwater Assjuice, New Mexico. Is that a fact? What these misguided 'fan favourites' fail to see is that it is the fans - not the GZW2K1 Talent - that are replaceable. Well, maybe some talent could do with replacement but you get the idea. People say that without the fans, there wouldn't be a show. I say that's pure bulldust! Fans by definition need people to cheer/boo/insult or they just wouldn't be fans. They need Clancy McClean, Quake, Clancy McClean and whoever else or else they've got nothing. And do you know what nothing is? Nothing, that's what!

[HotWire Magazine]
Well I am HotWire Magazine's perpetual Man Of The Year, so obviously it holds a special place in my massive heart. It is a scientific fact, however, that HotWire just wouldn't be HotWire were it not for my fabulous and prolific column Just Business, so I guess I'll have to take most of the credit for the whole thing. Put simply, it's a quality publication.

[Lord of the Coliseum]
Pffft, if one more person asks me to enter this little tournament I may just have to win the darned thing! Lord Clancy McClean has a nice Lordly ring to it and all, but to be frank I don't need it. Look at the curse of the LotC for a startling statistic: Lord Deacon Kane wins the crown in '02, inactive a year later. Lord John Taylor, retires exactly a year after winning it. Lord Seth Raide, disappeared within a year. I don't know if this year's tournament will be any different but what I can safely say is this: If I entered, I'd win. Perhaps I'll give the 'workers' a year or two more before I stick my mighty beak in and humbly accept my lordship. You heard it here first, foghats: Clancy McClean will enter and win the Lord of the Coliseum...in a couple of years' time.

Au revoir, toilet-rolls!

- GZW2K1 FAN MAIL -
A selection of quick letters and e-mails from our fans across the globe...

Clancy McClean: A God in his own right.		 c o n t a c t d e t a i l s

HotWire Magazine
GroundZero Wrestling 2K1 Towers
Clancy McClean Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
AT21 666

[email protected]

What, exactly, do you do as GZW2K1's Director of New Media?

-          Philly, North Haverbrook

Clancy: Hmmm...A poor question to start things off. I'll tell you what, 'Philly', you run along and get yourself something vaguely resembling an actual human name and then I'll tell you all about it. 

After your stellar performance in the RoughKut tournament last year, have you any aspirations to step into a GZW ring?  

-          BonnieBilly69, Scotland

Clancy: Now there's a question. This kid acknowledges that there is praise to be given and he gives it. I like that in an adoring fan. The answer, unfortunately, is no. Oh, I'd like to alright. But you see, Bonnie, I'd have a dilemma. Everything I choose to do, I become the best at. Adversely (as you might say, 'on the other side of the haggis/kilt'), I'm a philanthropist. I'm a giving man and I'm a patron of pro-wrestling. I couldn't go around winning this title and that title with a clear conscience. I let the wrestlers do the wrestling, although we all know I could do it better than any of 'em. That's why Monarch was a Triple Crown Champion and Seth Raide became Lord of the Coliseum, obviously.  

How do you rate "Ultimatum" Jon H. Kellar as World Heavyweight Champion?

-          Jake A, Oxford

Clancy: He's Jon H. Kellar now? Neato. I've always had something of a soft spot for the kid, and I had him pegged before anybody as a future Champion (and the next Union Jack...), but even I'm man enough to admit that I didn't see that happening for a couple of years at least. He's a workhorse and a half and he deserves it, but c'mon - You know you're in trouble when your top man is a horse. And a half.

Where've you been for the last six months? What gives you the right to just show up when you feel like it?

-          Stephen, Ireland

Clancy: I'm sorry, Stevie, but that's two questions. You're disqualified. Thanks for your time! 

Are there any truth to the rumours that you've just accepted a massive pay decrease as a result of an ultimatum presented to you by the company after an independent audit of your New Media department revealed almost a year's worth of gross misuse of funds?

-          Ted, e-mail

Clancy: You people have been at those damn fan forums again, haven't you? I'll tell you, it brings a tear to my majestic eye to see this kind of bullplop paraded around as 'news'... Take this from a reputable reporter: Don't believe anything you read on that there internet. Except the stuff about Seth Richards and Cedric Southern's secret affair - that had photographic evidence!  

Have you and Chris Cairns put all the nastiness behind you, finally?

-          Christine, Manchester

Clancy: No. The guy is an ass. An unbearable ass. I want nothing more than to settle this like mature adults, and the sooner he shows his smelly little face on GZW TV the sooner we can do just that.  

Five Favourites

Five of Clancy's Favourite GZW Wrestlers...

[ "The Living Legend" Pimp Bizkit ]
Good, good guy. Great guy. In his prime Pimp was the hardest working man in GZW2K1...and that was over the course of several years! Pimp is what people in general should aspire to be - young, well-built, healthy, charismatic and - perhaps most imperatively - a friend of yours truly. Two runs as World Heavyweight Champion topped off this man's illustrious career, after several years of dominating the under- and mid-card scenes. One of the greats. 


Sharpe: Pick of the litter

[ "Buzzing" Electric Sharpe ]
The first and only Neophyte of the Year. Sharpe was my pick of the litter as far as the new breed went - back around the time of the Restart in 2004. For almost a year he was THE extreme wrestler in the company, often taking on the more hardcore HKWF talent and coming out on top. He became a posterboy for sick stunts and hard bumps, and tragically it was this that cut his promising career short. Perhaps we'll see this young trooper return one day and reach his potential. A true rookie with a bright future.

[ Lord Deacon Kane ]
Big, strong, scary and eerily smart. This monster of a man was built to be a champion. Easily the greatest big man in the history of the sport, old Deacon had it all. If he were still competing today, Jon Kellar would be nowhere near where he is right now, let me tell you.

[ Bane ]
Normally I'd have nothing to do with anything related to Piss "Chairs" Cairns, but for the Banester I'll make an exception. I'll say it right now, slags, Bane is quite possibly the most underrated and overlooked competitor in GZW history. He had all the potential in the world to be a 'funny' Deacon Kane or a 'good' Nathan "T-Rex" Williams, but sadly to date that hasn't quite come to fruition. Although currently inactive, Bane is one of perhaps three or four people on the roster that could legitimately headline a Pay-Per-View at this point.  


Quake: Hasty Rumours

[ Quake ]
Pure entertainment. A man after my own hilarious heart, Quake was the wrestler of 2005. That's why they gave him the trophy. Quite a feat considering he held only the W.C.E.K. TV title during that period - in effect telling you people (I already knew) that  he was better than even Lord Seth Raide at his prime. Once again, he's currently inactive, but rumours of a hasty return continue to circle. Let me tell you, the second the Quakester steps back into a GZW ring, the entire main event scene will be shaken completely. This man will be World Heavyweight Champion, and that's that.
[ Just the Facts ]


"Ten crucial facts about Clancy..."

1. Clancy has been voted HotWire Magazine's Man Of The Year for ten years now, a spectacular feat considering that the magazine has only been in print since 2001.

2. Clancy is the richest man that you'll ever hear of.

3. Clancy is very important and frequently has sexual intercourse with female celebrities and supermodels.

4. The role of Sam "Ace" Rothstein in Martin Scorcese's mob classic Casino was originally written for Clancy McClean. Clancy was busy at the time so Robert DeNiro was brought in as a replacement.

5. Clancy collects African art.

6. Clancy pities Chris Cairns for the fool that he is.

7. During his several year absence from GZW2K1 between 2001 and 2004, Clancy was NOT in prison for tax evasion. He was in fact knitting homes out of his chest hair for underprivileged children overseas.

8. Clancy was recently elected Emperor of his private island, Totalitaria. He now rules with an iron fist over a population of three (his gardener, his physical therapist and his secret son).

9. Clancy does NOT have a secret son.

10. You're an idiot.

[ What're The Chances?! ]

This week, Clancy will assess (in his expert opinion) the likelihood of certain inactive GZW2K1 wrestlers returning in the foreseeable future. On a scale of 1-10 (1 being least likely), Clancy digs deep.


Lord Deacon Kane: Gone but not forgotten

Lord Deacon Kane: Even his recent induction into the immortal Ring Of Honor (mine is just around the corner, I'm told) couldn't draw this beast out of hiding. This GZW2K1 Icon has apparently made his mind up and is sticking to it. Trust me when I say we've seen the last of the Ultimate Behemoth. What're The Chances? 0. 

Pimp Bizkit: We've heard the rumours. He's been talking to his delightfully pleasant Vice President of a sister, Angel Profit-Williams and the subject matter has been entirely top secret. What are we to assume other than that the two-time World Heavyweight Champion is in contract talks and that a big return is currently in the pipeline? Considering his connections and his high profile, a Pimp return is always just a phonecall away. Don't forget that. What're The Chances? 7.  

"Lone Gunman" Lord John Taylor: He promised us almost nine months ago that we wouldn't see him again for a "long, long time". In the fickle world of professional wrestling, how long do we reckon that'll be? To be honest (and I can be nothing but...), I expected Taylor to crack months ago and show up on some random show. Apparently he's stronger than that, but every man has his price (only the good ones like me to get to name their price, though), and apparently his has been met. Believe me, CCW would not be publishing anywhere near as much hype about Taylor's supposedly imminent return if there wasn't some substance to it. What're The Chances? 9. 


J-Mac: Annoying little runt

Jason "Fubu" Makavelli: Boy, I haven't thought about that annoying little runt (yes, I said 'runt') in quite some time. Considering  the fact that most of you idiots are probably confused enough as to who the hell the three GZW legends above are, you honestly won't give a shit about this little jerk. What're The Chances? Who cares! I'll say that it's not bloody likely, but anything can happen in GZW2K1, so: 5.

"The Menace" Union Jack: There's another one! The British Butcher was a defining competitor in GZW's early days. A member of the original Bad Company stable, he was a truly fierce standalone player (at one time proudly called "The Most Hated Man in GZW"). Sadly, he hasn't been heard from in several years and latest reports indicated that he'd retired totally and had settled down to married life, with a beautiful wife and kid. What a damn shame. What're The Chances? 2.

"Smooth Operator" Billy Bond: We wish. One of the company's true posterboys and an Icon in his own right, the Smoothster would make an excellent addition to any roster. Unfortunately, life in the limelight really got the better of him and at this point we'd be lucky to even hear the "Once and Future King" acknowledge GZW2K1 in between a couple of those films of his. He'd be ideal, but my analysis doesn't lie. What're The Chances? 0.

Reject: No.

William Black: Even moreso, NO.


Vanderbilt: Soily triumph

Vernon Vanderbilt: Good freakin' idea. After being ousted by GZW's new dominant shemale Leon Taylor, the boy essentially hopped on the first overseas tour that'd take him and we haven't heard from him since. Both sides would ultimately triumph were "The Furnace of Fabulosity" to return. As long as "Fake Clancy" is nowhere near him, I'm offically lobbying to get "The V" back on American soil, where he belongs! Once I'm on the case, you know it's inevitable! What're The Chances? 8.5.


PPV's of the Past

 Clancy remembers the good old days as he discusses Fallout: Collision Course

 

This was a classic and typical of the standard of GZW PPV in 2004. The company boasted a strong roster from top to bottom, with the likes of Justin Sharp, Sean Fiery, Nathan Williams, "Buzzing" Electric Sharpe, Kid Kaos, John Taylor, Paul Spartan and Pimp Bizkit active and on form, to name but a few. We also had two warring stables in the DisOrder and the Heretics. Things were good, yet in spite of the impeccable roster, the awful Tonya Glory was reigning World Heavyweight Champion. It saw the Final Encounter series between Sean Fiery and Nathan Williams, a feud years in the making and also saw a number of twists and turns that were the bread and butter of GZW2K1 at a time. Some of my highlights:

My client at the time Reject took on newcomer The Cursed Angel in a match that should be remembered only for my marvellous commentary at ringside. Reject would be gone within half a year, the Cursed Angel within half a minute. No big loss, folks!

The first and only Neophyte Of The Year tournament came to a most excellent conclusion as "Buzzing" Electric Sharpe and Kid Kaos went toe-to-toe in a fantastic ladder match that was - in hindsight - possibly the greatest match in the history of great matches. Sharpe came out on top after a beautiful and brutal showcase from both men - at the time the company's two hottest prospects. I'd sure love to see them go at it again someday...

Sean "Magic" Fiery versus Nathan "T-Rex" Williams - though spread over about ten matches throughout the show - served as a needed reminder that GZW's old guard could still 'go' when needed to. They're both attention-seeking jerks and all, but credit where it's due and all that crap.

In another call-back to the olden days, "The First" Paul Spartan defeated Zachary Sharp in a rather captivating L.A. Street Fight. Long-standing rivalry? Check. Good heat for both? Check. Violence, blood and guts? Check, check, check. This one was textbook.

The night's big shock led to a complete restructure of the scheduled main event. Originally, we were set to see "Lone Gunman" John Taylor take on James Tanner in singles competition, with Pimp Bizkit to challenge Tonya Glory for her World Heavyweight Championship afterwards. Paul Spartan and his DisOrder cohorts intervened when they gave Tonya Glory a well-needed kick up the ass (and several to the face and body) which left her out of action and left the bookers with no choice but to vacate her title. As such a triple threat match was quickly signed to decide a new champion straight away: Tanner vs. Taylor vs. Pimp.

In the end, it was John Taylor's night as he rather cheaply went after James Tanner rather than "The Big Cahuna" Pimp Bizkit. Through no fault of his own, Pimp was forced to watch as Taylor got a cowardly pin on Tanner to take home the title that he wasn't even scheduled to be competing for an hour previously. This marked the beginning of Taylor's first title reign and another key moment in his long-term rivalry with Pimp Bizkit.

All in all, this was a big, big event. Quality wrestling, garbage wrestling, interesting storylines, backstage controversy and - lest we forget - a lot of Clancy McClean. Definitely one for the ages.

View the show here.

[ Top 5 Wastes Of GZW2K1 Capital ]


Cairns: Just typical

Waste: Chris Cairns.
Reason: Contractual dispute? Pffft. Don't give the monobrowed baby what he wants, GZW2K1 - Cut his stubby little feet out from underneath him! Get rid of this wage-hog while you still can. Let me tell you, there's no dispute once the contract is cremated and the remains are shipped directly to Azerbaijan to feed a poor farming family for the next fifty years.

Waste: Zachary Sharp.
Reason: The kid makes more money than any other two active competitors put together...and the little bastard doesn't even do anything! At least his brother was interesting, even if he liked to snooze through PPV Main Events back in the day. Basically, stick this fellow in a couple of high profile dream matches and then be done with him. Or you could always give him a normal contract and let him go at it with Burny Freezer et al on a regular basis...

Waste: Shane Ryder.
Reason: Not even Icon SINCERE was worthwhile as Deputy Commissioner, and here's why: It's not a real job! C'mon, it's the exact antithesis of corporate streamlining! It makes no sense. This boring little person doesn't do a tap (not that his boring hot superior Devotion does either) and gets paid through the roof for it. The only person in GZW2K1 that can pull that off is Clancy McClean, folks. Remember that.  

Waste: Andrew Excelsior.
Reason: Okay, so he's not exactly on the GZW payroll, but CSW's new figurehead is a jerk, pure and simple. Solution: Death by triads. 


Richards: Convicted sex offender

Waste: Seth Richards.
Reason: The single worst President in GZW2K1 history. Even Samuel Knight, the one that was both in a wheelchair AND that let Maxx Pain become World Heavyweight Champion was better.  That is really saying something, morons. When's the last time you saw this clown on GZW TV? When's the last time you heard of some great decision that this joker made that had a great effect on the day-to-day running of the company (that being his job and all...)? Never, that's when! Under this man's rule we have seen the retirements of Pimp Bizkit, Lord John Taylor, Sean Fiery, Nathan Williams (well, okay, that was a good move), "Buzzing" Electric Sharpe, Paul Spartan, etc. etc. The list is endless, fools. So is this man's salary. If I were to tell you exactly how much this total waste earns (by the minute), there's a 50% chance that 90% of you would actually die on the spot. Get rid of this man, NOW!

Product Review w/ Clancy McClean

[GZW2K1 Early Days/Latter Days DVD Box Set] 
This is a quality product. I'd know, what with my department being responsible for its production and whatnot, but I speak the truth. Five discs (2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005) make for some very interesting viewing. With over 900 hours of viewing time, I dare say that this collection is the most intensive and thorough of its kind, anywhere! I particularly liked some of the special features on there - Union Jack and Pimp Bizkit in a friendly slanging match; an insider look on exactly why Jason Thomason/Jimmy Williams/Big Country has changed his name so much; Shane Hennessy on New Xperience and what went wrong and even a special look on the diversity of GZW talent over the years - "Girly Men and Manly Girls". Top quality.
Clancy�s verdict: 5/5  

["Hairy Willie" - The Autobiography of Willie Haire]
Pointless and hardly legible. A disaster of a product. One of the company's more forgettable developmental stars writes at length in a bastard cross of Irish, English and bad squiggles about his career, the history of tillage farming in Ireland and what he sees wrong with modern irrigation systems. An ugly read for all the wrong reasons, I actually cannot believe this company licensed such an atrocity. Ridiculously, somehow, it's reached number two on the New York Times bestseller list. AVOID THIS BOOK!  
Clancy�s verdict: 0.01/5  

[House Of HKWF - Video Game]
Available on all major consoles, this is a decent effort. Considering that this is the first officialy licensed game to come from the Hong Kong promotion, THQ have done a good job. Although it's got essentially the same engine as most of the more recent GZW releases, the added hardcore elements (most notably the eponymous House Of HKWF match) make this worth a look. A nice feature (exclusive to XBOX 360, mind you) is the option to synchronize your saved game (including records, champions and roster) with GZW2K1's Lord Of The Coliseum game. Using Head Booker mode you can effectively oversee both promotions, which makes for some very exciting dream matches, let me tell you! It's a rough game. It has it's faults, but it's a nice way to introduce HKWF into the market. 
Clancy�s verdict: 3.75/5  

[Smooth/Deacon: To End All Wars DVD]
This is the first of a series of DVD specials documenting several landmark feuds in the annals of GZW history (obviously titled To End All Wars). Where better to start than perhaps the greatest one? "Smooth Operator" Billy Bond and "The Wicked One" Deacon Kane carried each other (and arguably the entire company) for much of 2001 and 2002. This DVD features a timeline of all the ups and downs of this turbulent affair and features every single one of their clashes in the ring. A fine product, but it doesn't exactly reach outside the box. Everything here has been shown on GZW TV (on some occasions more than once) and there are no true special features to speak of. Even still, it's a quality disc and one that no self-respecting fan would do without. Good thing I don't see any of those around, eh?
Clancy's verdict: 4/5  

[Just Business: Greatest Hits CD]
This, you sweat patch, is a chart blockbuster in the making. As if regular old Just Business wasn't enough (a laughable thought), this 2-disc set sees little old me reading aloud some of my more witty and excellent lines from my most witty and excellent column. I was sad to have to whittle it down to the bare minimum of 3,943 quotes, but you have to make sacrifices in the industry. Interesting bonus fact: This was recorded at a hospital for deaf children, and for each CD sold (priced at a mere $27.50), 2% of the proceeds will go directly to that hospital. It's a worthwhile buy, folks. Christmas, Easter, Weddings, Birthdays, you name it. Buy one for someone special today.  
Clancy's verdict: 10/5

 
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