The Southern Vampire Novels

I don’t know about you, but when I think of southern vampires, I think of Louis from the Anne Rice “books.” So that’s -5 points right off the top for the poorly thought-out series name. But make no mistake—these books are far superior to The Vampire Chronicles (although that’s not exactly hard) (1): they’re intentionally funny, unlike Ms. Rice’s collected works, and they feature a smart, upbeat heroine by the name of Sookie Stackhouse. Sookie, despite her idiotic name and bimbo bod (Ms. Harris takes care to point out how hot our Sookie is at least once every 5 pages), is far from your typical damsel in distress: she’s a telepath who uses her gift (or “disability,” as she prefers to call it) to solve crimes, she’s pretty sexually liberated (although sometimes it seems like she’ll screw anything that breathes—and some things that don’t), and she’s cute without being cloying. Refreshingly, Sookie doesn’t have as many moments of “Duh, dumbass! That’s the villain you’re driving off in the car with!” as the heroines in other romance novels do, and when she gets tricked, it’s believable. The novels typically revolve around Sookie, her relationship with her boyfriend, Vampire Bill (2) (whom she loves primarily because she can’t hear his thoughts), whatever mystery needs solving, and the wider world that Harris is developing book by book.

It’s that wider world that makes these books truly worth reading. Sure, the novels are funny, but then a lot of novels are funny; however, not many books feature ad slogans for synthetic blood, vampires who claim they were created by a virus (although as the series progresses, that theory appears less and less credible), an explanation for all those Elvis sightings that will make any reader pee her pants, and an airline called Anubis that caters specifically to the undead (3). Every few pages, Harris mentions a new aspect of Sookie’s universe that is side-splittingly funny; and although the books are on the light and fluffy side, they have the potential to become more meaningful. As Sookie gets more and more involved in the supernatural world, thanks to her involvement with Bill and his undead pals, she begins to explore her own supernatural side—what she considers the “uncivilized” part of her. In the first book, Sookie behaves like a normal member of human society, making decisions based on human morality and customs; but as the series moves forward, she begins acting on instinct more and more, which understandably frightens her (4). She’s always ambivalent about her relationship with Bill, not sure that she wants to be with a man whose morals are so different from her own—and she becomes even more ambivalent once she realizes that she and Bill may not be as different as she originally thought. It’s interesting to watch this gradual change in her attitude, and I hope that Harris delves into it a bit more in her next book.

I pimp these books because of their humor, the interesting world they introduced me to, and their potential, but they are not completely squee-worthy (5). Sookie has an annoying habit of constantly mentioning that she didn’t date until she met Bill—and an even more annoying habit of saying that it’s because she can read men’s minds, not because she’s a dog. As she says on the first page of the first book, Dead Until Dark: “You can tell that I don’t get out much. And it’s not because I’m not pretty. I am.” She says this over and over and over and over and over and over and…yeah, over. So, Sookie, it would be okay for guys to ignore you if you weren’t pretty? Because I’ve gotta tell you—that’s not terribly feminist of you. Or terribly realistic, considering the amount of plain and/or ugly girls who manage to get dates.

I also have to protest because Harris misused my first name horribly. There’s this character in the third book named Debbie who is a total wench, and I want to know what’s up with that. Why are women named Debbie always evil and/or stupid in fiction? I mean, first there’s that chick in third season Buffy who was murdered by her boyfriend, and now this. There are probably literally hundreds of fictional characters running around with my name, totally fucking it up, without me even knowing. Writers don’t do that to girls named, I dunno, Kate or Jody—so why do it to poor defenseless me? This has to stop, people; I don’t appreciate it at all. Next time you need to name some dumb bitch character, call her Yasmine or Vicki or Gwen or something—just not Debbie, for God’s sake (6).

In addition to Sookie’s annoying insistence that she’s pretty and my hang-ups about my name being used for evil, the books also have a central flaw that cannot be ignored. Sookie’s boyfriend Bill…blows. He’s a flat character, which is bad enough, but the real problem is that his relationship with Sookie is disturbingly violent. He’s good at introducing Sookie to the supernatural world, and good at steaming up the car windows with her, if you get my drift, but he’s not good for much else besides putting Sookie into situations where she gets the crap beaten out of her (or where he beats the crap out of her himself). Fortunately, Sookie doesn’t put up with that sort of thing willingly—she’s forever putting their relationship on “hiatus”—but what’s creepy is that she always goes back for more. I keep reading these books because Sookie has many, many secondary love interests who are seriously adorable; also, with the way Bill is written, it’s entirely possible that Harris might decide to drop him and put someone else in his place. These are Sookie’s books, dammit, not Sookie and Bill’s. I hope that Harris realizes that, and ends their “love” affair.

I pimp this, but with certain reservations.

(1) Cue burning hatred from the black-lace-and-eyeliner crowd. We tremble, we assure you.

(2) “The Vampire Bill.” How intimidating is that? After the Dread Beast of the Pit, Eddie, and the Fetid Sewer Crawler Jim, the Vampire Bill is at the top of our list.*

*I think that was kind of the point—these books are supposed to be funny. And very few things are funnier than a vampire named Bill. Okay, maybe a vampire named Bob would be funnier, but that would just be playing to those jerks who buy the “No parking except for Bob” signs.

(3) I thought Delta did that.

(6)Yasmine is the name of an exotic seductress, Vicki is a cheerleader, and Gwen has a great and mysterious secret. It’s a well-established fact that Debbies are evil. I know who ate the last of the ice cream.**

**And I know who stole my Ballerina Barbie. Betcha didn’t want them to know about that one, hmmm?

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