For most recent prayers, click here

Dear God,
I am trapped in the middle of Wal-Mart. I know that it was foolish of me to venture into this den of mass-produced sin, but I needed potholders in the worst way (it’s hard to be pious when your hands are burned all to hell—I mean, heck). Please, God, forgive me for my weakness and get me out of here without being crushed to death during a stampede by my fellow customers. And while you’re at it, could you make the potholders half off? I’m on a budget here. Thanks, God.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
There is a big test today. I know nothing. My mind is like a blank slate, awaiting the stroke of your divine chalk (heh, chalk sounds like cock. Heh. Jesus—I did not just think that! Awww, f@%!). I know that I have done little or nothing to do deserve it but…please, save my ass.
Sincerely, Debbie

Dear God,
Over these last few months, I have gained a considerable amount of weight. Please God…could you find it in your heart to make everyone on Earth fatter than me? Dieting is such a drag.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
Can I amend that to “please make everyone on Earth except Ewan MacGregor fatter than me?” Ewan looks good just the way he is. Plus…can you make him my willing love slave? Thanks!
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
I know that I commit the horrible and grievous sin of talking really loudly to my friends whenever I go to the movie theater but…I’m a special case, aren’t I? I mean, I’m really a nice person, unlike these annoying little preteens. Smite them, God! Please, smite them!
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
And while you’re smiting them, could you lower the price of popcorn? I’m on a budget, you know.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
They preempted Angel again. Please, kill everyone at the WB as a lesson to all TV executives.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
Is it wrong for me to covet my neighbor’s lawn ornaments? Her pink flamingos are so…perky.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
On that note, is it wrong for me to covet my neighbor, considering the fact that she’s female? Crazy Bob the screaming prophet said you had a problem with that—and that ants would take over the world in 2012. By the way, is it true about the ants?
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
Today, when my classmate Jeff commented on my pink flamingos, I hit him really hard and called him an asshole. My other male classmates told me that I totally overreacted. God—please tell me that all of these boys will at some point in their lives lose their precious testicles? That would be quite spiritually uplifting.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
I know that Walmart is inherently evil but…any place that sells copies of Dogma for six bucks can’t be all bad, can it?
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
When I said Dogma, what I actually meant was Left Behind: Whatever Crazy-Ass Sexist Shit Tim Lehaye Is Trying to Push This Time. I’ve never seen Dogma! I don’t even know why I thought of that name! Really—I’m not lying to my Maker! Not at all!

Aw, fuck.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Oh most mighty of mighties, smite not this pathetic sleep-deprived wreck of a human being. Smite instead the rat-bastard with the droning voice and eight a.m. class period. Also smite his damned dimmed lights.
Eric

Most high, please grant me your strength, wisdom, and infinite patience. I’ll need all three to understand why people keep trying to barge in on my shower. Am I inflicting such lustful thoughts upon them? Is the thought of my pasty, doughy body driving them to hedonistic madness? I can’t see any other reason than trying to catch me naked. After all, if they only need to use the bathroom, then there are two others down the hall.
Eric

God, please let me know more than my classmates. I know that you’re not too big into divinely inspired knowledge anymore, so can you just make everyone else stupider? Sorta like a divine Must-See TV hour?
Eric
P.S. Can you do the instructor, too?

Oh most holy of holies, give me the strength to endure, the wisdom to understand, and the rectal fortitude to withstand the ass-reaming that the calc exam is going to give me this afternoon. We're doing intergrals.
Eric

Dear God,
Would you mind terribly if you gave me ultimate power for awhile? There are a few atroc—er, reforms that I think need doing.
Eric

Dear God,
Thanks for barbeque.
That is all.
Eric

Dear God,
I just wanted to thank you for always listening. You never turn me away, and you never ignore me, even if you don’t give me exactly what I want. You’re always there for me to talk to, though you don’t always respond in ways that we can here.

That said, could you explain that to the nice gentleman with the medical degrees? This strait jacket is itchy.
Eric

Dear God,
Please soften the hearts of my non-existent readers, so that they might forgive me for not updating on time. I’m really very busy, and none of them has reached into their theoretical wallets to make me work faster.
Wait—whaddya mean that’s gree—ZZZZT!!!

Dear God,
Can you please explain to me why you made me straight? And why you made every man on earth a shit-eating bastard? This whole arrangement is so not working out for me here.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Dear God,
Can you please remove the male gender from the face of the earth? I know that not every man is a bastard, but I don’t have time to separate the wheat from the chaff--that could take…a really long time. So, um, could you just kill ‘em all and then sort them out later? You’re probably really good at sorting--you created UPS, right?
Oh, and I know that my brother is gonna be seriously bummed about being dead. Can you make him a saint or something to cheer him up? Thanks. Sincerely, Debbie

Dear God,
My sister seems to be having trouble with the male gender. As she is undoubtedly going to do something drastic and probably quite final to the lot of us, could you let me destroy the world first? It’s always been a dream of mine, but it seems like I won’t get the chance now. I’ll only destroy it a little bit, I promise.
Thanks,
Eric

P.S. I thought Satan created UPS.
P.P.S. Saints are boring. Can you make me Death? The other guy must need a vacation by now.

All writing (c) Deborah and Eric Signorile. Steal it, and God will bitch slap the hell out of you.