Alex & Emma

I’ve come up with an alternate title for this movie: “I paid seven bucks for what?”

This film has a cute premise: a writer (Alex) dictates his book to a stenographer (Emma), and we the viewers get to see his novel take shape as he and his scribe fall in luuuuurve (1). It’s cute, but the writing just isn’t there in the first act; I get the feeling that I’m supposed to laugh at some of the scenes, but I have absolutely no idea why I should. Also, the screenwriter’s claim that that Alex is a brilliant writer is really insulting. Alex is a hack (2)—you cannot write the words “ample bosom” without being a hack (unless, of course, you’re being ironic). It would be much more plausible if they’d claimed that Alex was simply a best-selling author, which would have explained his exorbitant advance (he gets $100,000 for an artsy book? My ass he does!) (3)

Despite the craptasticness of the first part of the film, things do pick up later on. There are a couple of really cute running gags, and although I hate Kate Hudson with a fiery passion, I have to admit that she’s a good actress: her Emma is wondrously bitchy, and I love her with all my heart. Luke Wilson is a total blank as Alex, but when he plays the main character in Alex’s novel he’s a complete scream. He never loses his composure, no matter what insane plot twist Alex throws at him: he even manages to be deadly serious while conducting a business deal on the dance floor—the flamenco dance floor. I can’t tell if Wilson is very talented, or just so wooden (4) that he’s genuinely unmoved by everything that’s happening around him. Either way, he’s very good in the scenes from the book. But he sucks everywhere else.

I could see renting this on video, because it does amuse for the last hour or so. However, most of the fond memories I have of my viewing it don’t involve me actually viewing it at all. I had a great time catching up with my friend Amber while the film was playing (don’t worry, we whispered. Mostly), and there was that hilarious moment before we went into the theater when my friend Brandy snuck up beside me and banged her metal lunchbox right in my ear. I only peed myself a little bit, really (5). But if I had gone to see this flick by myself, I would have felt robbed. I would have felt used. I would have felt the need to stay in the movie theater and watch another film (6) for free, just to get my revenge.

(1) That sounded suspicious. Are you sure that there aren’t gastric parasites involved?*

*The hell?

(2) Sorta like us, only not.

(3) “The Ass, a Study”. I smell a best seller coming from this . . .

**I'm not going to go for the obvious joke here; unlike you, I have standards.

(4) Mahogany, to be precise.***

***See above regarding standards.

(5) Cleanup, aisle four.

(6) “Film” isn’t the kind of word typically used to describe Alex & Emma. I believe the proper nomenclature is “over-priced piece of offal,” or perhaps “chick-flick.”****

****I think I’m going to go with the old standby: “Oh yeah!” I might follow it up with “booyah,” or perhaps “yo mama.” There’s a world of pathetic comebacks out there, and it is my oyster.