(A paradoy of Their Eyes Were Watching God [a story about a guy named Tea Cake])
Dreams. Men and women have different types of them; dreams make the difference. It would seem
as if men chase dreams and women live dreams. But nobody cares, because dreams are just neural
anomalies during REM sleep.
Jeb walked by his older brother, Tea Cake, who was, for some strange reason, masticating upon
his favorite snack. �Sup my nizzle?� Jeb inquired.
�Man, dude, shutup. We�re white. Totally.� Tea Cake retorted.
�You ain�t, and I�m your bro fo shizzle.�
�Dude, like, that�s just cuz I like, got this rad gangsta name.�
Actually, Jeb was white and TC was black. Their parents got them off a game show called �Wheel
of PEOPLE!� But TC was retarded and so he talks like a white person. Jeb was half Icelandic and
half Irish, so he was as white as white could be. However, he flew off the wheel and landed on
his head. Ever since the Wheel Incident of �24, he thought he was an African American.
�Jeb, we don�t totally like you. Go, like, away dude.� TC said. So Jeb packed a thing of soda
and some old musty biscuits, hopped on his ghetto moped and zoomed off towards the setting sun.
Then he ran into a tree and was thrown into the street. His moped exploded in a fiery ball of
death. �Dammit Jeb! You haven�t even made it to the gate, you crackhead!�
Part II
Since Jeb was only three-fourths as retarded as TC, he took his soda and his biscuits and
constructed a new moped. He drove it to Georgia, where he promptly earned the nickname
�Fruitcake� because of his moped. This name hurt his feelings, so he unofficially changed it to
�Soda Biscuit,� for no apparent reason.
He made his way to Alabama, where he saw a house. Next to the house was a gigantic pear tree.
He licked his lips. He hadn�t eaten anything since he left his house four months ago.
Stealthily, he crept up to the tree, and climbed to the highest branch. �Finally! Food!� he
thought to himself as he spotted the luscious piece of breakfast he was about to consume. Like a
blue belt, he struck out and grabbed the bird, and gnawed on it hungrily. He spit out the bones.
From below the tree came a blood-curdling howl of anguish.
He looked downward to see a girl with a bird femur lodged in her forehead. She was screaming
and clutching the wound, which was spurting blood. He looked around helplessly, not knowing what
to do. Suddenly, he realized there was only ONE LOGICAL SOLUTION. So he climbed down the tree
raped her with gusto. Then she died and he stuffed her body into a hole in the tree.
An old woman came out of the house. He shot her glasses off with his Nerf Gun so she couldn�t
see. �That you, Janie? Wut wuz dat dere screeemin�?� She said.
�Yes, dat�s me. I wuz just practicin� mah matin� call, granmah.�
�Oh, awight den. Hey, I want yuh to marry mah friend.�
�I hope dey hot.�
�Oh he hot awight.�
Since no one really understands this dialect, Soda Biscuit thought he was getting a hot mama
cita. Nanny thought Soda Biscuit was her beloved daughter, Janie. Meanwhile, TC was having bad
dreams in which rabid animals feast upon his flesh. But nobody cared. Soda Biscuit married Logan
Killicks in a Hutu Temple. When they found out they were both men, and legally bound in the
state of Alabama, and the nation of Ethiopia, they beat Nanny to death with metallic folding
chairs. They sold her body on Ebay� and used the money to buy a quaint little cottage in the
countryside.
Part III
�Hey kid, how come yuh don� work no mo�?� Logan asked one morning.
�Cuz I wanna bee fo� mah bud, a field o� flowers to play in, an� a nice bloomin spring rose tuh
pollinate.� Soda Biscuit answered.
�Whats all dat shiznit mean?�
�I dunno, but I�m runnin� away as soon as you not lookin�.�
�K.�
For Soda Biscuit had been flirting with the local heroine addict, Jody Starks. Jody wanted to
create a town for gangsta rappers to bust their phat rhymes in. One day, in them idst of her
chemical-induced high, Jody ate Soda Biscuit�s moped. The sight was so sensually steamy that
Soda had fallen in love with her.
And, indeed, when Logan turned his head, Soda ran off down the road with the velocity of a
speeding goat. He hooked up with Jody a little ways down the road, which was paved with annoying
yellow bricks. Some midgets popped out of the bushes and said something about lollipops. It was
obviously an ambush. Soda Biscuit assumed the fetal position while Jody drew her long syringes
from their holsters. �It�s go time,� she said.
A midget took out a balloon and inhaled all the helium. Now they were lethal. Their eyes
locked, each preparing themselves for the epic battle ahead. The midget captain�s leg muscles
tensed, ready to pounce. Jody saw her opportunity and lunged. (cue techno music). She buried the
needle deep into the midget�s skull, injecting enough heroine to kill an elephant and two
platapusses. As the midget captain fell to the ground, his men sprung into action. They had
drawn gigantic lollipops from sheaths on their backs, and were bashing Jody�s face in.
Soda Biscuit took a bottle of soda, shook it up vigorously, and threw it into the battle scene.
(cue techno climax). The soda erupted at 952 psi, instantly killing all but one midget with the
plastic fragments. Jody jumped into the air, twisting her body around to avoid the soda-grenade.
She landed gracefully. (end techno music). �I�ll get you freaks of nature; this isn�t the last
of the Lollipop Guild,� squeaked the last munchkin, whose name tag read �Quincy.� He scampered
off into the forest. Jody and Soda Biscuit climbed into a wagon he had carved out of a log and
rode off to Eatenville�. Little did they know, Tea Cake had recently joined the Lollipop Guild,
and Quincy was planning to use him for revenge�
Part IV
So it came to be that they lived in Eatenville for fifteen years. And despite Jody�s promise of
being �treated like a lady ought to be,� Soda Biscuit was treated like a man. �How come yuh don�
let me bust mah phat rhymes lak everyone else, baby?� Soda Biscuit inquired one day.
�Cuz you is white,� Jody replied.
�Aw, aw, Ah�m colored!�
�I wouldn�t know, I�m high.�
There came an auspicious knock at the door. When Soda Biscuit opened it, he was face to face
with Tea Cake, an ominous dread lurking on his face. �Soda, man, I came to warn you dude,
there�s a �″ T.C. started to say, but a lollipop had just been hurled through his back and
was now protruding out of his chest. Soda licked the lollipop. Yep � cherry. Tea Cake�s body
crumpled, revealing Quincy. At Quincy�s side was an undead black girl with leaves growing out of
her facial orifices. �The dryads of the pear tree revived me, granting me botanical powers to
avenge my freakishly untimely death,� she hissed in a tree-like voice.
�It�s all good,� replied Soda, optimistically.
�Biatch!� Howled Captain Vegetation, aka Janie, as she took out her Whirling Pinecones of
Certain Death and promptly struck him on the temple. Jody had a seizure and died.
A man in a pink tutu and a Mohawk stepped up beside Janie as Soda Biscuit�s vision went dark.
No, he wasn�t going unconscious, he just put on his pimpin� shades. Janie whacked him on the
temple again, but it was the wrong temple. Duh. The man grabbed her arm and said in a facetious
voice �Pour le voi du chardonoir.� Soda Biscuit did a quick Google� search and found out the
guy�s name.
Part V
It was Vin Foufou III.
Part VI
He was a Frenchman who liked to speak English. �Janie, my dear, lock this poor man up so we can
kill him with my secret weapon later,� he said.
�But I dun� wanna die!� Exclaimed Soda Biscuit.
�Don�t raise your voice near Vin, he�ll �″ Janie started to say, but Vin had already been
upset.
�No! Please don�t hurt me! I surrender!� He screamed at the top of his lungs, spit flying into
Soda Biscuit�s eyeballs.
�Now see, I gotta go put him through rehab again, but we�ll be back for you,� Janie barked. Get
it? Barked, she�s Captain Botany; trees� get it? Screw you, it was funny. Anyways, Quincy
decided to stop fighting. All he ever wanted to do was move to Montana and raise Alpacas, on
his own, peacefully.
Soda Biscuit knew what he was up against now, so before he left, he constructed his own secret
weapon. Behold! The �Uber L337 Atomic Dreaded Fatal Evil Sinister Hellish Hated Cursed Deadly
Rail Gun of Mortal Wounding and Eternal Doom!� Then he lost it. So, he hopped in his ghetto
log-wagon and rode off towards Florida. When arrived, he married the first person he saw. She
was a hobo and stole his money to buy a Mandolin. Then stuff happened. He was waiting for
Captain Botany and Vin FouFou III to return. Little did he know, they had reformed and opened up
a dot-com business selling women�s underwear and were doing quite well for themselves.
Soda and his wife planted some pizza seeds in the mud, and began harvesting the culinary slices
of heaven voraciously. Her name was Hr�lkk the Masher: she was a Bulgarian refugee. She wore
overalls and played �Old MacDonald� on her mandolin all day while Soda harvested his gourmet
delicacies. He used the money to buy his father some nice Nikes hot off the shelf. When his
beloved Hr�lkk the Masher asked why, he replied: �Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.� She didn�t
get it. If anybody thought it was funny, I will rip out your arteries while you sleep.
One day in the field, Soda�s eight IQ points started tingling. So he bounced across his Pizza
Plantation� to his dear wife. What he saw, he will never forget. (Because he snapped a photo.)
Some fat little bastard was flirting with his wife! He read the miniscule lump of lard�s name
tag.
Part VII
�Quincy,� he snarled, voice dripping with malice. Quincy became so excited, he started humping
Hr�lkk the Masher�s leg. This was too far. Hr�lkk the Masher bit Quicny�s head off. And, as if
on cue, the YMCA song started playing. The Village People drove up and warned the lovebirds (and
the decapitated, obese munchkin) that a mighty blizzard was on the way. Then the Village People
drove off towards the setting sun, heading for higher ground. Then they ran headfirst into a
truck coming the other way. The ground shook with the force of the impact. Four days later, when
the Village People stopped screaming from under the twisted burning wreckage, Hr�lkk the Masher
(in her infinite wisdom) said, �Dah, wallapoofundoreebeetahblahnyahspeekle.�
�Yeah, me too,� said Soda Biscuit, who had just realized he was possibly the whitest living
organism on Earth. �Let�s go to higher ground before the blizzard gets here.�
And so they traveled. They traveled. Traveled they. Yeht delevart. Awesome. They traveled to
Russia, Germany, Hawaii, my grandma�s house, Africa, Japan, and wound up back in Florida. �Aw,
shoot,� they said in unison. The blizzard descended upon them like a carnivorous beast upon a
steaming carcass in the middle of the road. It ripped apart houses and froze townsfolk to such a
degree the likes of which mortal man cannot fathom. It leveled whole blocks, killed billions of
innocent children, and caused enough damage to drain America�s treasury.
But the most tragic thing of all was Hr�lkk the Masher�s downfall. The blizzard had started in
Canada, where it picked up certain furry creatures in its 500+ mph winds. And now, in
Tallahassee, Florida, the blizzard hurled a rabid lemming into Hr�lkk the Masher�s face. The
disgruntled rodent chewed it completely off before it was swept back into the howling vortex of
terror. Soda capped her in the head with an Uzi when he viewed her faceless hideousness. She
died foaming at the mouth and grunting.
Part VIII
After a couple of minutes, the blizzard blew over and life returned to normal. Soda Biscuit
returned home to Eatenville, which had been eaten. What are the odds? He laid there and thought
deeply about what he had learned. He now understood life, and the meaning of true love. He saw
the way to end world hunger, to get rid of poverty� (cue mushy music)� He knew how to have
nations peacefully coexist with each other in a world without violence for all eternity. He knew
how to ensure blissful democracy and a simple, passive life for his children. He even figured
out how to easily achieve immortality. Yes, forests will grow, and the people of the earth will
live in harmony forever!
Part IX
Then he forgot. The end.