After school I work at a grocery store called Fry's. I am a Courtesy Clerk, meaning I bag, gather carts from the lot, and do all the dirty work around the store. CC's get the lowest pay of all employees. But this is my DREAM:
Customer: Could you bag this for me?
Me: You have arms, you do it.
Customer: But it's your job!
Me: It's a useless job I have to do. Besides, you customers never like the way we bag anyways. You always get so picky that it would be much faster to do it yourselves.
Customer: Well, could you just put everything in double paper bags?
Me: WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?! It's not like the items you have can rip through the plastic bags, weak as they are. Besides, even if the items we DID sell had the potential to go through your plastic bag, you're just taking it out to your car. If you're not one of the many people who parked IMMEDIATELY outside the store, in the fire zone, then you only have to walk 50 more feet to get to your car. We don't have a large parking lot. And once in your car, the items will not spontaneously rip through the bag and go all over the place unless you get into an accident.
Customer: But I don't trust the plastic. Look, my pineapple could rip through the plastic.
Me: Fine, but then you'd only need one paper bag. Paper bags are slow to use in a store where I'm trying to be fast, and they give me paper cuts. Using two paper bags is 6 times the cost of one plastic bag. And we do not sell hatchets here... nothing is gonna go through the first paper bag.
Customer: But I have cold items and I have a long way to drive. The double paper provides sufficient insulation to keep it cold.
Me: YOU IDIOT! Use air conditioning, first of all. Sheesh. Second of all, notice how bags are OPEN at the top. Meaning all the cold will magically rush out if i put a wool jacket around the bags for insulation. Therefore, I will put these items in one plastic bag for you.
Customer: Fine, but could you help me out?
Me: I HATE THIS JOB! I am required now to help you out to your car or I get fired. You do not need help. A paraplegic comes in here EVERY DAY and helps himself out to his special vehicle. Not only that, he helps raise money for the MDA while he's at it. You do not need my assistance to put your schtuff in your trunk. If you could take it off the shelf and wedge it tightly underneath the cart, then you can definitely unwedge it and put it in your car. I am needed elsewhere.
Customer: I would like to speak with a manager. Your service is unacceptable.
Me: I'M UNACCEPTABLE? IF YOU'D STOP MAKING MORONIC REQUESTS, MAYBE YOU'D STOP GETTING MORONIC RESULTS, YOU MORON! Besides, the managers will only put me back through Happy Training, so next time you come in I will do it all with a smile.
Customer: Oh! I forgot to buy a bag of ice. Could I leave the cart with you while I go back in to buy a bag?
Me: No. You have a freakin refrigerator, as I can infer from your cold items. It makes ice. Free ice. And if you leave the cart here, it just gives you another excuse to blame me for a missing item that you KNOW you never brought with you. Therefore, I suggest you go home, lock your doors and windows, and never come out again.
Yeah, this is WAY after school, but whatever. We went to explorers, did our thang, and the plan was I'd drive John and Steve to my house. Then we decided to get some food, so we turned around and headed for the Target shopping center, which also has a ton of fast food restaraunts. Burger King was closed, Pizza Hut sucks, etc etc until we found Carls Jr. This pink jeep has been following us the whole time, looking for someplace to eat too. So we're still in police explorer uniforms, so we decided to use the drive thru.
"May I take your order?"
"Yo! We'll take a number 5..."
"What kind of sauce would you like with that?"
"Yes, please."
"We have ranch, ketchup, barbeque..."
"Ranch please. Oh and a bacon cheeseburger."
"Would you like that [garbled word here]"
"...Sure, whatever sounds good."
"...Ok."
"And a medium onion rings."
"The medium onion rings only come in one size."
"K, whatever, seeya at the window."
Of course, we really couldn't hear what the person was saying until we discussed it later, but oh well. We had a long time to wait in line, so we found a crooner station and started BLARING that with our windows down. The guy in the Jeep started rubbing his temples, obviously getting a migrane. The guys rocked my car -- REALLY rocked it, back and forth back and forth. We yelled at each other to hear ourselves over the crooner music. The four cars ahead of us were staring in their mirrors at the shaking, crooning Chevy Metro with four cops in it. Even the girl at the checkout window stared. When we got there, John switched the station to static, and we all complained about "Aw, the tunes are gone. That was a classic!" And kept straight faces. We were overly-friendly to the girl and got our food while covering our badges.
We went into the parking lot to eat, not wanting to go INTO the place after that performance. Then the car dies, right in the parking lot. Luckily, John's dad came over and gave it a jump, but as soon as we started going, the lights began to dim. John's dad drove off, and we knew we had a limited amount of juice before we die on the road. As long as I'm on the gas, the car is fine. But we did NOT want to stop. We blew three stop signs (carefully, though, and in private property) and completely LUCKED OUT in the way of green lights. We drifted onto my street and parked my car on the driveway, where it prompty died. Steve took John home in his truck, which was at my house, and I went here to write this article. Oh yes, and the whole time John and Steve were yelling out various body parts in strange voices. The End.
The original Da Schtick was turning out to be a big hit. The librarians at the school are... well you'll find out what I can and can't say about them. I can say that I don't like them and they don't like me. It has been this way since year one. We'll call them Zombie, Mummy, and Weirdo.
They became angry that I had intended to use the library as a setting for a special Freek of the Weak, and kicked me out. Unfortunately for us, my chem class was using the library in five minutes. So I came back in, and they gave me a referral to the vice principal, who gave me a reprimand and complimented the site.
Angry at the cheapshot, I posted all the [true] things people had actually been kicked out of the library for. Some radical fan of Da Schtick printed out the page and posted it in the library near the Library Rules. There was a picture of Hitler on it, and there was a line where Zombie and Mummy were compared to Fascist dictators.
Although my accusations against them could be confirmed by numerous people, they found it to be slanderous and I was banned from the library. That in itself wouldn't anger me. But I was forced to shut down the site because it was constantly blamed for things. So in essence, I was banned for voicing my opinions, having someone agree with these opinions, and not being in good standing with the librarians. That's not really fair, now is it?
So we all have to be careful, because the next time someone slips up, I will shut down the site for good. However, I still stand strong with my opinions. Vengeance is a sin, yet there must be a way around this. I could call for a school-wide boycott of the library... but I would be blamed, and then they would blame the website, and I'd get spanked and have all of my computeres monitored. (I'm not really allowed to have the site up again, so don't tell anyone.) I'm sorry, but that's how things are in the world of IRHS right now.