Phyllis -- The original manager of Fry's. She was nice.
John -- Old assistant manager of Fry's, used to be the manager of Smith's, before it became Fry's. Very nice.
Chad -- Old front-end manager. Jerk.
Victor -- Evening manager. Coolest manager anywhere.
Carlos -- Assistant evening manager. Hates me.
Kim -- New store manager. Fake barbie smile. Evil cackle. She will kill you if you don't suck up. Or shave.
Catherine -- Old front-end manager. Witch.
Albert -- Old assistant manager, walked around with a feather duster in his back pocket.
Roberta -- New assistant manager. I'm the only guy on her good side. She's strict but nice (to me, only.)
Bob -- Awesomest manager. Why do all managers have simple names?
Chris -- Old-school cashier. Now a mommy. I like bagging for her.
Stephanie -- Old-school cashier. She loves me. She's been a mommy for 14 years. I love bagging for her.
Glenda -- Old-school cashier (21 years and counting.) Talks a lot. Love bagging for her.
Eleanor -- Old-school cashier. Our oldest cashier. Pen fetish. I like bagging for her.
Keith -- Old-school cashier. Barely has any other emotions other than happy.
Ryan -- Cool cashier, I like bagging for him. Girls dig him.
Lola -- Old-school cashier. She's awesome, I love bagging for her.
Lorretta -- Newer cashier. Goes to "Fascinations." Fun, love bagging for her.
Tressie -- Old-school cashier.
Jimmy -- Cashier, he hates you. But I think I'm finally cool with him. He got so drunk he was clinically dead for two minutes on his 21st birthday. Need I say more?
James -- Stocker, used to cashier. Going out with Jill.
Colleen -- She's nice once she's had enough coffee. Bookkeeper/cashier.
Anya -- Cashier, harcore cigarrette smoker.
Rob -- Old guy greeter. Smoker. Funny.
Karen -- Old woman greeter. Smoker. Not funny.
Mark -- African American greeter. Crazy, in a good way. Life would utterly suck without him.
Mary-Mary -- Pessimistic janitor. She hates her life. She makes more money than me cleaning up the same trash I do.
Sean -- New janitor. He's cool, always working hard.
Steve -- Used to be the scanning coordinator, but Kim transfered him because he also thought she was evil.
Courtesy Clerks:
Samantha 1 -- Worked in meat department too. German. Funny.
Samantha 2 (Sam) -- Liar, bitchy, liar, attention-whore... lazy, needs to be slapped. Hard.
Donald -- Oldest guy in the world. He is my hero. Usually did nothing all day long but tell us finny jokes. Chad fired him FIVE MINUTES before Chad was going to leave the store forever.
Katie -- Special Ed woman. She's... cool.
Kersten -- Hard worker.
Mellissa -- Fun, lazy, bi, funny, cool... WHY DID YOU QUIT?!
Jeff -- Lazy, arrogant, pals with the managers. He hates me. Promoted to cashier recently.
Jill -- Going out with James. Hard worker, very nice. She's awesome.
Joe -- Our white gangsta bagger who never works. He likes Sam. I think he's fired.
Jared -- Skater, smoker, lazy, arrogant. Likes Sam. Glad he quit.
Sirous -- Our middle-aged foreign bagger with sasquatch hair all over his body. Not fluent in english.
Johnathon -- Used to bag, went out with Sam for a day. Quit, but he was cool.
Sydney -- New girl. That's about it.
Calvin, Aaron, Dustin -- Don't show up.
Oscar -- Cool guy, does his work.
Randy -- Newest guy.
Ok, so I'm having friends over, right? And we need snacks, right? So I run off to Fry's on one of my much-needed God-given days of rest to get some munchies. Samantha begged me to work. Then everyone inside begged me to work. Yeah, now I know for sure they need me. I swear that place would fall apart without me. But I don't work until March 19. Easy shift -- 6am to 12pm on a Saturday. Nobody comes to the store until 12pm Saturday anyways.
March 19:
Slow in the morning. Stephanie wouldn't tell me the password to her register. So I hit "control -> override" and locked up the register system. I didn't mean to, but it was funny. They had to reboot the register system, it was great. Then it got busy, yadda yadda.
March 20:
Slow, I put newspapers on all the registers. Then it got freaking busy. Then the new kids showed up. But are they put to work getting up to speed or learning how to do stuff? NO! The idiot manager makes them sell RAFFLE tickets! Effortless Sunday pay for the noobs. Unbelieveable. Sam makes weird comments about the prom. Who is she going with?
March 21:
After Explorers, I went to Fry's to change a schedule. Sam asked me to the prom. And so the drama starts. My friend Elijah really digs Sam. Sam digs me now. There's a girl in Explorers named Courtney that digs me, even though she's in eighth grade. I'm still kinda getting over breaking up with Kellie. Oy vey...
March 22:
I'm falling for Sam again. Can't snap out of it. Work sucked. I did cart duty most of the time. Sam and I talked about music. She likes everything I like, it's almost creepy. Justin came in and threw a cookie on the floor because I made him bag for someone even though he doesn't work at Fry's anymore. I had to clean up the cookie. A group of SIX carts wound up rolling over my foot, I was limping the next day. Oh, to further the drama, Sam just got out of a relationship with Patrick. Sam also invited Carlos to another one of Loretta's parties. And by party I mean semi-nude people of all ages getting drunk and doing stupid things. *Shudder* I hope I'm not invited, the stories I hear scare me.
March 25:
Boring, nothing special.
March 26:
FREAKING BUSY! Sam looked prettier than usual today. I worked my butt off. My reward? Extra work, so everyone else could all watch the game. Of course, I can take care of the whole store on pre-Easter day, just like a manager would have to... the only difference is I get paid $20 less per hour than the managers. I was glad when the Cats lost, because it made all the slackers I had to cover for miserable. Take that, biznatches.
March 27:
Easter! Sam is still purdy. She likes borrowing my MP3 player for when she does carts. Green Day can make any cart duty fun! I got paid today to stand around selling raffle tickets. Being passive didn't work, I quickly learned, so I turned into a pyscho salesman. It worked BIG TIME. The raffle tickets were for the March of Dimes, and the grand prize was a Pepsi basketball hoop. I used all kinds of crazy guilt traps. "THE BABIES WITH CANCER NEED YOUR HELP! WHO WANTS TO SAVE LITTLE CHILDREN FROM A HORRIBLE DEATH? IF YOU HAVE ANY COMPASSION FOR YOUTH, YOU WILL BUY A TICKET! GO TO HEAVEN, BE A GOOD PERSON, AND MAKE A LITTLE KID REALLY HAPPY BY BUYING A TICKET!" Then I became ruthless: "ATTENTION FRY'S CUSTOMERS -- SUPPORT THE MARCH OF DIMES BY PURCHASING RAFFLE TICKETS FOR ONLY A DOLLAR EACH! IF YOU BUY FIVE TICKETS, SAMANTHA OVER THERE WILL DANCE ON THE BASKETBALL HOOP POLE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT! LOOK AT HER! BEAUTIFUL AND READY TO GO, FOR A GOOD CAUSE!"
Sam wasn't happy. But she knew I was kidding. Someone bought 3 tickets, but nobody bought enough for me to be caught in a marketing trick. Huzzah! Oh I found a poster in the break room that said "Remember, YOUR success is OUR success!" I don't care WHO you are. That's anti-motivational.
March 29:
I had extremely easy chores tonight and finished early. Loretta talked me into going to the prom with Sam. Sam was acting weird today... must not be feeling well. I wonder why she thinks she can't talk to me... whatever, whatever. Kim still hasn't received my official promotion request, but I'm hoping they sign it by the time I'm 17. If not, it's off to Safeway... or wherever. A bunch of hot girls came in tonight. Carlos was annoying me. Everyone is plotting to kill Roberta. I'm the only one who likes her, and I think I'm the only she likes. Lucky me. I got off early so I could bring Loretta and Carlos some Carl's Jr. I'm doing all I can to get on their good side... come on, promotion! Aaron got written up for being late too much. Poor guy. Maybe he should have a better work ethic. I am sick and tired of the new kids slacking off. Even SAM is working hard nowadays, and she usually doesn't want to. Mrs. McNamara (my AP English teacher) wants me to save all the stuff that happens at Fry's and put it in a portfolio. Um... ok? I haven't kept detailed logs, but I can recall pretty well from memory all the interesting stuff. It WOULD make a good book.
April 1:
Well I talked to Kim about a promotion, and she said yes. Yay! Just like the last time she said yes! So of course there was a catch: Yes, *IF* I became more available. Available, as in, quit school. See, at Fry's, the cashiers are on selective schedule. That means, the cashier that's been there the longest picks out whatever hours they want first, then it goes down the line of seniority. Since I would be the newest cashier, I would get stuck with whatever's left. And that might mean hours during school. And because that might happen, she wouldn't sign off on it. As a courtesy clerk, I can say "I can work weekends, tuesdays, and fridays, as long as my hours don't conflict with school."
On the brighter side, I got a $10 gift card because we were doing a good job. Justin (he works at Dominoes, used to bag with me) came in and asked Carlos for a card too. Carlos said "No, unless you get me a free pizza." Justin and I looked at each other, looked at the gift card, and headed straight for the paper towel aisle. We bought eight things of toilet paper (Justin wanted to get tampons too, but I had to remind him it would be difficult to stick that to a vehicle.) We paid for it with my new card, and ran outside to Carlo's truck on my break. In ten minutes we had done a pretty good job. I checked back in so the managers wouldn't get suspicious, and found they were out back unloading a truck. Perfect. Ten more minutes and we had that pickup wrapped like a mummy. Justin went to his manager and asked for a free pizza. The manager said "No." Justin told him it was gonna wind up on someone's car. The manager gave it to him. Justin took the pizza out of the box and stuck it to the hood. He wrote APRIL FOOLS on the box and left it on the truck. Fifteen minutes later Carlos went out on a smoke break and noticed his precious truck. He flipped, and immediately blamed Justin and I. When he was done cursing our existence, we all laughed our guts out. He said it was hilarious, and we cleaned it up. He wouldn't eat the pizza, though it was still warm. Oh well. That was my prank. That's the last time Carlos let's me on break though. :(
April 2:
Sold some tickets, SLOW old people. My facial hair grew a couple centimeters during that shift. I was able to watch it.
April 3:
Extremely short-staffed, kinda busy. Roberta was about to kill someone. She almost killed me. I went into her office to ask for a Void Slip for a cashier, and she said in an acidic voice: "Well... go, knock, on, that, door, and, ask, the, BOOK KEEPER, because, she, has, them... DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?"
"Um, ok, I didn't know where they were..."
"Yeah, SHE has them, not ME! SO GO! GET AWAY!"
Whew. Oh yeah, ten minutes into the morning and someone slammed a glass jar of salsa on the floor. Wonderful shards of glass and globs of salsa went everywhere. I cleaned it up. I'm thinking about changing my nametag to "Cinderella." I also helped out two CRAZY, ANGRY old people. They were arguing with each other the whole time. I was afraid they were gonna start beating each other to death with their walkers. Seriously, it got that close. It would have been hilarious, especially since I wasn't in my other uniform and wouldn't have to do anything (My other job is for the police department :-P ). Yeah, I finally got caught using my MP3 player -- not allowed to do it anymore. This sucks. I wanna go to Safeway so I can cashier. It was an ok day, until I realized prom is in less than seven days, and I don't have a tux and I haven't talked to Sam in a while. WHHHYYYY?!!!!?!
GAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 5:
I got the day off because it was my birthday. Yay! I'm 17. Steve (my good Mexican friend) and I are looking for cool jobs that pay greater than or equal to $5.55 an hour. Maybe Eegees, maybe Safeway, maybe some icecream place... Oh well. Switched schedules with Sam and set things up for the prom. We're going! SCREW YOU FRY'S! We're gonna cheat the scheduling system so we can go, it's so cool.
April 8:
Nice and slow, barely had to do anything. So excited about tomorrow. :)
April 9:
Crazy! Sam was so awesome and ready to go. Everyone at work wanted us to come back all dressed up and show off, nobody could wait until prom! We got reservations for 4 at the Macaroni and Grill. Sam's best friend Amber, and her date Corey will be spending the evening with us too. I go to pick up Sam at 5:30 (I'm a little late however.) Her entire family is there, and after taking thousands of pictures with me, I promise to each family member I will take care of Sam. Sam's mom reminds me that I'm toast if anything happens to her. Remind me to never make promises again...
Dinner was good, except for the conversation. I can't tell you what Amber insisted on talking about without putting an X rating on my site. Sam ate two meatballs and felt fat. So after dinner we went to the prom at Westin La Paloma. We got pictures taken, and then we went inside. The dance floor was TINY! TEENY TINY! The DJs were good though. Then things went downhill. For the billionth time, Sam asserted we were only friends, and insisted that I dance with other girls too, so she wouldn't feel bad dancing with other boys. Ok, so I was her ticket into the prom so she could do whatever the hell she wants. Someone kept calling her throughout the entire thing, too. Very annoying. So I finally get fed up and go dance with some girls from my english class.Then I notice Kelly! She still likes me, maybe she'll dance with me, too! No, no, she's just gonna smile at me then make out with Mr. Airforce Pilot. Great.
So I'm walking back to the table when I notice Amber, Corey, and Sam starting to leave. I open my mouth to ask what's going on, and Amber slaps me in the face. Hard. She yells something about "leaving" and takes off with Corey. I'm trying not to cry at this point... everybody saw that slap. I ask Sam what happened, and she has no idea. I offer to take her home, and she says no, she has to go take care of something on I-10 and Ina. What the hell? I say "No, let me take you home, you'll be fine. Do what you want after that." She says "Don't get involved in this Brian, Amber will take me home." Then she runs off. Ok, it's futile to stop from crying at this point. I return the table. Justin notices immediately something's wrong. He calls Amber up and (through much swearing) asks her why the $#@! she felt she had the right to slap people. She can only respond with more vulgarity. So Brittany calls Amber, and can only report that Amber's upset about Justin swearing at her. Go figure. WHY WAS I SLAPPED?! Ok, now I'm freaking out. Sam's parents are gonna KILL me. Justin and Brittany decide to leave with me, but I'm on my own when it comes to Sam's house. You know how hard it is to drive to someone's house when you know they have guns, and want to kill you because you didn't bring their daughter back from prom? AAARGH! So I get there, and her Grandma opens the door. I explain it to her Grandmother, which is as confused as I am. Then we wake up Sam's dad, who calls her cell. It seemed like hours I was just sitting there with Sam's grandmother, trying to not pass out from fear. Sam's dad comes into the room and tells me Sam's coming home. I should go home and take it easy, thank you very much.
I got home, told my parents, then cried myself to sleep. Why do I put this on my website? Because it's true. How can you do that to somebody? So now how many people are gonna ask me how it went, and how many times will I have to tell this story and let them down? I WANT ANSWERS, I WANT JUSTICE... Oh man.
It doesn't end there, either. Late, rough night and I'm supposed to work 8:00am - 4:30pm Sunday...
April 10:
I woke up at nine and called Fry's. I told Kim I wasn't feeling well enough to come in today. She knew it was bullshcrap. She said in a very evil and sarcastic tone: "Well that's very nice of you. Thanks for calling." Then she hung up. I'm getting fired (or at the very least, written up) next time I'm going in there. But I couldn't work today! Today was my last chance to get together with some guys so we could work on the biggest history project of the year.
April 11th-14th:
Well, Sam just kept lying and lying and lying about what happened, so I got my parents involved. Amber at least had the integrity to apologize to me. Here is as close as I can get to the truth: Amber thought I ditched Sam (because Sam apparently acted like I ditched her when I left), so after 4 songs (45 minutes, according to Sam), they got ready to leave. Sam is under the impression she told me earlier she's leaving. Another lie! So Amber slapped me in the heat of the drama, so on and so forth. During my ordeal, Corey, Amber, and Sam were gonna go to a party (not to see Sam's sickly friend, as she told me), but then they went to Waffle House instead. Ok?
Now for the truth, versus Sam's lies:
>I did not take Sam to get drunk at an afterparty and let her run around topless and have people eat whipped cream off of her. What the hell is she trying to accomplish with THAT lie?
>I am not spreading rumors about her drunkeness at said party.
>I am not vengeful towards her.
>I am not pressing charges.
>Her parents are not pissed at me.
>Nobody is on her side except her retard druggie groupies.
>Yes, she did get drunk and have people lick whipped cream off her once. I had nothing to do with it except to tell her not to get drunk -- wasn't even THERE.
Picked up another sub-$100 paycheck. Poor me. Oh, and I also applied at Sundaze, the awesome ice cream place across the street. I REALLY REALLY wanna work there.
April 15th:
Aaron got suspended for being late again. Dustin didn't show up, as usual. So it was just me, Sirous, and Sam (who is very, very bitter by now.) I bagged the whole damn night while she (literally) played with decorations. She must have Carlos on her side now... so the management is probably taking it really really easy on her. What a manipulative little bitch. Oh, I carried a 35ft. ladder around. HEAVY!
April 16th:
I was walking around all day in the heat with the police explorers. Hot! So I come to work in shorts, seeing as how it's almost 100 degrees outside. Five minutes into my shift and Carlos pulls me aside and tells me I'm violating dress code. Let's stop right there, and think. They will always yell at me about shaving because apparently I'm superhuman and shouldn't have a hair on my body. My current facial hairdo is a mere soul patch under my bottom lip. I've had it like that for a year. Summer doesn't start until June 21st. It's about 100 degrees outside now, however. Nothing is special about tomorrow. Back to the stupidity -- Carlos tells me I need to shave and I can't wear shorts until tomorrow. Why tomorrow? That's when I'm allowed to wear shorts. Why? It's hot now -- I don't want to die of heat stroke out there. Carlos then shows me the fax he got this morning with all kinds of valuable (and true, apparently) info. According to this Oracle of a fax, summer starts tomorrow. Where's my lemonade and bathing suit? Summer already! And, my soul patch is now classified as a goatee because its made of hair. Like Carlos' brain.
He actually makes me go home and change into black jeans and shave my soul patch off. This is war. I come back and tell him he's a complete idiot. "Do I have too many eyelashes now, Stalin?" "Shut up, I can write you up for that too." "Do it." "If you don't like the rules, leave." "You have no idea how hard I'm trying to leave this hellhole." Carlos went back into his office to cry. Sam and Loretta literally got to play with decorations all day. They're paying for this? ?I was the only one bagging. THE ONLY DAMN ONE! But that didn't stop the managers from calling me anyways. CALL THE SKANKY FREELOADER PLAYING WITH BALOONS TO BAG, I'M ALREADY UP HERE! Oyyy.....
April 17th:
National Retarded Manager Day! They wanted me to go around and collect the hand baskets. Ok, did it. They want me to do it again. But I already did it. But they think there's more. I tell them there's not. We have X amount of handbaskets, all of which are here. We have two racks, but only use one. All X handbaskets fit on the rack, we don't need the second. But if the second one is empty, shouldn't there be more? So I go to bag, and they call me again. I yell "NO" and they try themselves. When they fail, they tell me to bag instead of trying to collect handbaskets because, duh, there are none. They didn't notice they were yelling at me WHILE I WAS BAGGING. Then it got busy. We called James to back us up. ?Managers wouldn't let him, instead they want him waiting by the phone in case someone happens to call for him. Will the managers help out? The lines are in the aisles. No, they need to watch James and make sure he and the phone are ok. Once again, I'm the only one bagging for a while. I blatantly insult the managers the rest of the day -- they don't even notice how dumb they are.
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE, KIDS!
Went to Stephanie's house and swam with her and her kids. Yay! Fun! First swim of the year and I loved it!
April 23rd:
Ok, a couple weeks ago Jill and I switched schedules. I would work tonight and she would work in the morning, as she couldn't work at night. Then, last night I realized I had just signed off to work during Passover. That's a big no-no. So we talked to Victor. Victor couldn't change it, so he said one of us would have to call in. I figured I'd do it, I don't plan on working here much longer. Come Saturday (April 23rd), I called in and said I won't come in to work. I could almost hear Carlos clench his fists in rage on the phone. Doesn't matter -- Victor told me to do this so it's not like I'm being naughty.
April 24th:
Haha! I got written up! For INSUBORDINATION. Carlos pulled me aside at the end of the day and went on and on about how much he hates me, etc. etc. He spelled all the words wrong on my yellow sheet, even my name! "Brain, employe, notifified, subsitude, kowing, except (instead of accept)" just to name a few. Once again, THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE, KIDS! Okey dokey, as if I didn't get enough stupidity for one sitting, he launches into his dress-code speech. I shaved less than 24 hours ago, and he claims I have five-o-clock shadow. I was two seconds away from gouging his eyes out. I shaved my soul patch, and he still yells at me? THAT'S JUST SICK! Then I went home and applied to Kirkland's. But not in that order.
April 26th:
Amazing. I need Friday off so I can do security with the Police Explorers. They gave me Saturday off. Ok, I told them about this three weeks ago, exactly. Victor said he would fix it. Victor has gone missing. Ok, can Roberta switch me with someone on Saturday (it would be REALLY simple, and an ample four-day notice)? No, because I screwed up last week's schedule, she will not sign off on me switching anymore.
Ok, so, if I can't fix the problem, what do I do? My loyalty is with the Police Department. So I tell them that, and I tell them that I will be calling in on Friday, because I WILL NOT PASS UP WORKING WITH THE OVPD. They say they're gonna write me up again. [Insert any sarcastic remark here.] You know, they wouldn't have problems if they'd let me FIX THE FREAKING PROBLEMS. They lack writing skills, problem-solving skills, speaking skills, and organization skills. WHY THE $#@! ARE THEY MANAGERS?!
Then Carlos gets all indignant. He says "Ok, it was YOUR responsibility, and you failed again. That shows me that you lack integrity. You want people seeing that?"
"I either get yelled at here, or yelled at in the police station. I don't care about getting yelled at here, so I'm gonna bail on you guys."
"Well that'll show them that you don't have integrity, that you don't know right from wrong."
"No, it shows them I'm dedicated to THEM and to my community, not to bagging groceries. This is not my career; when I leave, I won't care what you think about me."
Seriously. Sometime in the near future I will get a call from Kirklands to set up my interview. This is ridiculous, I can't stand working here much longer. Oh, new dress code rule: No pockets on your shorts. Too offensive.
.....need... intelligence.... please.... if you're reading this, please send me an email with some semblence of intelligence.... I beg of you... somebody... help...
April 29th:
Called in, blah blah blah blah blah. Had a pretty exciting night doing security at a carnival. Then I watched Sin City. I have been curled up in the fetal position in my room crying for the past few days, sorry for the slow updates. That movie was disturbing. Go see it late at night, alone. I dare you.
May 1st:
OH. MY. GOD. Work was steady -- not too fast, not too slow, but there were ALWAYS three people in line at at time. Large-ish loads. I couldn't wait until I got off to start filming my spanish project. I got written up for excessive abscenses. Yeah, whatever. It's not my fault. I tell them when I'm available and when I'm not, and they schedule me when I'm not and still expect me to show. I went home and organized the crew for the project. We had to do a Spanish News Station -- with interviews, local and international news, sports, and commercials. At about 4:30pm we began filming. At about 4:35pm things went to hell:
One of our sports was Electric Cart Racing at Fry's. I went in, sat down in an E-Cart, and noticed (why me?) most of the managers in the store were right there. Staring at me. I explained I needed it for a project real quick -- nothing broken, nothing stolen, nothing missed. Then I got grilled with rhetorical questions basically telling me I couldn't do anything in the store.
So we went outside and did a quick script change. Cart Racing, without the Electric. We filmed that a couple times, but, unbeknownst to us, someone had complained... We got caught at the worst possible time -- we had just asked Justin a question in spanish. Justin was workin the cart shift right then. So the managers think we were out here hurting ourselves, destroying carts, and interfering with employees. She assaults me with tons of rhetorical questions that she expects answered. Do you have any idea how stupid you feel answering rhetorical questions only to be asked another, more intense one? But get this -- I'm still not fired. Actually, I got another job ALMOST lined up. Interview maybe at the end of the month with Kirklands. Anyways, back to the project...
It was going fine after that. We needed a commercial... why not do the Vonage "people do stupid things" type theme? Ok! Let's make it look like "Luke" gets hit by a car at low speed, then speed it up. First, I slowly back into him, and it's awesome. Then we do it forwards. The car is still moving at 5mph, when he jumps, misses the hood, and crashes into the windshield. It makes the most sickening crunch you have ever heard in your life. He slides off the car. He's fine, but scared shiznatless. My windshield has a spiderweb crack the size and shape of a human toros on the driver's side. Nobody was hurt, but now I'm screwed, transportation-wise. I think I may go back into my room and curl up in the fetal position and cry again, just like after watching Sin City.
But I SWEAR I will put the movie up here AS SOON AS IT IS READY! We got it all on tape -- every blood-curdling second!
May 2nd -- May 9th:
It's been a blur. Saturday was KFMA Day. Nobody wanted to go with me, so I decided I'll work an 8 hour shift. Might as well make that my one bad day this week. I should have gone to KFMA Day alone. Fry's was hell. EVERYBODY called in "sick." Even Sam, that rotten wench. She came in the morning accidentally cuz she thought she was scheduled then. Turns out she was scheduled for the afternoon. She swore, complained at the managers, and went home. Then she called in sick. BULLSHIZNAT! So it was just Samantha 1 and I all day long. And people were crazy and angry and the managers were crying in the corner and... the rest is a blur.
I'm trying to get people to stage a coup and elect me the new front end manager. I DO practically run the store. Oh, and I've cashiered now. It was fun. Illegal, but fun. I'm just not as fast as everyone else. Which is understandable, considering I only got to do it for a couple minutes while Lola was putting in her earring. Tee hee. NEED NEW JOBBBBBBBB!!!!!!
The new people suck. Jeffrey the cashier and Rhonda the cashier and Randy the bagger and Lauren the bagger. Joe just got out of juvy but I think he's fired. I think Monique is fired too. Dustin's been fired. It'd hard to tell sometimes. They never showed up anyways.
May 11th:
I was doing carts when I noticed two girls (the blonde one was kinda hot) sitting and giggling on the bench outside. I was in the middle of the lot with a row of 6 carts when the blonde one RAN out to me, TOOK my carts, and RAN back with them and put them in their proper place. Then it happened again with the next carts I gathered. The brunette said "SHE REALLY LIKES YOU!!" No kidding.
We got to talking, and then she bragged about her 1.3 GPA. Uhh... isn't that a D- ?
I got the notion that they were stoner party girls with no regard to normal aspects of life. It scared me so I went inside. Rob was like "Get any numbers?" Nooooo....
Eric, one of my friends, got a job as a bagger. Perfect, now I have a successor. I wrote up my two week's notice, went up to Carlos, and yelled in an angry voice "I QUIT!" Everyone within earshot was shocked. Then I handed him the paper and smiled and said more politely "So here's my two week's notice, man." People giggled, finding it funny that I scared the crap out of Carlos. Carlos yelled at me and told me it wasn't professional. If I wanted to be professional, I wouldn't have applied to be a bagger. Anywho... Stuff happened.
May 12-19th:
Mary-Mary got transferred. I had a talk with Jefferey the new cashier. He got the same offer that the managers made me: Quit school, get promoted. Smooth move, Bill Gates. He's pretty freakin rich, but no high school diploma to speak of. So when the company decides to drop him, he's doomed. Lola got transferred. I'm so sad.... She was so nice to me. She made me cry when she clocked out. I'll have to visit her at her new store.
Poor Samantha (the cool one) had to clean up tons of messes over the weekend. People had poor bathroom habits and then some kid puked. I did as much carts as I could to stay away from the stuff that was going on in there, but eventually Roberta caught on and made me work INSIDE ALL DAY NO MATTER WHAT. For an idiot, she's quite shrewd. Poor Samantha.
May 20th:
Eric and I worked tonight. He'll be a good worker, I made sure of that. Stephanie likes him. She's sad I'm leaving. Oh, nobody told Victor I had put in my two weeks notice. But Roberta is taking advantage of me now. I had to clean up a wonderful little number in the men's room. Anywho, thanks to the idiotic scheduling, my last day is tomorrow. I feel as happy as a hippy at Woodstock with a pocket full of shrooms. Finally, scheduling pays off. Oh, I get a bonus check too, because I have one unused week of paid vacation. I rock.
May 21st:
It took me almost a month to get back to doing this date. It's all a blur. Victor and Roberta were the managers. Her hair is starting to creep me out. Victor wanted me "organizing the back room," which was his way of saying "hey, hide from Roberta on your last day while doing aboslutely nothing!" Roberta kept calling me out and kept trying to make me do stuff. I wouldn't. She gave me my report, said I needed to improve my attendence. HELLOOOO? I'm QUITTING! What a moron. We gave a bunch of coupons to my very last customer. Some random guy buying deoderant late at night. I announced over the speakers: Attention Fry's customers and employees: tonight is my last night, and I'd like to thank you for putting up with me for a whole year; it's been great -- and thanks for all those lovely paychecks, those were nice... so goodbye, and thank you!"
Suddenly, a bright white light shone upon my form, and a chorus of angels began to sing. Like a butterfly popping out of a coccoon, I cast aside my Fry's apron, and my shirt (hey, it was a hot night!). I held my arms up and felt God give me some high-fives. Eric, my successor, donned my apron, the poor brave fool sacraficed his freedom for money. And I -- I was no longer bound to futile manual labor in slavery. I was no longer required to smile when I wasn't happy, to help people I wanted to stab in the face, to take orders from people who ought to be licking my shoes.
I celebrated with some horchata.
May 22nd and Beyond:
Jeff got promoted to cashier. He likes it better and he's less of a prick to me. They replaced me with FIVE, count em FIVE new baggers. Man, I really WAS valuable. All the new baggers suck, all the cashiers want me back, but in general they are happy I found a better place before it was too late. That druggie Sam was fired, haha! Guess she really WILL wind up stoned and dead in a gutter somewhere. Cool! Got my last few paychecks... Roberta is pure evil now, she doesn't even hide it behind a fake smile anymore. She runs around blatantly bossing the poor kids around. I almost feel bad for them. But then I think to my new job -- drinking free, ice-cold drinks like the special FROZEN COMMOTION ($3.75), and it's like I don't give a flying frick about what goes on in there anymore. As long as I'm not a part of it. I will always write about Fry's. Sometimes fondly, sometimes sadly, but always with an impassioned cry that still echoes in every managers ear:
SCREW YOU, I'M BETTER THAN THAT!
And so, my friends, ends this chapter of Fry's. I assure you, another one will begin, but not for this retired bagger. No, never again. Until I write my memoirs.