"Raul, this stuff sucks."
"Alas, good friend, we are doomed to consume it for years until we die of a car accident. Then, we will miss it most. And I will miss you. Goodbye, old friend. Rest in peace."
"We're not dead yet Raul."
"But if we were, I would write you poetic poems from the bottom of my dead Spanish heart."
"Pass me the ketchup."
"Where I come from, we call it 'El Salsa Para Papas Fritas Y Otros Cosas.'"
"But you're from Iowa."
"A most lovely and heartwarming place it was."
It was then that fate happened. One of the fancy French waiters at the cafe slipped on a pickle, and flew through the air. He landed face-first into a box of wine glasses. The shards of glass lacerated his face and he died screaming out in mortal pain.
"Frederick! That reminds me! I bought tickets for us to go on a cruise!"
"Raul -- did you just see that waiter?!"
"Yes, yes, Frederick. The French are always showing off. I, being superior to the French dogs, could have died in half that time!"
A woman walking past the Cafe saw Raul strike a pose as he bragged, and she fell in love with him. She watched through the window of the Cafe as Frederick and Raul talked and conversed and discussed things. A couple minutes later she was hit by the ambulance, which swerved into the Cafe! Tires screeching, sirens wailing, and the drivers screaming like little girls, it careened through the dining area and slammed into the kitchen, where it stopped and burst into flames.
"Frederick! It is Ragnarok! The Norse gods have descended upon us to wreak havoc and turn us against each other! Resist the Viking Doomsday Magic, Frederick! Resist! I would kill myself with nineteen toothpicks and a possum before I would harm you."
"Raul, shutup! We have to get out of here NOW!"
Raul took off his glove and slapped Frederick hard across the face.
Frederick fell from his chair and was unconscious before he hit the ground. As more ambulances, a firetruck, three police cars, and some guy on a moped raced towards the Cafe, Raul picked up Frederick and carried him to the wharf. Then he carried him to McDonald's where he bought a McFlurry and a McSpoon to eat it and got some McNapkins to wipe his McMouth with. Then he went back to the wharf.
Frederick was waking up at this point, and Raul explained to him what happened.
"Frederick, we must go on the cruise! It will take us many exotic places, places we have always wanted to go! I can go to my homeland --"
"Iowa?"
"No, my other homeland, Spain! The Pais De Personas Que Hablan Espanol!"
"But... how did you pay for this, Raul?"
"I sold Jessica on Ebay."
"But she was my girlfriend!"
"It was a sacrafice I was willing to make. I loved her as much as you did. Wait... no... no..... well, yeah. Yes I did."
"Raul.... whatever man, let's go."
"Where?"
Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Raul spotted a familiar face among the crowd of sailors. Yes, it was the girl in the window of the Cafe that had been checking him out! If only he could push through the thick sea of sailors to tell her how he really felt about her! So he picked up a rock and threw it into the crowd. It struck one seaman in the face and killed him. The rest ran away, forever terrified of rocks. Raul ran towards the girl in slow motion, screaming "NOOOOOO----!" in a slow-motion voice. He stopped when he got to her.
Sadly, the accident had required her arms to be amputated and she was paralyzed on the right side of her body. She looked at Raul with her left eye, and said, "Hef! Yur d guy fub duh Cuffy!"
"Si senorita! I cannot lie! Twas me who sold the only family you had left -- your sister -- on Ebay so I could go on one of the fanciest cruises on the planet!"
"HUH?!"
"Dios mio! You are retarded! I cannot love a retarded, maimed, and family-less torso with legs! But, I'm sure you've always wanted to be screwed, right?"
She vigorously nodded her head, a twinkle in her eye. Of course, only half her head nodded, but you get the point. Raul promptly threw her into the ocean, and screamed, "There! Now you are screwed!"
Frederick chuckled, lightly amused by Raul's antics. Raul, however, cried. He pulled an old record player from his pocket, and put in his �Sad & Dramatic Backround Music� record. He wept his heart out, and the skies turned dismal and began to rain down upon his miserable form. The icy wetness soaked him to his depressed bones, as he poured his heart out.
�Raul?� Frederick inquired.
�Yes?� Raul sniffed. �I am sorry. I am stronger than that. It's just that... I forgot to check my email this morning.�
Frederick kicked the record player into the sea. Raul kicked a little kid into the sea for invading his personal bubble. Then the two friends boarded the ship. The captain was called �Old Salty� because of his sodium intake. For dinner, he had the onboard chefs whip up his old favorite � salmon on salt. Some people would put salt on their food, but Old Salty puts food on his salt. Anyway, the ship set out on its journey to Spain. A week into the cruise, Raul already had three girlfriends; Amy, Melissa, and Samantha. One night, a terrible storm engulfed the boat. The waves were fifty feet high, and the winds were in excess of sixty miles per hour. The good people were unaware of the storm before it hit, they were calmly playing various parlor games in the parlor. Suddenly, the door to one of the rooms burst open as the first fork of lighting struck. Raul, drenched and excited, stood in the doorway silhouetted against the brilliant storm.
�PEOPLE!� he cried. �Hear me! Something horrendous has happened. We are all doomed to die watery deaths! The icy waters will envelope us, squeezing our breath from our innocent lungs as we feebly struggle for our very lives!�
�Raul, did you make the toilet overflow again?� Frederick said.
�Yes, I clogged the head, but that's not what I have come to warn you about. Look about you, good citizens!� Raul was frantic now. Why didn't they understand the peril they were in?
�Oh, the storm? Gee, thanks for the warning, Raul, I --�
�NO YOU IDIOT! I just lost a game of poker. I bet Amy's soul that I would win. And I lost. So she is soulless now. And her body has been possesed by the Sea Spirit!�
�And that is a.... what, exactly?�
Without warning, a green, scaly hand thrust through the parlor floor menacingly. It was five feet thick, had five fingers with five razor-sharp claws, each the size of your average short sword.
�Pirates!� Raul screamed, spit flying from his lips as his heart sank to his stomach. �PIRATES!�
The hand grabbed the bowl of fruit salad and withdrew back into the sea. After a couple seconds of stunned silence, the people went back to playing poker. Unfortunately, the hand had created a large hole in the boat. Raul wanted revenge. He grapped a fancy Spanish sword and jumped into the sea. He began swimming down, down into the murky depths to regain the lost fruit salad. Meanwhile, the boat was skinking rapidly. Frederick was hurriedly packing his and Raul's stuff. Raul had to be eighty, maybe ninety feet below the ocean by now, and still couldn't find the hand. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he was hit by a Russian nuclear submarine on a secret mission. Raul was plastered against the bow of the sub.
That's about when the cruise ship sank low enough to strike the sub too. Raul's world went dark. Luckily, Frederick had donned a life vest and was safely floating on the surface, stealing trinkets from the dead people that would come floating by. He had no clue where Raul was. By late afternoon the next day, Frederick was still floating aimlessly with the friends' luggage, when all of a sudden, a bunch of foamy blood floated to the surface of the sea. A few minutes later, Raul came up, and took a deep breath. He had a wild look in his eyes, and held the bloody sword.
"Frederick -- I killed the pirate, and re-obtained the fruit salad. It was salty, but I ate it anyways," he said.
"But Raul," Frederick said, "you were down there for over 24 hours! How did you survive AND kill the sea spirit hand thing?"
"Well, my ignorant freind, isn't it obvious? That crazy quadrapelegic girl from the French cafe floated by and kissed me to give me air. I used her has a makeshift snorkel while I fought with the pirate. Eventually, my misuse of the human body killed her and allowed my to survive long enough to destroy the pirate. So, now where do we go?"
"Um, Spain?"
"Ok."
Unfortunately, they were nowhere near Spain. In fact, I don't even know where they were. By and by they landed on a tiny little island. A sign on the beach said "Welcome to Guadahokopokopinkytinky." In the natives' tongue, it meant "Welcome to a Tiny, Insignificant Island in the Middle of the Atlantic Ocean That Nobody Knows or Cares About so There is no Hope of you Ever Being Rescued so Ha-ha." But little did our heroes know that there WAS hope! You see, the Russians crash landed on the island, too...
"Frederick," Raul said as he dried himself off with an Atlantic Raccoon, "This isn't Spain."
"I know, Raul. I read the sign," Frederick responded.
"I wish it WAS Spain, instead of Poland."
"This isn't Poland, it's--"
"Of course it's Poland, don't be stupid. I bet you anything we will soon see real Polish people."
"What do Polish people look like?"
"Like cavemen."
"Ok." They began to explore this new island, looking for girls and a buffet. Eventually, they decided there was no trace of any civilization on the island at all. As they prepared for sleep, though, their minds changed. A caveman stepped into view. He wasn't Polish, he was an island native. Raul screamed and through a stick at the caveman, frightened by the fact that the caveman had an enormous forhead. The caveman screamed in a low, stupid voice and ran around in circles. Frederick took an aspirin and went to sleep.