�Goooooood morning everybody, I�m God, your host here at 66.6 KGOD radio!�
The Hursten family was listening to KGOD on the radio, everyone�s second favorite station. Most people would prefer KKKK, the network affiliate downtown, but they were forbidden to listen to KGOD�s number one competitor. �And now, over to Angelo, with today�s traffic.�
�Thank you, God. There was a small wreck on Broadway this morning. Fortunately, only one person was hurt. Nice shootin, God!�
�Thanks, man.�
�Anyways, it�s all being cleared up now, so you can go on enjoying your futile little lives as if it never happened, although an innocent person was critically maimed and smeared across the pavement!�
�Haha! He made a big �hit� on Broadway!�
�You kill me, sir.�
And so, the mornings began every day in the small town of Redwood Valley, Arizona. After traffic they would move on to weather, a personal favorite of the Hursten family, as Grandpa Hursten was the weatherman.
�Ok y�all, I�m gonna hand it over to our famed weatherman, Ed!�
�Fred.�
�Whatever.�
�No, get my name right.�
�Shutup and do the weather before I condemn your soul.�
�Right. Today there will be a few minutes of slightly cloudy skies, and followed by whatever the heck God decides to pour forth from the heavenly expanses today. I�m thinking the whole water thing is getting a little old, but hey! It�s all up to the Big Cheese!�
�That gives me an idea, Jed.�
�Fred. You�re gonna make it rain cheese?�
�No.�
�Um� the weather will involve cheese though, right?�
�Heck no. That�s stupid. I�m going to Luigi�s Fondue Bar after work tonight.�
�Ah.�
After the usual talk show banter, they would eventually move on to the music, so the populace would have something to listen to during their daily commute to their respective jobs.
�Okey dokey, I�m gonna hand it over to Mix Master Jesus now. Sup, Homeslice?�
�We aight up in da hood, yo. I gonna make yall shake dat thang with da phat beats I gonna grind out dis mornin, yo. Representin!�
�Tight!�
�Dis beat here a remix of Ode to Joy. Now it Ode to Random Latin Words That Nobody Can Understand. Get yer freak on, ladies! 66.6 KGOD!�
After a full 40 minutes of Jesus�s techno remix of Ode to Joy, it was time for Billy Hursten to go to school. On the bus, he studied for his math test. In the hall, he put all the calculations into his calculator. Before class, he prayed. He was gonna ace this test.
�Hey everybody, God here at 66.6 KGOD Radio! It�s time for our PRAY TO ME segment! Yay! Today, Billy Hursten has a special request for me, right Billy?�
�Yes, Dear Lord. Grant me at least a B on this test, and I will join Boy Scouts. Amen.�
�What kind of poop is that? Boy Scouts is for sissies. You�re getting a D, timewaster.�
*********
So it came to be that Billy eventually flunked math, and by the end of the school year nobody liked him. So he became a goth and a satanist. And, he listened to the Forbidden Station: KKKK Radio. They just played the same commercial for Ovaltine again and again and again. Billy loved it. Meanwhile, God ignored the sad situation on earth, as he had better things to do during his summer broadcasts.
"Hey everyone! God here from 66.6 KGOD Radio! Today I'm interviewing my old college pal, Allah! What up, dawg?"
"Haha! God! Long time no see. I understand you have questions for me?"
"Yeah. First question: Is it true you invented carbombs?"
"No, that's absurd. Muslinism is based on justice, not on carbombs."
"Muslinism? You mean Islam?"
"No... wait... Ah, whatever. Next question."
"Yeah, I understand your religion advocates the destruction of national landmarks. Is this true?"
"No! Don't be silly. I do not want my people blowing things up! Can we change the subject?"
"Hey -- how come the terrorists yell 'ALLAH AKBAR!' before they blow themselves up?"
"It..... um... we..."
"And how come you have the most radical clerics on the planet?"
"We... they... the.... look! Fondue!"
With those clever parting words, Allah ran away to his room and cried because nobody believed him. But after he smote a few people he felt better. Meanwhile, Billy was raising an army of goths to take over the world and run God out of business. The next day, the Hursten family's breakfast was eaten to these very words:
"Morning, Jim." "Morning, Lucy. What's for breakfast?" "Waffles! Oh, I already got your juice for you." "Thanks, Lucy. I love you."
Then, the day after that, they were eating breakfast to THESE words:
"Greeeetings my good peeps! God here from KGOD Radio, with some breaking news. Some idiot named Billy Hursten has converted to Satanism and has raised an army of Goths to run me out of business. I have formally declared war on his little nation. My Mormon Task Force is currently launching an offensive on the goths. I will update you with more news when stuff happens. In the meantime.... Jesus!"
"Yo, bro! I'm gonna do MY rendition of a rap song I heard the other day. Y'all gotta like it cuz you all wearing those WWJD bracelets. Ahem. Ooh, I like it like dat she workin dat thing I dunno how to act; slow motion for me, slow motion for me, slow motion for me...."
The epic battle commenced on the grassy gnolls of Paris. The Goths, having the better initiative, were going around spreading misery to the normally gay people in the streets. The Mormons countered by eating vegetarian snacks. The Goths returned by hissing in a menacing, yet stupid manner. The Mormons called them bad names without swearing. The Goths complained about their lives. The Mormons asked them nicely to surrender. The Goths said "no" in a very depressed tone of voice. One Mormon, named Jebediah, said "Crap. They have us there." Suddenly, MORMONATOR, the giant battle-robot that manages the Mormon activites appeared with a slightly angry expression on his face...
*********
"Jebediah, thou hast brought dishonor to thy religion. Repent!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
"I SAID REPENT!"
Jebediah began to cry and weep and sob and saline poured out of his eyes and he wailed "I'm so sorry! PLEASE forgive me!"
"Ah, it's ok. I love you. Carrot?"
Jebediah took the Carrot of Mercy and ate it. He instantly felt better, and found a new meaning in his pacifist faith. But by this time the Goths had slit the wrists of Jebediah's bretheren. Jebediah did a heroic thing then. He called in reinforcements as his heart was ripped out and sacraficed to "Ook-jabayalah," the Goth god of Ripped-out Hearts.
"God here from 66.6 KGOD Radio, an update on the war: I'm sending in the Rabbis to deal with the Goths. The Mormons failed, but don't worry! They died happy, because they'd go to Hell if they died angry or sad. In more important news, Linkin Park is gonna have a concert at the town hall tomorrow. Tickets are on sale..."
The Rabbis snuck up on the Goths. Then, without warning, a torrent of RPDs (rocket-propelled dreidles) and Throwing Stars of David was unleashed and the pale-faced Goths. They died within seconds to the tune of "Havah Nagilah." Then the Rabbis drank a bunch of wine and had a great party while new Mormons came to reinforce the camp. Morminator was just watching the whole thing, but now he finally had something to do. He went over to Billy's office and -- Lo and behold! Bhudda was there.
"You! I thought I vanquished you," Morminator said.
"I thought so too. Hmmm...." Bhudda and Morminator sat for awhile and discussed this dilemna while the battle intensified outside. The Rabbis were now using Drunken Kung-Fu on the evilest thing Billy could find: The guy who does the voice for AOL. Yes, he was there, chanting "You've got mail" over and over again. The Rabbis couldn't take it, so they finished off the wine and passed out. Just when AOL-Man thought he had won the battle for Billy, a chorus of angels appeared and began singing. A spotlight shone from the heavens, and in the light appeared... AN ATHEIST! Indeed, bound by no moral or religious commands of any kind, they were free to do what they wanted. And right now, this one wanted to strangle that guy with a baseball bat. So he did. And the peasants rejoiced! Then the Rabbis woke up and went home, speaking in Yiddish the whole time. The Atheist didn't understand so he went with them because they had wine.
But the war wasn't over. Billy sold his soul to the devil, who bought himself some new shoes. In return, Billy because the devil's APE OF WAR! A simian with glowing red eyes and a pitchfork and the intelligence of a scientific calculator, he was able now to compete with almost anyone else, provided they were under the age of eight. For a moment, it appeared he had won the war. Noboy wanted to fight a Devil-Monkey. Suddenly, a banana bush appeared near Billy. He began eating the bananas, not recognizing the bush from the Scriptures, or not even recognizing the fact that bananas don't grow on bushes. The bush was actually God! Yes, the bush burst into flames and set Billy ablaze! God then said in a deep, booming voice:
"Go to Zion, a land flowing with milk and honey."
So Billy ran to the nearest Zion Grocery Store and ran to the Milk N Honey aisle. That's where he died -- a flaming monkey with a pitchfork and glowing red eyes and half a banana hanging from his mouth. Only God knew that this was only the beginning, but He didn't tell anyone because he doesn't like to ruin things...
"Hey everyone! God here, your host at 66.6 KGOD radio, just letting you know that this is only the beginning." Ok, maybe he does like to ruin things. "Also, I have Eduardo here from the FCC. He came in to review the station, but since I have nothing better to do, I'm gonna interview him instead of one of the other 'gods.' So, Ed, what up?"
"Well, um... God... The Social Security Office in Washington found a problem with your license."
"That's almost interesting."
"Well you see, the name you registered with, Hank, doesn't show up in our computers. But when we use your social security code, we come up with the name Luigi God. Can you explain this?"
"I ask the questions here, buddy."
"Ok then, I'll have the FCC revoke your license."
"Fine, I'll tell you. But when I'm done speaking, I'm going to have you spontaneously combust."
God thought for a few minutes on this matter. Strange, the name Luigi rang a bell, but he had always thought his name was Hank. Of course, it has been so long since he went by that... Oh yes! Now he remembers! But in order to explain why he is Luigi and NOT Hank, and why he has a radio station, and why he loves fondue and has an incessant need for utter chaos, he requires a flashback. A flashback to his good ol' freshman days at the University, before the world was created...
***************************************************************************************
He was Luigi God, an Italian Chef trying to make his way in this earthless world. He and his two roommates, Zeus and Aphrodite put their money together to by an apartment. They lived on the second floor of Untitled_Apartment001. Below them lived Lucy Furr, a cantankerous woman who hated the fuss the men made upstairs. The room across the hall was occupied by Bhudda, the room on their left was occupied by Allah, and the room to their right housed Aires. One day, Luigi decided to make a pizza for Zeus and Aphrodite. "I'm Italian!" he announced, as he pulled the steaming entre from his authentic Italian brick oven. Zeus and Aphrodite stopped making out long enough to sit down at the table.
"Uh, Aphrodite, can you pass the salt?" he asked in a slow voice. He wasn't the brightest guy around, but MAN was he pretty!
"Oh, you like dat, baby?" Aphrodite said.
"Um, yes, can you pass it now?"
"Oh you like dat, baby?"
"Yes."
"You like dat?"
"Yes."
"You like --"
"YES YES YES! PASS THE SALT ALREADY!" Zeus screamed.
"YOU LIKE DAT, BABY?!" Aphrodite screamed back.
"I'M ITALIAN!" Luigi screamed to no one in particular.
"I'm old!" The old man down the hall screamed.
Zeus, not having proper manners, reached across the table to get the salt, but knocked the pizza onto the wooden floor. Taking her chance, Aphrodite pounced on Zeus and began rolling around with him in the pizza on the floor.
"Why are you fornicating in my pizza?" Luigi inquired. But it was too late. They got up, licking cheese off of each other. The pizza had become ground into the floorboards, halfway between Luigi's apartment and Lucy Furr's apartment. For those of you with IQ scores below those of toenails, read the author's note below. That means ALL of you.
[Author's note: Obviously, the pizza is now the earth, Luigi's apartment is heaven, and Lucy Furr's place is heck. All the spices in the pizza are people. REMEMBER! This is all based on a true story, so don't laugh.]
Later that night, Aires came over. He was a bit of a pyromaniac. But just slightly. While Athena was helping Zeus practice for the Javelin competition, Luigi took Aires to the microwave.
"I'm Italian!" he stated.
"Heheh... Fire!" Aires replied in a Beavis voice. He promptly took a three-pound wad of aluminum foil and stuck it in the microwave. Luigi looked on as blue flames and large sparks danced around. Aires doused the wad with gasoline and put it in the microwave again. After two seconds, the wad burst into flames. Liugi fainted. Just then a javelenin flew across the apartment into the microwave. Aires laughed and left. Luigi woke up and surveyed the damage.
"Um, can I help you, muscular dude?"
"Me Thor! Me want fix micr... micro... thingy!" Thor shouted.
"Um... K." Zeus showed Thor to the kitchen, which was was still burning. Zeus went back to sharpening his javelins for greater accuracy. Thor took the only tool he ever needed, his 200-lb Norse Warhammer of Smiting, and proceded to "fix" the micro-thingy.