Battle of the Sexes
My Mother-In-Law keeps asking why we haven't had children. I figure having a husband AND a child would be redundant.
Little girls grow to become young women. Little boys have a job for life!!
Coffee, chocolate, and men. Some things are just better rich.
The difference between women and men is that women love their children. They know everything about them, including birthdays, allergies, likes, and dislikes. Men are vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex." And Bob wrote "I love sex."
An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence: 'Woman without her man is nothing.' The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." All the women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
I have always wondered why men never or seldom help women work in the kitchen, but when it comes to cooking with a barbecue outdoors, men quickly grab the opportunity. Then it hit me-Men are less evolved.
the average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh!"--Conan O'Brien.
So many men, so few who can afford me...
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her.
If all men are idiots, not only did I marry their King, I gave birth to their Crown Prince!
Make love, not war-hell, do both, get married!
My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.
Before you meet your prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Women think they are so clever at faking orgasms...but only a man can fake a whole relationship.
It's funny...all over the world women stop working in the middle of a field, lay down to give birth, and get right back to work. But give a man a cold and suddenly he's 2 years old and can't blow his own nose.
Women's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it!
'Here's to the men that we love,
And here's to the men that love us,
But the men that we love,
Aren't the men that love us,
So to hell with the men.
Here's to us!'
Any married man should forget his mistakes--There's no point in two people remembering the same thing.
Men have feelings too (but who really cares).
A man generally has two reasons for doing anything. One that sounds good, and a real one.
Women and elephants never, ever forget.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory.First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.-Oscar Wilde
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he maturs into someting she'd like to have with dinner.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher...and that is a good thing for any man.-Socrates
There are easier things in life than finding a good man...Like nailing jello to a tree, for instance.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much faternizing with the enemy.-Henry Kissinger
Never chase after a man or a train-another one will always come along.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished..
Sometimes I think that if there were a third sex, men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.
Girls will be girls, boys will be toys.
A man will $2 for a $1 item he needs, a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't.
I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always!
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy, and Mr Wrong.
Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky and he will believe you. Tell him there is wet paint on the bench and he will have to touch it to be sure.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less.
A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.
I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife,"I was a fool when I married you." She replied,"Yes dear, but i was in love and didn't notice."
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.-Lazarus Long
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. (Got married last weekend, wife knows everything).
It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.
If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
A woman who strives to be equal to a man lacks ambition.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'
Don't bother getting married-just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
Boys are great, every girl should own one.
If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send all of 'em?
Men! They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom!
Men are like buses-they have a spare tire and smell funny.
Notice to thieves: Car is like my husband-not worth stealing.
Men are like chocolate bars-soft, smooth, and they always go to your hips.
For every girl with a curve there are several men with angles.
A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart but he's not very bright.
If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.
A woman is like a teabag-only in hot water do you realise how strong she is.
Men are like Computers--they're easy to turn on, but once everything's loaded up, they're hard to work and stubbornly refuse to do what you command.
"How do you know that a man has done something wrong? For once he does everything right."-Stephanie DiCioccio
Women do come with instructions. Just ask them.
I want a sensitive man-one who'll cry when I hit him.
Star light, star bright, where the freak is Mr. Right?
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