If life hands you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
When people deserve your love and support the least, that is when they need it the most.
"Don't go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.
Drink varnish and you'll get a lovely finish.
Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.
If you receive something that says 'Send this to everyone you know,' pretend you don't know me.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile i their shoes. I say they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know'em!
Never buy anything that has a handle, eats, needs painting, or has babies.
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Become who you are.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye. You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl.
Save Water-Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
We don't want a thing because we have found a reason for it-we find a reason for it because we want it.
Perseverance is not a long race. It is many short races one after another.
It is better to give a rock out of love than a diamond out of duty.
give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Endeavour to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth know can be taught.
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Work like yo don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is looking.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Found on a Speed Racer T-shirt: Machine Wash Cold Your 100% Cotton Silk-Screened T-shirt. Tumble dry low, clean your room, and don't stay out past 11:00 without calling.
Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school- you'll be working for them in the future.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions than salt water has on thirst.
If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.
Take the time to be right. It's faster than being wrong.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never say 'OOPS!' Always say 'Ah, Interesting!"
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and tate good with ketchup.
Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in cas you have to eat them.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The act of giving is more important than the merit of the receiver.
If you put your nose to the grindstone, you'll get a flat face.
Share your smile with everyone, but save your kiss for only one.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
If you see a snake, just kill it. Don't appoint a committee on sankes.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up, depends upon what you're made of.
"Life isnt about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." Gearge Bernard
You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
Never pet a burning dog.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
"dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." - james dean
Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain aboiut the draught.
"The man who has no imagination has no wings." Muhammad Ali
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them.
"Courage is resistance of fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." - Mark Twain
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
When all you have is a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail.
"Dont take life too seriously- you'll never get out of it alive."
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
If you think your wife's jewellery is an investment, try selling a few pieces.
If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
Be true to your teeth, or they'll be false to you.
No varnish can hide the grain of the wood and the more varnish you put on, the more the grain will express itself.
It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
Patience comes to those who wait.
Quit smoking on the anniversary of your birth, not the day of your death.
Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend your middle finger.
It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do a little.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is good, firm push.
Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.
Never buy a car you can't push.
It is better to keep your mouth shut, and look like a fool, than to open your mouth, and remove all doubt.
When you're over your head, the first thing to do is to close your mouth.
Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.
The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never eat more than you can lift.-Miss Piggy
At the end of your rope? Tie a know and SWING!
Never argue with an idiot; bystanders can't tell the difference.
It's a small world, so you gotta use your elbows a lot.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
Scholarary Quotes
