keepgoing

>1) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE
> A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each
> other, do it outside.....I just finished cleaning in here".
2) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME RELIGION.
> "You better pray that will come out of the carpet!
3) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TIME TRAVEL.
> If you don't straighten up, I'm gonna knock
> you into the middle of next week.
4) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME LOGIC.
> "Because I said so, that's why."
5) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT.
> "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case
> you're in an accident."
6) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME IRONY.
> "Stop that crying or I'll give you
> something to cry about."
7) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT
> THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS.
> "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
8) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT
> CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at the
> dirt on the back of your neck."
8) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA.
> "You'll sit there until you clean your plate."
9) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER.
> "It looks like a cyclone hit this room."
10) MY MOTHER TAUGHT BE ABOUT HYPOCRISY.
> "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times.....
> don't exaggerate!"
11) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
> "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"
>12) MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT
> BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
> "Stop acting like your father."

Mothers day special (remember you owe a debt to your mother as long as she lives because she brought you into this world so buy her a big assed present... or just get your hit man on to her so the debt is no longer owed.... j/k... )

THE PUSH
>A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning
>by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to
>the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down
>rain is asking for a push.
>
>"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the
>morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
>"Who was it?" asks his wife.
>
>"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.
>
>"Did you help him?" she asks.
>
>"NO, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!"
>
>"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife." Can't you
>remember about three months ! ago when we broke down on vacation
>and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
>
>The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into
>the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.
>
>"Hello-are you still there?"
>
>"Yes," comes the answer.
>
>"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
>
>"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>
>"Where are you?" asks the husband.
>
>"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies