1/31/05
i was laying in bed and thinking. i was there chained to the bed thinking is this my life? When i lay there, i feel like i am acting. this is how i feel when i am in the vanilla world. laying chained in the bed, i get this feeling i feel good about being there but there is an air of the unreal in it. maybe beacuse you don't hear of this happening. at least not in favorable light. i know that i belong here. owned by you. i feel real when we are toghter. just something about the bed that makes me feel different. not sure what it is. these thoughts will keep mullling aroung in my head for a time. at least until i get comfortable with it.
i think have figured out why i have such interesting feelings when chained in bed. i think it is because being chained brings to the forefront of my mind that i am a slave and it makes it very real to me. When i am chained there is no chance of thinking anything but that i am a slave. nothing more. just a slave. As i walk around the house naked and in the other bindings you have prescribed, there is a possiblity of thinking that it isn't real. With the chain on the bed, there is no doubt about it. i am slave. your slave.
3/8/05
Sitting at your feet this morning and having you ask me if that is where i wanted to spend the rest of my life brought an easy answer but then the reality of that answer hit me. Could i really spend the rest of my life, at your feet? i know that i could but wonder if it would really be that easy, just to walk away from my other life and spend it there on the floor serving you? It can't be that easy. Life is not that easy. As i think more about it, i realize that in essance it isn't that easy. There are things to settle before finding the floor. There are pains in the vanilla life that will have to be endured before i can find the floor at your feet. But those are all things that are worth the enduring to be there at your feet for the rest of my life
12/24/05
i was watching Lost World this morning and it was the episode where Marquite admits to Rockston that she loves him. In it she talks about having no feelings and only mimicking the feelings that should be the response in certain situations. That is the way i feel that i have spent my life. That i have no feelings of my own but only mimick those that i am suppose to have. Of course, that is changing now. Now, my feelings are front and formost. You see my true feelngs even if i don't know what they are myself. i sometimes thnk that is why i cry so easily. That those are all my feelings coming out.
i have been playing games and thinking. just feeling the weight of the chain that binds me to the house. The comfort it gives me. It is like when i first had to get use to the weight of my collar. i feel the strenght of it, i realize what this means, that i am not free, that i am owned and yours to do with as you like. i am at your disposal all the time. i think that in a lot of ways, this just puts a physical touch to the chain that has bound me to you since i have been collared. i know that you like the sight of me in chains and that pleases me. that i can be looked upon with pleasure.
