KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
Dicktaphone

Transcribed by Daniel Schaumann <www.geocities.com/d_schaumann/>


For those of you who don't know, Kevin Bloody Wilson is a
legendary Aussie singer who writes the most legendary songs
around.  Sure - he might be a dirty little bugger, but there
isn't a song of his that hasn't made me laugh.  For more info
check out www.kevin.bloody.wilson.com.au


This one kinda reminds you of Telstra, doesn't it? :)


NOTE: * at the start of a line indicates the caller's voice
      @ at the start of a line indicates the operator's voice
      # at the start of a line indicates the Telecom worker's voice
      $ at the start of a line indicates the receptionist's voice


  A
* Hello operator, I'd like to make a call.
      A                        E
* Can I have four double seven three one zero four?
      A                                             D
@ I'm sorry, sir, could you repeat that number once again?
       E                                               A
* Four double seven three one zero four, did ya get it then?


            A
@ Could you speak a little slower - four double seven's all I got.
  A                            E
* Three one zero four, are you bloody deaf or what?
  A                                               D
@ Look, I got the third bit, I just can't get the last.
       E                                        A
* Well stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!


  D                        A
* Stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse,
  B                                   E
* You're supposed to fuckin' help not make it fuckin' hard,
    D                            A
* I only want to make a call but you're just bein' smart,
             A                        E
* So you can stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!


# Good morning I'm from Telecom come to disconnect the phone,
# For a breach of regulations just a couple of days ago.
# You upset our operator with a pretty nasty call.
* What are you fuckin' on about - it was all her fuckin' fault.


# Well she claims that it was all your fault, she really was distressed.
* What about your customers - she upset me first.
# We've got her written statement, which shortly will be read.
# But it might help if you'd recall exactly what you said.


* I said stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse,
* You're supposed to fuckin' help not make it fuckin' hard,
* I just tried to make a call but you just acted smart,
* So I said stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!


# Well that's not exactly on sir, no it's just not on at all.
# You must use proper ettiquite if you wish to make a call.
# And please and thank you also help - you can't talk to her like that.
* Please and bloody thank you, well you fuckin' tell her that!


* And she knows without a telephone I'm really in the shit.
# Well perhaps if you'd apoligise that just might help a bit.
* Apoligise - apoligise - apoligise to who?
# Just go in and ask for Operator 42.


     Now the song changes key - A=G
                                B=A
                                D=C
                                E=D


$ Good morning are you waiting is there something I can do?
* Yes I'd like to speak to Operator 42.
$ Sorry, sir, I missed that, could you repeat what you just said?
* OH SHIT I DON'T BELIEVE IT HERE WE FUCKIN' GO AGAIN!


* Operator 42 - look I'll just write it down!
$ Ooh, Operator 42 - I'll see if she's around.
* Jeez, they're bloody useless, I'm sure that they're all deaf,
* No wonder that I did me quince, no wonder that I said:


* Stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse,
* You're supposed to fuckin' help not make it fuckin' hard,
* I just want to make a call but you're just bein' smart,
* So stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!


     Now the song goes back to A


* Now they'll make me sit around and wait all bloody day,
* Just so they can make me sweat and have the final say.
* That's like the public service - they make you scrape & bow,
* Oh, shit she's fuckin' ugly if that's her coming now!


@ I'm Operator 42 - I'm busy, make it fast.
* Did a bloke tell you to stick that fuckin' phone right up your arse?
@ Yes he did, the filthy animal, I remember now.
* Well you'd better fuckin' brace yourself cause they're bringin' it around!


* And you can stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse,
* You're supposed to fuckin' help not make it fuckin' hard,
* I just tried to make a call but you just acted smart,
* So you can stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!


* Stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse,
* You're supposed to fuckin' help not make it fuckin' hard,
* I just tried to make a call but you just acted smart,
* So you can stick that fuckin' phone up your fuckin' arse!