Lists

"Lifeguard Pick-up Lines"

As presented on the 11/6/95 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. "The Red Cross has certified me as a fully trained love machine"
9. "Coast Guard regulations, Miss - I have to inspect you for sand mites"
8. "I want to be with you tonight - even though you are a plastic CPR dummy
7. "If I can't have you, life isn't worth guarding"
6. "I got something that could use a little resuscitation"
5. "Will you help anchor my lifeguard tower by sitting on my lap?"
4. "Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you look coughing seawater out of your lungs?"
3. "Can I buy you a glass of Coppertone?"
2. "When you press your ear to my shorts, you can hear the ocean"
1. "Surf isn't the only thing that's up"

"Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts"

As presented on the 6/27/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Instead of a whistle, uses a tuba
9. Can't say the word "buoy" without laughing hysterically
8. You see him stuffing his trunks with jellyfish
7. Sits with back to the ocean
6. Just married a C.P.R. dummy
5. The gold crown and the flowing velvet cape
4. Sees a guy drowning and says, "sorry, pal -- I just ate lunch, so I've got to wait half an hour."
3. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- chlorine
2. She keeps breaking into David Hasselhoff's house.
1. He's wearing nothing but a whistle.