Men Jokes

---

 

This is really two pages in one. Since I really didn't want to make two pages for this I'm going to mix it. The jokes below are to meant only for men, and the other half are to make fun of them...(I'm so so so sorry but, when you are around as many females as I am, you HAVE make a page like this. Hi Natasha!) Anyway, Guys forgive me for the cracks against us, but enjoy the ones for us. And after this go and read the blonde jokes or go lay down, watch a game and have your self a nice cold one... Pepsi that is.J

Funny for men:

A Man's Desires

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.

So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.

She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

Get a Pen and paper for this one:

Male Questionnaire

1.In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 

2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers 

3.You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sports Center 

4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 

5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex is with
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra 

6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate 

7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron 

8.Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride 

9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU." 

10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place 

Results:

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. 
If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused. 
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You da MAN!" 

Restroom Etiquette

First Annual Choose-A-Urinal(tm) Challenge!

Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There *is* a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.

An X above the number will indicate "in use."

(Sample):

| _ | _ | x | _ | _ | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 are occupied.)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck!

Easy Section

1.)

| _ | x | _ | x | _ | _ | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.

2.)

| x | _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | (Urinal 1 occupied.)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

Kind-of-Tricky Section:

3.)

| _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | (empty)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___ __

Correct answer: 1 or 6 - You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."

4.)

| _ | x | _ | x | _ | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 1 - You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.

Subtle, Tricky, But Important-to-Know Section

5.)

| _ | x | _ | _ | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!

VERY-Tricky-Indeed Section

6.)

| x | x | _ | _ | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___

Correct answer: NONE! - You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD--for God's sake, use a doored stall!

Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.

-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.

-- NO Singing. Period.

-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."

Okay like every guy out there, I know that women give men these little points. We do something right we might (if we are lucky) get 1 or 2 points. But if we are wrong (and even by a little bit) its like -10,000,000,000. So here is a little chart to help you out.  You can thank me later.

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car ....+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station ....-1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb ....+1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away ....-1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish ....+1
You leave dishes in the sink ....-1
You leave them under the bed ....-5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings ....+5
But return with beer ....-5
You leave the toilet seat up ....-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ....0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ....-2

You make the bed ....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ....-1

You check out a suspicious noise at night ....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ....+5
You pummel it with a six iron ....+10
It's her father ....-10

*** Social Engagements ***

You stay by her side the entire party ....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy ....-2
Named Tiffany ....-4
Tiffany is a dancer ....-6
Tiffany has implants ....-8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly ....+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump ....-5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" ....+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" ....-6
That woman is her sister ....-90

You have one drink, and that's it ....0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle ....-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted ....-18

*** Saturday Afternoon ***

You go to the mall together ....+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car ....+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar ....-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it ....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional ....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ....+3
Most of it chips and beer ....-6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den ....+15
Or refinishing the floors ....+16
Or rewiring the basement ....+17
Or adding a second floor ....+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket ....-6
And you're tickled pink about it ....-15
You visit her parents .... 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ....+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ....-3
And the television is off ....-6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear ....-6
And you didn't even go to college ....-10
And it's not your underwear ....-15

*** Her Birthday ***

You take her out to dinner ....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar ....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ....-10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player ....+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing ....+4
If you stink ....+2
If you're not half bad ....+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause ....-2
You give her a gift ....0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance ....-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ....+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate ....+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months ....+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day ....-10
With her credit card ....-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big ....-40

*** Thoughtfulness ***

You forget her birthday completely ....-10
You forget your anniversary ....-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station ....-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey ....-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ....-50

*** A Night Out With The Boys ***

Go out with a pal ....-5
And the pal is happily married .....-4
Or frighteningly single ....-7
And he drives a Trans Am ....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ....-15

You have a few beers ....-9
And miss curfew by an hour ....-12
You get home at 3 am ....-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ....-30
And not wearing any pants ....-40
Is that a tattoo?? ....-200

*** Her Night Out ***

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying friend from work ....+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late ....+10
You wait up ....+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed ....+20

*** A Night At Home ***

You watch TV together .... 0
You rent a movie ....+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY ....+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout ....+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep ....-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool ....-2

*** A Night Out ***

You take her to a movie ....+2
You take her to a movie she likes ....+4
You take her to a movie you hate ....+6
You take her to a movie you like ....-2
It's called DeathCop 3 ....-3
Which features cyborgs having sex ....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ....-15

*** Flowers ***

You buy her flowers only when it's expected .... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ....+15
And she contracts Lyme disease ....-25

*** Your Physique ***

You develop a noticeable potbelly ....-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ....-5

*** Finances ***

You spend a lot of money on something impractical ....-5
Something she can't use ....-10
Such a motorized model airplane ....-20
And your kid needs braces ....-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces ....-120

*** Driving ***

You lost the directions on a trip ....-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost ....-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ....-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal ....-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt ....-60

*** The Big Question ***

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ....-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding ....-10
You reply, where?" ....-25

*** Communication ***

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ....0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ....+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ....+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ....-10

Below are the 5 questions we hate to answer right? Well thanks to me, and a lot of my poor dear friends who answered wrong we have came up with the best answer.. these will always work until women read this page or they come up with something new ether way. These wont work for more then 4 days after I post them...

Making fun of men

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut. 

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time. 

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out. 

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can understand them. 

Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity. 

If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there? 

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in! 

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay! 

Q: Why are men like kitchen tiles?
A: if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life! 

Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: All the good ones are taken, and all that's left are the handicapped ones. 

Q: What's that ugly lump of flesh called on the end of a penis?
A: A man. 

Q: How is a man unlike a government bond?
A: Government bonds will someday mature. 

Q: What is the perfect man?
A: A gingerbread man... He's sweet, he's quiet and if he gives you any crap, you can bite his head off! 

Q: Why do men float better than women?
A: 'Cause men are scum! 

Q: Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
A: So they can get some air to their brains. 

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love. 

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river. 

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? 

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you. 

Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. 

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: one... men will screw anything. 

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?
A: So they can tell if their Coming or Going... 

So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam replies, "The good news." God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?" And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time." 

The Smartest Man In The World
There were 3 people in a crashing plane: The smartest man in the world, the president and a little girl. And there were only two parachutes. The smartest man stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life - you take the last parachute." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry - we can both have one, the smartest man took my backpack." 

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. 

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex? 

A man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man ? 

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...A prick is the guy who owns it. 

Behind every great man is a great woman ... and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass! 

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich. 

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It's for Dickheads! 

Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel. 

A friend of mine used alcohol as a substitute for women. You know what happened? He got his penis stuck in the neck of the bottle! 

Men are like bagpipes... You won't get anything unless you blow them first. 

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it. 

Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain! 

What's the definition of a bastard?
A man who boinks you all night with a 2 inch penis, then kisses you good-bye with a 12 inch tongue. 

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
Cause their balls show.

Woman to woman rules about men

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 

If you need attention, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. 

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. 

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. 

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. 

Men are like portable heaters that snore. 

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. 

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks."
On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." 

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. 

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. 

When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 

All men would still really like to own a train set. 

A poem a got from the net

The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

okay that's it, my eyes freaking hurt. if you want more go here http://www.voiceone.com/html/male.html this is where I got all of them from.. yea I know so what leave me alone...

Brought to you by

Michael Rodriguez

Clickflick® 2001-2001