Well, my fellow Hoomans, it has been a month since last I've been required to write you. In this month I've been sent many many questions, most of them trivial and not even reaching the edge of my intellectual capacities. What I was thinking is that perhaps I should move to the city and live among you Hoomans, to better understand you and fir myself to answer your questions. Perhaps some of you have suggestions to me as to where is best to live? But enough about me. I now must blatantly mock your stupid questions.
Kim Winter: "What's the weirdest question you were ever asked?"
Answer: This dude once asked me to write this column where I answer questions from (mostly) illeterate Hoomans... I mean, what's the deal with that?
Steve Milkowski: "What do Halflings taste like?"
Answer: Remember when you were a kid and you used to pick your nose or ear and then eat it? Yeah...? Well you're one sick and disgusting little Hooman, you make me sick. They taste like chicken.
Ungrak,
I heard that you have just returned from a human haunting expedition. I was thinking of mounting one myself, as I become more and more bored during the last winters, and I wanted to ask you what kind of things I need to take with me.
Dirk, Red dragon.
Third cave from the top,
mountain of doom.
P.S.: Don't use a delivery service for the reply please. I lose alot of mail that way (grin).
Dear Mr. Dragon,
First, I wanted to thank you for sending this message. It's been good to hear from superior beings rather than these lowly Humans who can't even write a letter properly, let alone spell or punctuate. However I believe you have erred, I do not tend to haunt Humans; that's your kind's job. I simply hunt them down in the forest and eat them.
However, should you wish to try hunting all you need is a website which tells them to write you letters. While they toil around, looking at the keyboard and going 'Duh....' you sneak up behind them, hit them on the head with a large club and drag them back home.
Ungrak,
I just wanted to ask you which painting company should I use to paint my cave nicely.
Borak,
Cyclop's R us.
Dear Borak,
It's nice to hear from your neighbours once in a while, and indeed I have noticed that your cave has been looking rather dull lately. I usually paint mine myself, but you can use any of the various companies offered to us. If you use Human companies they even give you free lunch.
Just make sure they don't paint anything too three dimensional, eh?
Lastly, if you want to, send me more questions using the box below. Or you could come and visit me and ask them in person... I get very hun-- err... lonely at times.
Sealed with a Hooman skull;
Yours, Ungrak.
| Want to ask Ungrak a question? |
| Want to know why goblins don't bark? Or why paladins prefer broadswords? Ungrak will have a funny answer for you. |