Dear Hoomans and other food ingrediants,
My name is Ungrak, and I am a Troll. I will be writing this column because one of my favorite Hoomans (he has the tendency to come to my cave when I'm full) has told me that you Hoomans just don't understand us Trolls, and asked me if I could write a column, where I would answer any question you have. At first I refused, naturally... I mean, speaking to my food is madness, let alone writing to it. But as he showed me some of your questions, I agreed. For there is nothing worse than an uneducated breakfast. I will now kill a hamster while answering your questions:
Goroth: Can Dwarves fly?
Answer: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?! And they call US uncivilized!
Joel Peisinger: I'm interested in AD&D and Birthright info, any ideas?
Answer: AD&D?! Sweet Thor, father of all things! You think I have AD&D?! But I've been so careful; I only ate healthy Hoomans, and cleaned them first! Why, oh why would I be inflicted with this so dreadful sounding illness!... Oh, and as for Birthright... I am reminded of the great Gochlax, who said: "Unless you are me, a beautiful woman or a fat Hooman named Supper, you have no right to be born."
Lord Soth: why Elves have pointed ears?
Answer: Let me reply with a question of my own. When you eat a corn cob, doesn't it burn your hands? Don't you use special holders you stick on the sides?... Well, us Trolls are more advanced than you inferior non-sentient-meat-eating Hoomans. We have made sure our food has natural holders.
Ori: how much i q u have
Answer: Well, quite a few! I mean, in this sentence alone I had at least one of each kind! I have so much of them that I carelessly throw them around in sentences, along with my A's and F's and K's... Sometimes I think how lucky I am, and then think of other poor people who don't have as much Q's and I's as I do. You know, someone should open a charity, distributing I's, F's, K's and A's to anyone who needs them. They could even send some in capital form, as I see you lack.
Paz86: U love vampires?
Answer: That is a sad question, my dear Hooman. My dearest, dearest friend U has recently been killed by a sentient sword. I don't remember if he had a particular fondness toward Vampire's, but I do remember the last thing he ever said: "Hay der, hooman! Gimme dat tootpik!"... I still think they have some philosophical meaning I couldn't understand... Anyone?
Lastly, if you want to, send me more questions using the box below. Or you could come and visit me and ask them in person... I get very hun-- err... lonely at times.
Sealed with a Hooman skull;
Yours, Ungrak.
| Want to ask Ungrak a question? |
| Want to know why goblins don't bark? Or why paladins prefer broadswords? Ungrak will have a funny answer for you. |