Redemption
by Aeanagwen
Were they even reincarnated, I wonder? The Suzaku seishi have found their way to this world. Have my seishi, the Seiryuu seishi, done the same? We've seen no sign of them. Miaka's seishi somehow were drawn to her. Why hasn't the same happened to Nakago and the others? Have they not been reborn here? Why not? Were they somehow less deserving of their happiness? Tamahome told me once what he saw when he killed Nakago. Surely the others suffered somhow as well. What celestial being deemed himself worthy of judging MY seishi? Have they not been reborn because they don't deserve that? Were they sentanced to hell because of their deeds? God, that's so unfair. If it's true, however--where will I be sent when I die, I wonder?
Maybe I'm being too emotional. Perhaps they were never reborn because they're happier wherever it is they are now. Perhaps they were finally granted peace in death, and do not wish to return to the harsh life they left behind. If so, who am I to wish that they could be reincarnated here? That's selfish of me.
There is a third possibility. Perhaps they HAVE been reborn. And perhaps they ARE happy. If so, there is no point in stirring up old rivalries, is there? There is too much bad blood between Miaka's seishi and mine. If my Seiryuu seishi are happy in their current lives, I shouldn't wish to disturb them from the happiness they earned long ago.
But I wish I could see them. I'm always a bit envious when I see Miaka surrounded by Taka and the others. Could I ever be so happy with my warriors? Perhaps not. Perhaps that ignorance, the emptiness of NOT KNOWING--whether my seishi are happy, whether they could be happy with me--is my penance. So many uncertainties. I wish I could be as careless as Miaka, and as quick to forget. For as much as I wish to see my seishi, I believe I would also be frightened of them. Who wouldn't be? I don't delude myself as to what they were. But neither can I console myself in the belief that they were evil and deserve to suffer, as some of the Suzaku seem content to believe.
It will always be difficult for us, won't it? There's no escaping that. I suppose I should adjust to it. It's so unfair. Why did I suffer? Why did they? Did we commit some crime in another life that was so detestable? Or are the gods simply that cruel? I don't know what to believe anymore. I've never known what to believe. That's why Nakago was able to use me so easily.
My doubt and uncertainty. My fear. They are with me still. They always will be. Perhaps I can be relieved of them someday, if I ever see my seishi again. Or perhaps I will simply have to live this way for the rest of my life.
And then what? After I have died? A reunion? Or another penance? At least I will KNOW. I'd give anything for that, if I could only KNOW.
If only someone would tell me. Show me the way. The way, for them and for me. To redemption. To peace.