Reassurance
Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi and characters, plotlines, etc, aren't mine.
Author's Notes: This is a brief, angst-filled Yui/Suboshi ficlet. Beware the flying fluff!
This is one of the few things I've written that I really, really liked, so...wow. Ok.
Dedication: For Nathan. ^_^ Thanks, sweetie.
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I roll over. The bed that was so soft when I arrived seems lumpy and
uncomfortable. I sigh, knowing it will be another sleepless night. I stand to
look out the window at the dark countryside below. Above me, the moon
shines a brighter yellow than usual.
It's the memories. Those damn memories. Hands grabbing, pulling, ripping
at me. Tearing...my voice crying for help...I shake my head, trying to
rid myself of the images. Their ugly faces leering at me from the alley,
peeking at my bare legs and form-fitting uniform. They grab my breasts,
kiss my mouth, tear my shirt. I shake my head again, simultaneously
trying to forget and not scream at myself.
My mind never stops. It goes and goes and goes. Everything goes at top
speed. It almost as if I know that if I stop thinking, even for a moment,
all will be lost, and it will all catch up to me. I can't let that happen. I don't
want to think about those hands anymore, those mouths, my harsh
screams. A tear drips onto my leg. I hadn't even realized I was crying.
I stop for a moment, and look down at the scar on
my wrist. Just a thin line, paler than the rest of my skin. It's
strange, I think, how it has such power over me, over my entire being.
That's when I hear the knock on the door. I turn, surprised and slightly
frightened. I'm always frightened lately.
"Yui-sama?" The voice comes as the door slips open. A tousled head of
light brown hair, earnest grey-blue eyes.
"Suboshi," I say softly, relief evident in my voice. I stiffen though,
wondering what he wants, especially at this time of night. "What is it?"
I ask him, suddenly painfully aware of how short my shirt is. I tug it
down slightly, trying not to be too obvious about it.
"I-uh..." He steps inside, shutting the door behind him. I flinch
slightly at the noise it makes as it shuts. "I heard you crying. I
wanted to make sure you were alright." He smiles slightly at me from
across the room. It's a nice a smile, earnest, and willing. It makes me
want to hug him again, to tell him all my troubles. But I can't.
"No, it's nothing. I'm fine, Suboshi. Go back to sleep," I say, eager to
get rid of him, trying to be strong. I can't fall for any of my seishi,
can't care about any of them.
"That's a lie, Yui-sama," he says, his voice taking on a soft, caring
quality I find scary. He steps across the room and puts a hand on my
tear-stained cheek. "See? Your cheek is all wet. You've been crying.
What's wrong?"
I would love to tell him what's wrong, to have him hold me safely in his
arms and tell me that it's alright, no one will ever hurt me again. But
I don't. I step back, and turn back towards the window, where the night
air is cool and safe. "I'm fine, Suboshi. Just...had a bad dream, is
all." That's close to the truth.
"Alright, Yui-sama, if that's what you say." He looks upset that I won't
tell him what's really wrong, but knows he'd be overstepping his
boundaries to ask again.
"Why do you care so much, anyway?" I ask softly, not even meaning to.
"No one cares about me. Nakago says he does, but I know the truth...He
only loves what I can do for him, not me. Why does it matter so much to
you?"
I feel arms around my waist and flinch at his touch. "Because I love
you, Yui-sama," he says softly into my ear. I can't take it. This is, in
its own way, what I've always wanted. But I know, deep down, that I
can't have it. He's so devoted to me; it's teenage infatuation, or, if
it goes any deeper, it is the love of a seishi for his miko. It's not
what I want at all. Gently, I push him towards the door, disentangling
myself from his grasp.
"No, Suboshi. Not now, not ever. I can't," I say, opening the door. "I
can't love you. And you-you can't love me." I push him, with his
bewildered look, out the open door, then shut it softly. I go back to
stand under the window. "No one can love me..."
I can't sleep. I can't ever sleep when I hear her rolling over like
that. I'm next door, after all, and the walls of Kutou palace are thin.
I know she will spend another night looking at the moon and another day
being a grump. I can't stand it.
I'm not as young as they think me to be. I handled Aniki's death, didn't I?
I killed Tamahome's family. I did it all. I even found the courage to tell
Yui-sama how I feel. Not that she cares.
'Great,' I think, getting out of bed. 'Another night of listening to her
sit and think, then wait until she's asleep and put her in her bed
before I can get any rest.' As much as I care for Yui-sama, sometimes,
she really does irritate me. Why does she torture herself like this,
thinking of Nakago and Tamahome and everyone else, especially when she
knows I'm here, and I love her. I love her just as she is. My whole
being cries out for her sometimes, and I have to silence myself with a
pinch on the arm. I hear her sigh. I walk over to the wall and lean
against it, curious. I wonder if she'll sit up half the night or if
it'll be one of those nights when she falls asleep more easily.
That's when I hear something new. She's crying. Normally, she doesn't
cry, at least not at night. No, at night she's strong. She's alone, but
she never cries at night. Never lets anyone see that side of her. I lean
closer to the wall, and hear her quiet sobs. I can't help it, and before
I know what I'm doing, my robe is on and I'm knocking at her door.
"Yui-sama?" I ask, peeking in. She sits by the window, the silvery glow
of the moon making her more beautiful than she normally is, glittering
lightly on the tears going down her cheeks.
"Suboshi," she says my name, stiffening, but obviously glad I'm not
Nakago. I love hearing her say my name like that. Like she needs me. But
then she's all business again. "What is it?" She asks, pulling her shirt
down in a subconcious manner, as if trying to keep me from seeing her
legs. I wonder why. I realise she asked me a question. I stutter to
think of an answer.
"I-uh..." I step inside her room, shutting the door gently behind
myself. Gods, what am I thinking? Seiryuu help me if I screw this
up..."I heard you crying," I say as she flinches at the shut door. "I
wanted to make sure you were alright." I smile, to make sure she knows
I'm harmless, that I'm not like those men. I know about them; they will
pay someday.
"No, it's nothing. I'm fine Suboshi, go back to sleep," she says,
obviously trying to get rid of me. Inwardly, I cringe, feeling slightly
deflated. Those tears...
"That's a lie, Yui-sama," I say softly, my voice betraying my feelings
towards her yet again. Dammit, why am I so expressive? I find myself
stepping across the room and rubbing a hand on her cheek. The skin is
soft, but damp from her tears. "See? Your cheek is all wet. You've been
crying. What's wrong?" I can tell from her expression that she wants to
tell me. I can also tell that she won't. Damn. She turns back to the
window. Someday she's going to catch a chill, wearing that thin shirt in
the chilly night air.
"I'm fine, Suboshi. Just...had a bad dream, is all." I know she's lying.
"Alright, Yui-sama, if that's what you say." Damn. I've screwed up
again, somehow. Why is it I always manage to muck this up. I know I
can't ask her again, and I can't make her tell me, and that makes me
want to shake her violently.
"Why do you care so much, anyway?" She asks me, and I can tell from the
look on her face that she never meant for that to come out of her mouth.
"No one cares about me. Nakago says he does, but I know the truth...He
only loves what I can do for him, not me. Why does it matter so much to
you?"
I can't help it. My emotions always ruled me. I've always been the
feeler, Aniki's always been the thinker. My arms are around her waist
before I know what's happening. She flinches, and I rest my head on her
shoulder. I've always dreamed of holding her like this. "Because I love
you, Yui-sama," the words are out of my mouth before I know it. I can't
help it; this fire inside me...She twists out of my grasp, gently
pushing me towards the door.
"No, Suboshi. Not now, not ever. I can't," she says as she opens the
door. "I can't love you. And you-you can't love me." Unceremoniously, I
find myself pushed into the hall, completely puzzled. Things were just
going so well...oh, damn, I screwed up again, somehow. I'm always
messing this kind of stuff up. She shuts the door and I hear her walk
back to the window. "No one can love me..." I hear as I head back next
door. I remove my robe and hang it in the closet, then climb back into
bed.
'Yui-sama...' She is my last thought as I drift off to sleep.