A Yui interlude.
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.
 

 
          In the darkened room I sat down heavily on my bed and sighed, my head spinning, my mind a whirl of questions. I was confused, I was frightened…I couldn't think straight.
          I hate it when I can't think straight.
          Nakago's kiss still tingled heavily on my lips, and I could feel his ice blue eyes looking into mine, his face almost…gentle as he pressed his lips to me. I suppose I should have been shocked, but there had simply been a feeling of resignment that washed over me. There was no passion in that kiss, only a cold and formal efficiency which I knew only all too well.
          Nakago didn't love me. I didn't know if he loved Soi or not, but he didn't love me. And if he thought he could manipulate me and twist me around his finger as he did with the other Seiryuu seishi, he was wrong.
          I jumped off the bed and started pacing around the room. The moon had risen and white light poured in through the window, turning everything ghostly pale. It was like a dream, this whole mad and terrible adventure in a fairyland gone wrong.
          All I wanted now was to go home. Forget calling Seiryuu, forget Miaka. She could stay in this hell-hole for all I cared. I wanted to sleep in my own bed, eat fast food, watch TV, go to school, take a hot shower. I wanted my world.
          What will it take…to bring me home?
          I stopped my pacing at the window, resting my chin on my folded arms and gazing at the moon. Stars twinkled in the distance and unconciously my eyes wandered to pick out the seven constellations of my seishi. Suboshi had showed them to me once. I had been surprised at his sudden appearance in the garden where I was sitting to clear my own thoughts, and even more surprised at his friendly gesture and voice. Suboshi was a Seiryuu seishi, ruthless, unfeeling, cold. He was never friendly.
          But yet he'd sat there with me, telling me about life in the palace, showing me the Seiryuu stars, talking to me as if I was a friend instead of his miko. It was strange, as if we shared a common bond in our loneliness. Even more strange that I had made no attempt to push him away that night.
          But yet he'd known love in his brother. Tamahome had Miaka. I, on the other hand, had no one. I had never had anyone to love me.
          I laughed bitterly, pulling away from the window and going back to lean against the bed. It was stupid to think that anyone would ever love me, as I was. I was not worthy of love.
          A clatter as the jar left his outstretched hands and fell back against the path. Arms against me, hands grasping mine. Kissing me.
          "Yui-sama. You must believe me. I love you, Yui-sama!"
          I shook my head, ridding it of the memory. Suboshi knew nothing of love, only a fifteen year old boy's hormonal instincts. That was all.
          You can cry…as much as you want.
          What did I…
          I didn't know what I felt for him. Something between sisterly affection and appreciation for a servant, perhaps. Certainly not friendship, and never love. How could I love one of my own seishi? They lived to serve me, and might even die for me, as Amiboshi had. I couldn't take that chance.
          I didn't want anyone to share my pain. Suboshi least of all.
          I crossed the room and rummaged in the clothes chest for my nightgown. My fingers brushed something soft and silky and gossamer. Bringing up into the moonlight. My miko ceremonial dress….the one which I had to wear when calling Seiryuu.
          Fingering the soft material, I felt a chill run through me. It seemed too easy to say, calling Seiryuu, but the more I thought about it the less I wanted to do it.
          All I want to do is go home…
          A knock on the door. "Yui-sama?"
          I dropped the dress, threw my nightgown hurriedly over me. Sighed. "What is it?"
          The door opened slightly, and a tousled blond head looked in. "Yui-sama?"
          "Suboshi, what are you doing here?"
          He looked sheepish. "I was just…uh…checking to see how you were."
          I sighed in exasperation. Normally I would have berated him for being up so late, but I had no energy left. "You should be in bed."
          "Are you all right?"
          "Nani?" I frowned at him. "I'm fine."
          He looked down at his toes, shuffling his feet. "I umm…saw. Today."
          "Saw what?" I asked, a feeling of dread rising in my chest.
          "Uh…" he sounded nervous and frightened. "You…and Nakago-sama. Doing…well. You know."
          I whirled away from him, my hands clenching.
          "Yui-sama?"
          "What-" I began, my voice a hoarse choke in my throat. "What right have you to bring that up?"
          I heard him back away. "Uh…gomen nasai…"
          Closing my eyes, I felt the beginning of tears. Damn Nakago. What right had he to do that to me in the first place? It was not fair.
          "It's not fair," I whispered. "Not fair."
          "Yui-sama…Yui…"
          My head jerked up. Had he just addressed me without a title?
          He must have realized his mistake as I turned slowly around to face him, for he blinked and swallowed. "Yui-sama. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone."
          I tried to laugh but it came out in a throaty cough. "What, who would you tell? Miboshi?"
          "Well, I-"
          "Go to bed, Suboshi."
          He closed his eyes and a little sigh escaped his lips. In the moonlight he looked so young and helpless. The ryuuseisui tucked into his belt belied that, but still he looked like a child.
          "If you say so, Yui-sama." He started to walk away.
          "No. Wait."
          He stopped, looking at me with puzzled eyes.
          "Does Soi know?"
          He didn't have to ask what I was referring to. "I'm sure she does. Nakago-sama doesn't keep anything from her, and besides, she has her own ways of finding out things."
          "I see." I felt strange standing there in my nightgown, with bare feet, in front of Suboshi. The moon highlighted his hair with white streaks and his blue eyes were shadowed. He looked tired, I realized. The recent events must have drained him. Didn't Nakago say that Tomo was dead?
          "Suboshi?"
          "Yes, Yui-sama?"
          I don't know why the question popped into my mind. Perhaps the combination of exhaustion and the milky moonlight and the fact that he was a living, breathing being who didn't hate me, for once.
          "Why…why do you keep doing this?"
          "Doing what?"
          "For me…being so kind…"
          He smiled, a bit sadly. "You know why. I love you, Yui-sama."
          I shook my head. "No you don't. You can't…you don't even know me. How can you love someone you don't know?"
          He stepped closer, and from where I stood I could see the haunted look in his eyes. "I do know you, Yui-sama. Because…you're just like me."
          I couldn't breathe. "Wha-what are you talking about?"
          He stood before me and his lips parted. I thought he was going to answer. Instead, he leaned down and kissed me.
          I stood stunned, meaning to push him away, and yet…he was warm and his kiss was full of fire and meaning, something Nakago's or Tamahome's never had. He tasted like salt and sweetness at once, like wind and storm and sea.
          His arms came around me and I stopped trying to fight him.
          After a long while he broke away, both of us breathing rapidly, staring at each other in the moonlight. I couldn't read his expression.
          "I promised my aniki I'd always be there for him," he said in an almost inaudible whisper. Gone was the clumsy boy I was used to seeing. This was a man who stood before me, a man bound to me by our kindred ties of sorrow. "I promised…and I failed. So I'll protect you now, in his place."
          I searched my mind for words. "Why?" I said.
          He smiled, though I could see his eyes glimmered with tears. "Because…I love you. Because I was born to love you."
          Stepping away from me, he walked to the door. Looked back. "Oyasumi…Yui."
          I sat down on the bed, my legs weak. It was strange and wonderful and frightening at the same time, and I felt dizzy. I didn't love him. I couldn't.
          He was mistaken. He had to be mistaken. It was the only answer.
          Because…I love you. Because I was born to love you.
          You're wrong, Suboshi. You shouldn't love me…no one should be destined to love me. Because I will only give you pain.
          Forget about me.
          Lying there on the wide bed in the darkened room, with moonlight streaming in through the tall window, I wept.

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