Memoirs- Part Three

A Crawford/Nagi Fanfic

by Dreamwalker

Notes: This is a make-over fic of a Frank Moorehouse short story of a similar title. Yes, I am a shotakon hentai ^_^ and no, I don’t hate Crawford. Hope you enjoy the fic. C&Cs are welcome: [email protected]

****************************

The dream came to me vague yet at the same time lucid— a confused array of images whose meaning was nevertheless curiously clear. I woke up bathed in cold sweat, revulsion coiling my stomach.

I thought I had forgotten.

I was wrong.

*****

We met two years ago at a gathering, one of those endless black-tie affairs. I was sitting on a sofa in a far corner of the room, nursing a glass of champagne, temporarily forgotten. I was of little use there, the event being more of a business rather than the usual social gathering. In fact, there were only a handful of us "boys" present, all looking lost and out-of-place. Brad was nowhere in sight. I sat in my corner brooding and for the hundredth time wishing he hadn’t taken me along. He had already told me that night that I was to stay home but at the last minute changed his mind. It was strange seeing him like that, all troubled and undecided.

In the twilight circle, he was known as G—. Of course, that wasn’t his real name. Behind the closed doors of those VIP rooms and swank private bars, no one would dare address each other by their real names. Before that night, I knew him only by reputation. He could get things done—for the right price.

He had caught my attention the moment he arrived. From my isolated corner of the room I saw him step through the door, an unattractive specimen of a man, tall although a little on the heavy side. He had a slightly disproportioned skull, his jutting forehead emphasized by a prematurely receding hairline. There was nothing elegant about him, no look of distinction which for the most part can be found in most of the men in the room. But the way he moved, the way his eyes would roam around—exacting, all-encompassing—told me he was not one to be underestimated.

I watched him from where I sat, watched him swagger around with that phony smile pasted on his greasy, pock-marked face. He saw me, caught me watching him, as his eyes scanned the room a second time. Our gazes locked and I noted distastefully how his eyes raked over me, stroking me with its invisible touch.

*****

The night air blew in from the open window cooling the sweat on my skin. I was shivering, but not from the cold. I glanced at the clock. It was 1:45 am.

I reached over, picked up the phone, and dialed his number.

One ring.

Two rings.

"Hello?"

His voice came through the line, strong and clear. I felt the tension in my stomach ease.

"It’s me," I said softly.

A brief silence and then, "Nagi."

"I…I was just…did I wake you?"

A sigh. "No. I wasn’t asleep. Why? What’s wrong?"

I fiddled with the cord, twining it around my fingers, suddenly unsure. He had told me once before, though not directly, that I wasn’t to call him in his house—their house. He mentioned it once but never made it clear. There was no reason to. He knew I wouldn’t put him through the risk. But now this. Why did I call? No reason. I just wanted to hear his voice. It was a stupid move.

I heard a sound in the background. A female voice. She was still up.

"Uh, nothing. It’s nothing. I’m sorry."

Click.

I hung up on him.

I drew the sheets up around me and hugged my knees to my chest, afraid to fall asleep, afraid of the dreams.

****

The door opened slowly and I heard someone step into the room. I didn’t have to turn to know who it was.

There was a clicking sound as the door slid shut. Locked.

"So, I finally got you all to myself."

"You know who I am?" I asked from my place by the window where I stood with my back turned.

A chuckle. "Yes. I know who you are."

I turned to face him. "Then you know what this is about."

"Of course," he said, already beginning to undo his tie as he walked towards me. "How many votes do you need?"

I was silent for a moment. The truth was, Brad never said anything about him, never mentioned him to me. In fact, this little rendezvous was not necessary at all. But I knew he needed four votes. That four votes would make all the difference for him.

I felt my skin crawl with disgust as G-- began take off his clothes. His paunch bulged grotesquely, hanging over his blue cotton briefs. I felt bile rise up my throat. Suddenly, I wanted out.

"Five," I said, looking him straight in the eye. Three was a high enough number. Even with his influence, I doubt he could give me five.

He straightened up slowly, eyes meeting my challenging gaze.

"Ah, five…"

He swaggered across the room half-naked to the room’s mini-bar and poured himself a glass of scotch.

He watched me warily as he drank and I turned away, hating the look in those dull gray eyes.

"You drive a hard bargain, Nagi Naoe."

My eyes flicked back towards him sharply. He caught the surprised expression in my face before I was able to mask it. I saw his lips curve up slightly.

There in the twilight circle, where men hide themselves behind closed doors and phony identities, the "boys" were just "boys." We had no names.

"Does he make you do it?"

My expression hardened. "No. He doesn’t make me do anything. I’m here because I want to be here."

"Ah, I see." He put down his glass, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. "Then he’s one lucky bastard."

He walked up to me. "Five?" He tipped my chin up with a pudgy finger, studying my face. "I guess it’s worth it. I hear you’re the best. You’ll give me what I want, won’t you angel? I’ve never had anyone as pretty as you." His hand slid down my ass, giving it a cruel squeeze.

He chuckled as he felt me tense up. "Ah, yes angel…I’ll teach you a thing or two tonight. It’ll be something you won’t forget."

**********

There were limitations to what I was willing to do. I wasn’t helpless—I never was. I could have stopped him, it would have been of no consequence. It would have been easy to say no, easier to walk out the door. But I didn’t.

Ah...such a selfless gesture, a generous act…

Who was I kidding?

The clandestine meeting, the solicited votes…they weren’t for Brad—they were for me.

You must realize, living with him had not been easy. Those last few months before he left me, he was almost always never home. At one point I began to wonder if he had found someone new—someone younger, better—and for the first time, I was able to put myself in Schuldich’s shoes. No wonder he hated me so much. He would have done anything for Brad. But there was never any competition, I was picked by default. Young, passive, experienced—what more could he ask?—I was perfect for the job.

There was no new boy, however. In truth, all there was, was nothing. I remember the last few months to be unusually long. Not surprising since it was spent sitting around the apartment, mostly forgotten, remembered only when he had use of me. But even that wasn’t very often. He was always busy with work and when he was home, he wanted his time only for rest.

I didn’t impose, didn’t demand. After all, ours was meant only to be a business relationship. And just because there were times when he would act as if it were something more, it didn’t earn me the right to complain. I had gone into this thinking I knew full well what it entailed. It’s only now that I realize how blind I had been, seeing things the way I wanted to see them and refusing to take them for what they really were.

But what was I to do? With Taketori dead and Estet destroyed—

That first time…

—Schwarz was crumbling, falling apart.

…the way he touched me,…

All I could say is that—

…it changed everything.

—he came to me at an opportune time.

He was…

The choice wasn’t difficult—

…a balm that soothes the hurt.

—it was all about surviving, —

He has marked me…

—a decision I had to make.

…I am his.

This time though, I knew what was coming, what the silence meant. He didn’t have to say it for me to know. He was moving out of the circle. I had suspected as much the moment he—we—stopped attending the gatherings.

On one hand, it was supposed to be a good thing. Had I wanted to, I couldn’t just go up to him and say, "I’m done, I’m through. I want out." No, that would have been out of the question. And so it was a good thing. I should be happy. I should be relieved.

But his leaving the circle meant only one thing to me. It would take away the only excuse I have for staying with him—for being with him.

It wasn’t fair. Two years of living with a man and I was still left in the dark. I could only guess at his plans—if they even included me. The one thing I was certain of was that I didn’t want it to end.

Ah yes, my young, foolish heart. How it yearned for him. How old was I then? Sixteen? It would have been so easy to say I was young, that I just didn’t know better. But if the things that happened then were to happen now, would I have done it differently?

Probably not.

It would have been easier had I known where I stood. Between the two of us, too many things were left unspoken. And a lot of them still are. I spent days worrying, not knowing what to do. Days became weeks and just when I thought it would drag into months, a solution came to me in a glossy piece of monogrammed paper.

I remember it was a Sunday. The cleaning lady always comes on Sundays. Brad was in Sendai on a trip so it was just me and her, and of course the cat—never forget the cat.

I didn’t know what it was at first, when she handed it to me. She said she found it in his coat pocket and thought it best not to throw it away, in case it might be important.

At first glance it looked to be a business card except there was no name. A closer look and I knew what it was: a courtesy card.

I’ve seen it exchanged often enough in the circle. They were used to request for a boy’s services. I had been popular in the circle and had received more cards than most of the boys there. But it was Brad who took care of those for me. He would go over the cards carefully, opting to keep only a few—those with the kind of influence he felt he needed.

Had he not been so frequent in turning down offers, he would have moved up faster in the hierarchy of the circle—it would have earned him more favors. But it was for him to decide, not me. And I could hardly take it against him. After all, it made my job easier for me.

Almost everyone in the circle had a card, and those who had it use it frequently, handing it out freely to whichever boy took their fancy. What else would you expect? Most of them were there for one thing alone although it wasn’t entirely about sex either. The circle has its own politics. Who would ever imagine that the fate of the country’s policies lie in the hands of these seemingly fragile and innocent-looking young boys?

As for Brad, he never had them made. He saw no need for them.

Ah, yes…

He shared his bed with no one—

…I, too, had marked him.

—and slept only with me.

I studied the card carefully, turning it over in my hands. This one I’ve never seen before. It was quite fancy, the paper used expensive. In the center was a single letter, etched elegantly in gold with a bold, flowing stroke: a G. In the bottom was a number and nothing else.

Then, a sudden flash of recollection—

...dull gray eyes, watching me from across the room…

—and in my mind, a plan.

Thanking the cleaning lady, I pocketed the card.

**********

When I woke up, he was gone. I opened my eyes to find myself alone in the room. I stared at the ceiling, unable to move. My arms and legs felt heavy and I hurt everywhere.

The way he touched me, it felt dirty and cheap. His preferences were repulsive, his tastes obscene.

But how I yielded to it.

It was shameful how I clung to him, like a bitch in heat. I’ve no excuse for it nor do I deny it. He must have seen it in me. That hunger. That need.

Oh yes, I tried resisting, but only at first.

His hands, his mouth, his cock—rough, cruel, demanding.

How he made me cry out, nails digging at his back, pleading, urging.

The carnal coupling, the pleasure-pain. I embraced it, took it all. His consuming lust overwhelmed me, a drug I could not resist. It was exciting, liberating—fulfilling. I came so hard spots danced in my eyes.

As the images once again flashed across my mind, it came—that vile feeling—rising at the back of my throat.

I didn’t think I'd be able to move fast enough. I got out of bed, running for the bathroom on wobbly legs. Dropping to my knees, I threw up, stomach clenching painfully, cold sweat on my skin.

Now it was over. It was done. I had finished what I came to do.

My muscles ached with the effort but I forced myself to my feet. As I rose I turned my head away, too disgusted to even look myself in the mirror.

I stepped back into the room and began to pick up my clothes which were scattered on the floor. As I did so, something on the bed caught my eye.

By the pillow was a thick wad of bills, laid there carelessly.

Used like a whore. Paid like a whore.

Swallowing the lump that formed in my throat, I began to dress.

*********

When I got back, I found Tabe waiting by the door. Mewing and stretching languidly, she circled around me, rubbing herself up against my legs.

Picking her up, I carried her with me to the room. Entering the bathroom, I turned on the tap to fill the tub. Then, placing her on the bed, Tabe curled into a ball as I began to strip off my clothes. I could still smell him, on my clothes, on my skin. I hadn’t bothered to wash up before I left. With its stained sheets and the reek of sex, I couldn’t bear being in that room a minute longer.

Re-entering the bathroom, I left the door open as I stepped into the tub. A relieved sigh escaped my lips as the hot water eased the aching in my limbs.

Lifting my arms out of the water, I forced myself to inspect the outcome of that night. Bruises had began appearing where he had held me. They ran up along the length of my arm and there were more on my sides, my back, my thighs.

Five days, I thought.

On the cab ride back to the apartment, I decided not to tell Brad after all. All that trouble wasted. But I didn’t care. What I did, it was something I wasn’t proud of . I didn’t want him to know.

He won’t be back till Wednesday. It gave me five days to get rid of the evidence.

Reaching for the sponge, I began scrubbing as hard as I could.

************

The ringing of the phone jarred me awake. Groaning, I rolled over, pulling the pillow over my head, trying to block out the sound.

I felt something rough and moist touch my toes.

Tossing off the pillow, I squinted at the foot of the bed. Tabe was licking my toes and sunlight was streaming inside the room.

It was morning.

The phone was still ringing.

A glance at the clock by the door told me I had gotten only three hours of sleep.

The machine switched on with a beep. Ignoring it, I rolled over to my side, intent on catching more sleep.

Then Brad’s voice came on.

"Nagi? Where are you…?"

I was immediately wide awake.

"…There was a change in schedule…"

His voice sounded distant.

"…the Diet will be convening earlier…"

I must have heard him wrong.

"…I’ll be flying back this afternoon."

No.

"I’ll be home later. "

God, no.

A pause. Some hesitation—

"I can’t wait to get back..."

"...anata ga inakute sabishii".;

~TBC~