Broken Hearts
It's amazing how kids grow up to be so similar to their parents, no matter how distant they may be from them.
My husband and I both work, resulting in these sudden business trips, late nights at the office, and a growing gap between us and our daughter. This was one of the nights that I finally had the chance to come home early. And although exhaustion claimed me once I arrived, there was a pleasant change from the tiring routine I usually go through.
Once I locked the door, I noticed that something was amiss, an emptiness filled the apartment in an odd way; she wasn't home yet. I frowned as I went into the kitchen. No one was there as well. Sighing, I proceeded to make myself a cup of coffee, wistful at what our relationship had turned into. She has turned out to be a lot like me when I was her age, calm, collected, and also distant, more distant by the day...
I tried to remember the last conversation I had with her, and come to think of it, I haven't actually seen her in a day or two! How could I have missed that? Panic started to engulf me, but I had to calm myself, maybe it was just the stress, preventing me from thinking clearly. I know she's alright, she has always been a good girl. Maybe she was staying at a friend's house, like that overly cheerful best friend of her. She's a nice girl, I just hope she doesn't interfere with my daughter's school work...she's going to be fine...I hope...
Two hours later, I was nearly a nervous wreck. Each minute passing by weighting heavily in my heart. My eyes glancing at the door every other moment.
My senses almost went numb, but then, the sound of a key turning in the door startled me. A sullen figure, she made her way lifelessly to her room, her blond tresses matted limply against her forehead, her face shadowed.
"Honey!" I exclaimed, rising from the couch, and making my way toward her.
"Just where have you been? Do you know how worried I was about you?" I tried to hold her, but she brushed me off, her eyes not meeting my gaze.
"Leave me alone." she muttered coldly, slamming the door to her room shut.
I stood where I was, utter confusion claiming my features. My bewilderment was slowly replaced with irritation. Couldn't she realize how worried I was?!
Taking a deep breath, I approached the door, and knocked "Are you alright, dear?" Silence answered me... "What's wrong? What happened? Can't you just open the door and talk to your mother?!"
Mother. The word strucked me as a bit alien. I haven't always been the best mother to her. I tried to provide the best for her, but I never had the chance to be there for her when she needed me. She would have told me what's wrong, but she has no reason to trust a stranger.
Faint sobbing woke me up from my reveries. She was crying, she rarely ever cries, not even when she was younger. I felt for her, each whimper was like a dagger thrust to my heart. Closing my eyes, I opened the door, it wasn't locked after all. When I opened my eyes, the sight of my darling girl greeted me, laying face down on her bed. She rose at the sound of my steps, wiping her tears, brushing her hair away from her eyes, and facing me with the same stony expression she was exhibiting lately.
I sat at the bed next to her, holding myself back from demanding an explanation. She would probably just ignore me as if nothing ever happened.
She opened her mouth to say something, but instead, she held me in a fierce hug and started to cry harder. I wrapped my arms around her, my heart went out to her in that instant. Gradually, she calmed down. I layed her head across my lap, stroking her hair softly.
"It's not fair." she said slowly "Why couldn't it be me? Why did have to be her?" This time she was calm, sounding wistful.
Rei started telling me everything, the cause of her tears. She had moped for days when her bestfriend seemed to be busy lately. She wouldn't tell her the reason for avoiding her. It turned out that Rei's long time crush was interested in her friend all along. They kept dating behind her back, not daring to tell her, fearing of hurting her feelings. I listened to Rei telling me her crushed feelings of being betrayed, by the closest person to her. I kept silent as storm of mixed emotion raided me.
"I know this is stupid. I'm fourteen years old now, I'm not supposed to fall victim for such trifles. This whole thing left me feeling weak and stupid...it's not the end of the world, but it still hurts."
I smiled sadly, she sounded a lot like me at one period of my life.
"It's not fair." she said again, her sobbing ceasing at last.
"No, it's not. But life isn't always fair. You can't always get what you want."
"I feel so ashamed, I couldn't be as strong as you about it."
"Strong..." I muttered, everything in the room fading away from my sight, like I was transported into a dream, aware of reality only by the warmth of Rei, who held to me close.
//Why...were you...why Miaka...?//
I was standing at the entrance at the room, uttering these scattered words,my voice dry, with a trace of anger. There was so much that I wanted to say, but for some reason the words stumbled clumsly, conveying the same meaning nevertheless: Betrayal.
I approached Tamahome, clenching my fists, and barely sustaining myself.
He turned to me with a reassuring smile.
//Tomorrow, Miaka will come for us. All Suzaku seishi have been gathered.
We can finally go back.//
My features were drawn into those of shock. Did he expect me to be happy about it? Did he expect me to face Miaka again, and hand him to her willingly?
//You will be able to see Miaka again.// I heard these words as I ran to him, and held him tightly, burrying my face in his chest, He called my name faintly, sensing the mild shock in his voice, but I didn't care. It
was now or never. I took his hand, and placed it on my breast. I felt my eyes watering slightly...
//I'll give myself to you!// more tears were coming, // I love you, Tamahome! Since the first time I saw you!//
I knew that I barely stood a chance, but he had to know the truth, he had to appreciate my love! I was hoping against hope for his inviting reply. Maybe he'll realize that I was the one all along. Maybe he'll hold me any moment now, maybe...
//Let go of me, Yui.// was the cold reply I got in return. I raised my head and looked him in the eye. I was not letting go without a fight.
//Why!// I demanded //You met Miaka and me at the same time!// I tried to remind him, the memory of our first fateful meeting came back to me. Why did it have to be her? Why did I have to be the victim, suffer all the pain?
//Why didn't you choose me instead of Miaka// I asked, choking on my tears.
Tamahome closed his eyes, and replied only in that unfamiliar cold voice of his, ordering me to let go of him. His face was shadowed, he wouldn't look at me directly, as if he did not aknowledge me. I removed my hand that was holding his, and it dropped limply by his side. All of the sudden, I couldn't move, as if an unknown force was holding me still. Still in shock, tears streamed out of the corner of my eyes, sliding down my cheeks in silver lines. They stung my eyes, but I couldn't move an eyelid to shed them.
//You..you love Miaka that much?// I asked him, wishing for one last chance to deny what I already knew. And yet, I didn't want an answer, one that would destroy all my hopes.
He kept talking about the measure of his love, I didn't want to hear anything anymore, his words were ripping my heart into shreds, but I was paralayzed.
I couldn't close eyes, still wide open, nor ask him to stop killing me slowly. I was shaking by the time he concluded by saying that the only person he could ever love was Miaka. I was no longer looking down, but searching his face, my eyes singing one last plea.
//So, I'm not interested in you that way.//
He killed all the hope in me by that one last sentence. Not being able to face this anymore, I gasped and ran out of the room. I kept on running, my tears blurring everything in view. Humilation, rejection, betrayal, pain, despair, all rummaged through me at once. It was too much for me to handle,leaving me engulfed in deep darkness, and shattering my heart and being into pieces all over again. Throught the past few months, I believe myself not fit to be alive, not fit to be loved, did I actually think that anything
would change now? What was I thinking?
I used to believe that I was strong, a survivor. So why I am proved wrong now? Why does my heart hurt?...
"What is the price of being strong?" I murmured, looking down at Rei. She was already asleep, sighing softly, and probably dreaming by now. That part of my life is over now, no matter how much it affected me, and still does.
Maybe I would tell Rei one day, but for now, my little ice queen will have to learn that there is always a second chance for broken hearts.
~*~
Special dedication to Dreamwalker, and my sweet angel, Akari-chan ^.~
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