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| About me... |
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| Cynic's Dictionary ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work. DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. FIBER: Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood pulp. JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning. LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics. LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot. LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish. MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession. NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money. NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it. POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception. QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor. STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala. STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete. UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork. |