| Names fascinate me. You can tell alot about a person just by knowing their name. If you need something to write about and your an overanalytical scumbag like me, that is. My mother wanted to name me Maxwell, or Max, which of course to me is the ultimate in cool names, but my father obviously thought it made way too much sense to name an infant that looked alot like a mentally retarded seal Max. I still somewhat despise my name today, and I try not to think about it. I know, I know, your thinking, "if you hate your name so much, why are you writing a column about names?" Well, alert reader, the answer to that question is quite simple: I am a complete dolt. But I think names can tell alot about you. For example, let say you were a boxer, and you were given a choice to fight either a guy named Ernie or a guy named Bruno. Totally hypothetical. Who would you choose? Try to mentally picture a guy named Ernie in your head. He looks like an insufferable dweeb, doesn't he? Whereas a normal mental picture of a guy named Bruno tends to look like someone who strangles people regularly and has about half a metric ton of chest hair. Isn't that weird? I dont care if your the biggest badass on the planet, if you had to fight a guy named Bruno, you'd tense up a bit. I'd say Ernie is your best bet. Another thing I find interesting is that on any given sci-fi show, the names dont even sound human. Have you noticed that? Of course, I suppose it would be sort of dumb to see a guy with 10 pounds of makeup on and an elaborate sci-fi costume named Bill. But still, some of these names are ridiculous. It's like they had a guy stand by a delivery table and write down what the woman said during labor. "Uuk? That sounds OK...ah! Worf! Theres a classic! I want Rick Berman on the phone, he's going to love this!" Names also give race and culture away. I realize that this isn't always true, but there are exceptions. You show me a white girl named Shaquiqui, and I'll show you a girl that doesn't exist. Any guy named Sherome is black. Some named reek conservative American. Parker, McKenna, Dylan, Cody, Carson. Anyone named Boyd is a hick; a guy named Jerry is always going to have a great sense of humor. Hear me, Jerry Falwell? Lighten up! Some names are just plain perverted. I realize that it helps to have your mind in the gutter all the time like me, but some names never cease to amaze me. I swear on everything that is good and decent that theres a guy in the Flint Area Phone Book named Revered Christian Butz. Lay off the altar boys, Reverend! Damn! Crikey, my dad knows a guy named Dick Handwerker. DICK HANDWERKER! Those parents must have been in a friggin' coma to not catch something like that. Now that I think about it, Coma would be a cool name. For a dog. Or a human. I'm not picky. |
| Whats in a name? |
| written March 24, 2003 |
| edited February 2, 2004, God I'm a lazy slob |
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