- During a George W. Bush speech, a disgruntled Dean supporter knocks the podium over and reveals the body of Jimmy Hoffa.
- The press jumped all over John Ashcroft after he did a guest shot in one of Paris Hiltons sex tapes.
- George W. Bush purchased the NBA and renamed the Knicks the "New York Freedom Fighting Iraqi Killers".
- Tom Ridge wasted millions of dollars in security when, while playing Sim City, he accidentally hit ALT+S+R on the keyboard, updating the security level to red and causing George W. Bush to cower under his desk and put his head between his legs.
- Purdue hoops coach Gene Keady woke up today and wept because he realized he is the ugliest thing on the face of the planet. His combover couldn't be reached for comment.
- A South Carolina newspaper reported today that "if Al Sharpton becomes President, were going to kill him."
- O.J. Simpson, Kobe Bryant and Mike Tyson co-write a book entitled "Civil Trials are Overrated." The first printing of the book sells out in less than an hour.
