Car & Driver
written February 6, 2004
A friend of mine named Jessica Farr is going to kill me for this, but this column is basically a "bash NASCAR" column. I've been to a NASCAR race, and let me tell you, I could have recieved the same level of enjoyment by merely sticking my finger down my throat. NASCAR is probably the most conservative activity you can participate in, besides maybe going to a Republican convention. Think about it. Paying $75 to go to a track and watch expensive cars smeared with corporate logos, which by the way cant be seen when your going 180 mph, driving five hundred miles in an oval. All conservative stuff: giving lucrative amounts of money away and not getting anything in return, being recruited by the corporate decals laced on the cars, and watching pasty white men with no talent or integrity make millions of dollars. Doesn't seem right to me.

Never mind going to a race. The people that watch NASCAR on TV are the ones who really scare me. I mean, it's bland, repetitive and ridiculously boring, but you kind of have to stand in awe of these people. Wow, I think. You sit there and watch the cars go around again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again until your level of excitement is so great that you have to change the channel and watch "Celebrity Turkey Basting", with your host, Louie Anderson. Oh, and the fact the main channel to watch races on is FOX just seems so perfect.

Sure, TV for the most part bites the big one nowadays anyway, but this is low. I mean, theres some good stuff, aka The Simpsons, Family Guy, Comedy Central, sports, etc. Which brings us to the unending debate: is NASCAR a sport? I don't understand how this even became a debate, man. It's ludicrous. Of course it isn't a frickin' sport! The drivers sit there, stationary and inept, for four hours and drive 180 mph. Wheres the athleticism in that? Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the hell should driving around in an oval be a sport? Another thing you should know about NASCAR is that before every race, they hold a Christian chapel service, which by the way ALL the drivers go to. Think NASCAR is mighty frickin' careful who they let in? Just a thought.

Announcer:"Oh, wow, that was a beautiful right turn by Jeff Gordon right there."

Yeah? Well I make beautiful right turns, probably better than Gordon's, every time I drive. Only I don't get paid outrageous sums of money for it. But I have talent, dammit! I want to be a NASCAR driver.
NASCAR fans just went outside and shot a deer to make themselves feel better
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