All in Bad Taste:
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1)Learn to suck some serious face with a good ole live rattle snake. It'll improve your perpweed dating skills.
2)Go treasure hunting in your victim's septic tank or sewer line. Ya know she hides all her real good secrets in there.
3)Super glue red flashing lights all over your face when you go out stalking at night so as your victim won't mistake you for the lower rodent wildlife.
4)Stop eating cockroaches. You ought to know you'll never get at the ones that spawned you. So give it up.
5)Stop smoking. Your messing up your heart and lungs transplant potential.
6)Scare the sh*t out of your victim. Build your self a stalker in the box. Get a stalker sized box. Wrap it up with tin foil. Get inside. Super glue your bare *ss to the bottom so as the box won't flip over. Yell for her to open up once your settled and glued in the box. When she opens the door pop your ugly face out and growl at her! It's even scarier late at night.
7)Do like the alleged perp. Demand $10,000 and the victim's pet and then say you're only doing it for the victim's kid's welfare and it isn't blackmail or wrong 'cause your stalker *ss is pure as the driven snow.
8) Super glue a thick piece of pvc pipe, maybe 10 inches long by 6 inches wide to your pecker. Use stuffing to make it all fit nice and tight. The victim will just know you've got a real woody for her then.
9)Eat laundry starch. It grows backbone in stalkers and other perps.
10)Glue straws into your ears. It helps you listen to your victim long distance.
11)Always remember. Never dodge 'cause buckshot flying at you is your friend.
12)Next time your victim shoots at ya in self defense, don't run like a pussy, bend over and bare your naked *ss with your pants pulled down. That way she can hit your brain better by aiming at that dark spot between your cheeks. I promise it won't hurt any.
13)Don't hate the world just because we all know you’re a stupid wack job perp. That's just how it goes when you're a perpweed.
14)Stop spittin tacks and learn how to eat em. It works great for perp digestion troubles.
15)Learn to spell your own name. That way you can sign your notes when you go to terrorize the victim. Practice real hard with a letter stencil set if ya just can't get it.
16)Get together a nifty file on your victim from your years of stalking fun and send it certified mail to every shrink in town. That way you're real sure to get all the attention you deserve. Don't hold nothing back or it won't work.
17)Call the psychic hotline for more valuable clues about your victim. It works great to track fantasy death threat artists and all other imaginary stalker hit men too ya know.
18)To find all your victim's top-secret letters, pick up all the animal crap around her place. Sift through it real careful by hand 'cause ya know she feeds all her secret letters to the critters.
19)Use leeches to cure what ails ya upstairs. If you let em suck enough stalker blood out you'll get to be cured and have a life.
20)Contact the nice folks in the Nigerian and London letters posted on my site. These guys can sure hook the right stalker up with millions of bucks. Think what a stalker could do with that much money and being a tough guy like you are they'll be sure to pay up without any gripes!
21)Admit it. Stalkers have no life without strapping their sorry *sses onto their innocent victims. Admitting it leads ya stalkers to some real deep inner vision.
22)Bully every person around that victim. Then sue em like the alleged perp wants to do when they don't fold and give ya all ya want. Look at how smooth it's working out for the alleged perp!
23)Hold onto all those stalker obsessions. It's real good for your mental health. Why move on and be normal when you can be stalking wack jobs!
24)Do what lots of stalkers do. Call it an investigation. Some folks are dumb enough to buy it and others will have a fun ole time making a joke out of you.
25)Sabotage your victim's career. That way you'll be sure as shootin' that she can pay you off to your satisfaction the next time you try to blackmail her!
26)Sabotage your victim's career so as she can't pay you off even if she wanted too bad enough just to get rid of your sorry stalking *ss, when you try to blackmail her. It's more fun to keep stalking anyhow.
27)When stalking a writer be sure you stay real vague 'bout everything now. 'Cause you don't want her to get it all right when she writes about ya!
28) Model your own selves after the good ole alleged perp and other stalkers. Be real shocked and offended when you act like an *sshole and folks don't like you.
29) Be like the alleged perp and lots of other stalkers. After being an *sswipe all over folk's lives and websites threaten to sue 'em because they say mean things about your sorry stalker *ss.
By Cyris
With help from my good friends.
Copyright � 2003
No rights to copy, print, download or duplicate.
Rights to look extend no farther than on this website.
My stalker tips and jokes are all in my own opine.
