| Stalking Jokes! |
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| Stalker Jokes: (Some funny some not so funny because I had to keep it civilized. All in bad taste) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 1) How many stalkers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one because he'll never give up! 2) "Knock, Knock." "Who's there?" "Stalker." Stalker who? Stalker who wants you!" "What do you want stalker?" Well, I really want you to love me and do whatever I say but because you won't I'm going to spend the rest of my life terrorizing you!" 3) What does the stalker do when Ladyfingers right and Ladyfingers left go on strike? He slams mister pecker into his zipper as hard as he can until it fees good! 4) Who never needs a vacation to get away from his job? A stalker! 5) What are stalkers really good for? Organ transplants and skin grafts! Eat your Wheaties and use lots of vitamin e guys! There is hope! 6) What kinds of people come to mind when you think of sociopaths and psychopaths? A) Hannibal Lecter B) Psycho C) Eddie Giene D) Ted Bundy E) Jeffery Dahmer F) Charles Manson G) Stalkers! 7) What red and green and moves really fast? A stalker chained to his victim's rear bumper and getting dragged across a grass field at 60 miles per hour! 8) What substance makes the best compost? A stalker in the garden! 9) What's more attracted to your trash, your tampons and old condoms, than your dog? A stalker! 10) What is the equivalent of a human bad penny? A stalker. 11) How many stalkers does it take to F-up your life? Only one because they don't share! 12) How do stalkers save face? They up the ante and stalk harder! 13) What do stalkers think of the spectacle of themselves they create? They think their hot stuff! 14) What do stalker do when they're lonely? They find someone to stalk. 15) How many stalkers does it take to accept the blame for one stalkers real actions? Infinity. It'll never happen. 16) How much financial aid does the average stalker need? A lifetimes worth because they never change and they can't hold down any job for very long! 17) How many stalkers does it take to blame a victim for their problems? One and all. They all blame their victims. 18) What does a stalker think when a woman tells him to get lost? Wow she really wants me bad! 19) How many stalkers does it take to pay the rent? As many as possible. None of them can hold a job for very long so they all have to pitch in! 20) What does a stalker use to help himself stay focused on the victim? His boundless delusions! 21) How many people need to help a stalker terrorize or kill his victim? None! He works alone! 22) What's human yet spends most of his time low to the ground and on four legs? A rural stalker crawling through the weeds! 23) What items does a stalker think are as big and round as cantaloupes but their really two tiny shriveled up raisins? His gonads! 24) What goes round and round and never pauses to change direction? A stalker in conversation. 25) What direction does the stalker travel in? Always a straight line towards his victim. 26) How many subjects can the stalker deal with at one time? One. His victim, his victim, his victim. 27) Why did the stalker dart into the path of an oncoming train? His victim was on the move and he couldn't let her get away! 28) Who goes through more cars that a chronic drunk driver? A stalker in hot pursuit. 29) How many legs does a stalker need to stalk? None! He'd stalk in a wheelchair if he had to! 30) What kind of serious mental illness causes continuous mania? The stalking variety! They can't shut down because the victim might get away! 31) Who's just as charismatic and just as charming as a dirty politician? A stalker explaining himself. 32) What does the stalker say to his camera after he's used up 28 slides in a 28 slide roll photographing his victims yard and then she comes out? You F-ing whore don't fail me now dammit when she's right there and in her nightgown too! 33) Who's more likely to steal his victim's buried panties rather than an easily accessible hundred-dollar bill? A stalker of coarse so he's got something for Ladyfingers to wear! 34) What does a stalker usually say when a woman breaks up with him? "Please take me back baby and if you don't I'll (you fill in the blanks)." 35) What runs is faster than a grey hound when faced with the flash of a camera? A stalker. 36) What does the stalker feel when he gets caught red handed? Outrage at the victim for her part in busting him! How dare she when it's all her fault! 37) What does a stalker hear when the victim tells him he's crazy? That she's crazy and he's just perfect and if he is crazy it's all her fault! 38) How many years does it take for a stalker to latch onto a victim? Not years, seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months and it's done! 39) How sexy does the victim have to be to attract the stalker? She can be as ugly as poop. He still wants her any way he can get her and no one else! 40) What is the stalker thinking when he's watching the victim's house? If she doesn't come out soon I'm going to have to drag out those panties I stole and Ladyfingers again! "What are the sores on the head of your penis?" 41) What does the stalker usually reach for when he sees his victim at a distance? His binoculars or camera so he can get a closer longer lasting look. 42) How many stalkers does it take to walk across a street? It'll never happen unless the victim crosses first. 43) What does the stalker think when he feels like he's gaining on his victim? "Oh! Oh! Oh! I got her now; I got her good? Soon she'll have to accept me and do as I say" 44) Why are stalkers such control FREAKS? Because they're too crazy to keep anyone around otherwise! 45) What would the stalker do if he was neutered? He'd deny it! Nothing's real unless he says it is! 46) How many stalkers does it take to tie a stalker's own pair of shoes? Only one is the victim holds still long enough! 47) Who knows every single item that you tossed in your trash can? The stalker. He's got notes and pictures. 48) What is more beauteous than a Courier and Ives picture? The stalker after he's finally done himself in! 49) What is worse than a stalker? A stalker with a self-preservation attitude! 50) What's all turned inside out but still alive and in enthusiastic motion? A stalker after a few frustrating unfruitful years of stalking. 51) What's jail to a stalker? Something that will never happen because the police aren?t ever around when he's at it! 52) What is the stalker really after? To make his victim do whatever he wants her to do at any particular moment! 53) What is human, has a high IQ yet functions at a disturbed adolescent level? A stalker without psychiatric care. 54) What does the stalker think everything in the world is clearly about? Him and only him! Everything points directly at him! He is obviously the one everyone is looking at because he is the ONE and only ONE! Of coarse, everyone's talking about him! Who else is noteworthy? 55) How many stalkers does it take to change a tire? A lot because they can't decide whether to slash it or to change it out with a working spare! 56) How many hours does it take a stalker to write a letter? Usually not long! After while he's busy writing his victim may do something and he might miss it! 57) What kind of gun does it take to kill a stalker? One with psychic ability because they're so darn wimpy, paranoid and sneaky! 58) Why does the stalker try to separate the victims from friends and family? Because SHE'S HIS AND HE CAN?T SHARE! Besides, she might take longer to come around to his way of thinking as long as there are normal people around in the picture. 59) What does the stalker think when he does something really cruel and horrible and is peering down at the damages? I didn't do anything wrong and it was her fault. She did it! She made me do it. 60) What happens when you hold an exorcism for the stalker as he's watching from the weeds or shrubs? He photographs it, dresses Ladyfingers and reaches for his pecker! 61) What does a stalker think when he is busted and sitting in jail? One of two things. A) I'll be out real soon. B) It isn't happening because nothing's real unless I say it is! 62) What does the stalker say to himself after he's been stalking a victim for a really long time and he's logically not getting any closer to having her or controlling her? I know if I just keep doing the same things or maybe some worse things she'll come to see that I am right and she is wrong! 63) More to come later. 64) What's great stalker solution involves the postal service? Boxing him up in a wooden crate and mailing that stalker to the Middle East! 65) More to come! Copyright (c) 2002 No rights to copy, print, download, duplicate, or display elsewhere other than this specific website granted or implied without the direct written permission of the author. Please contact: <[email protected]> **As with all poetry, essays, correspondence and/or published letters, e-mails or other communications presented on this webpage, this work is a personal subjective expression of its author's own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. This statement is in no way intended to invalidate or minimize the powerful and poignant experiences of this author. However, this statement is intended to indicate that creative expressions such as these written forms of artwork are derived from their author's own personal feelings, thoughts, beliefs and opinions. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Thanks for the liability statement Van! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ |