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A friend of mine was standing in a hotel gift shop when a man walked in
smoking a cigarette.
Looking up from her register, the clerk politely
informed the man that smoking was prohibited in the shop.
"Well, if you SELL cigarettes in here, I ought to be able to smoke here",
the man said irritably.
"You're right; we DO sell cigarettes here", the clerk answered calmly as
she rang up my friend's purchases.
"And we also sell condoms".
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Heavenly Humor?????
Saint Peter gets up again for work. "Another day, another dollar," he
thinks to himself.
There are three men waiting to get in this morning. St. Peter tells
them, "We're getting kind of full up here, so I'll have to hear your
stories before I decide to let you in. Tell me why you are here." So
the first guy steps forward and begins to tell his story:
"Well, St. Peter, my story is a little dramatic. You see I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I left work early to see if I could catch her in the act.
I was running late so I ran home and when I arrived the elevator was broken. I live on the 22nd floor of an apartment house so I had to ran up 22 flights of stairs. I burst in and I couldn't find anyone. I looked all around and didn't see anyone. Finally, I found my wife taking a shower.
"Then, I notice a guy hanging from the fire escape. I went NUTS. I started banging on his hands, trying to make him let go, but he wouldn't. So I went and got a hammer and I started pounding on his hands. Finally he let go and fell 22 stories.
Don't you know it? He landed in a tree and started laughing at me. I REALLY LOST IT THEN. So I ran into the kitchen, ripped out the refrigerator and threw it out the window. It fell 22 stories, landed on the guy and killed him.
"I was so distraught over what I had done, I went inside, got a gun, and killed myself. That's why I'm here."
"Wow," St. Peter said. "That is a very dramatic story." St. Peter looked at the second guy and asked him about his story. Then the next guy came forward:
"Well, St. Peter, I live on the 24th floor of an apartment building and I was exercising when I fell up against the fire escape railing. The railing broke and I thought I was going to fall to my death. But, somehow, I'm not really sure how, I managed to grab a hold of one of the fire escapes after falling a couple of stories.
Just as I thought I was saved, this lunatic comes over and starts pounding on my hands with a hammer. Finally, I had to let go. I thought I was going to die. Don't you know it? I landed in a tree. I was OK. I was so happy I started laughing and screaming. Then a refrigerator landed on me and now here I am.
"Well, that is an amazing story," St. Peter said as he turned to the third man. "What's your story?" The third guy started:
"Well, St. Peter, I was naked in a refrigerator, minding my own
business when ...
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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene
and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor
who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need; a
new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see.... 34 sleeve and.... 16 and a
half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the saleman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see.... 9-1/2....E"
Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitiating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right! How did you know?"
"It's my job"
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