Old Entries
(3-15-04) ((1:04 PM CST)) Just another manic Monday!
No, I don't wish it were Sunday, 'cause it sucked too. Once again I'm at home and it sucks CLIT! The gym here SUCKS, the people here SUCK, the family here is SLEEPING and WORKING, my friends here are RARELY AVAILABLE, I have NO CAR, life SUCKS! ::smiles::
Just got off of the phone with Kasi. I told her that I didn't appreciate what I have in college. It's the truth. I now appreciate the Johnson Center so much :( Just to think it was there all last semester and I didn't go hurts me.
I need to do something productive with my time instead of being depressed and bored and jerking off :P Jerking off is ok, but the rest needs to go!
(3-9-04) ((4:40 PM)) Lots has happened :)
The sperm donor's now officially out of my life. I don't ever plan on talking to him again...which is good news.
Last night I had a marvelous time online...OK it takes a lot for me to say that, but I'm serious :P Don't wanna publish the details online, but good fun was had. One thing though: not sure if I should jerk off with Worth IN the room anymore...there's kinda an awkwardness going on and I think he was probably awake when I was doing it last night. I don't see why it matters or why it's so taboo ::shrug:: b/c I know he does it too.
This summer. Yes...definitely. And by then, I should have another car. If not, come hell or high water I'll get there.
(3-2-04) ((10:02 PM)) Kick arse...
I was just angry before :) I need to calm down sometimes...the gym helps this; therefore, I should go to the gym m�s a menudo.
(3-2-04) ((5:51 PM)) Dependence stress...
Having a car never was convenient for me before. All of the stress of having to deal with Daddy and the insurance and the car payment and whatnot was just too much. Now, however, it's much worse than I presumed it would be. The only way I can get anywhere is to depend on others. When I had a car and everyone wanted to do stuff out, I was the driver or at least one of the drivers. I suppose I just ask people for too much. Any time someone asks something of me, I try my best to do so if I have nothing else important to do. Bottom line is that life is just sucking ass in general here lately. Don't know if it'll be getting a whole lot better anytime soon, but I sure hope it does.
It's not at all a matter of my getting mad just because someone doesn't want to do something. No, it's not one time, two times, three times, even TEN times it's every fucking time I ask. Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing but a burden on my friends' shoulders. I'd like to do an experiment sometime. To just stay in my room doing homework and not go anywhere or do anything until someone asks. Balin would not count, because he asks everyone to do everything. ::hehe:: I just think that people expect me to come to them, to give them shit, to do things for them...I'm just going to have to learn to start turning everyone else down too. "Send me your program." "Do you want to go to the mall with me?" "Can you drive?" "Can you come up here for a minute?" "Will you show me how to do this?" "Do you have the notes from the other day?"
(2-29-04) ((4:14 PM)) Sorry for the wait :)
Someone shoot me now, because I'm playing Xenimus again. Yes, it's free. No, I don't have to play for some great cause. No, I should NOT be playing. Yes, it's wasting my time. One of the main reasons that I haven't updated is probably because I've been sucked back into the pit of Xenimus. I'm just going to have to tell Sith thanks, but no thanks...I can't go on playing video games...I get too tied up :P
Last night Balin, Annie and I went to Bella Notte and had a great time and great food. I am glad I went. Right after that, I went with Mom, Russell and Rusty to Chilis for them to eat. I waited all day in my dorm for her to call and didn't end up seeing her 'til after nine. That bites, but oh well. She gave me some money, but I'm not sure if she should have...her financial situation may be a bit unstable right now anyway. Either way, I have to wash clothes and get necessities. I really hope everything's okay though.
Talked to Rick last night on the net when I got back from the restaurants. He really does seem like a cool guy. Pretty much the way Balin had described. Too bad he doesn't think he'll ever be able to come out...maybe his life will change like mine did. I don't doubt it will.
Homework has stacked up again, and I have a buttload to do. Ugh, college. Ugh, procrastination...it's all my fault, really.
Oh, last night at Chilis I kept catching this guy staring over at me. I'd say I caught him about 15-20 times and he caught me like five...it was kinda funny, and difficult not to laugh every time our eyes would meet. Of course, mother was there along with Russell and the Rusty who has yet to find out about my queer nature :P He'll find out soon enough. They "decided" not to tell him...well, I didn't want them telling him in the first place :) I read something on XY the other day that said something along the lines of "My parents and friends know I'm gay and they're totally cool with it; they just don't want me telling anyone else." The XY response was that they were just homophobes and didn't want their reps ruined by everyone finding out that their son/friend/brother/whatever was a fag...I found this amusing. It seems, for the most part, true if you think about it. Kinda sad :)
English TA's new glasses are terrible looking. His old ones looked a lot better. He looks like the "Can you hear me now?" guy...
(2-20-04) ((1:10 PM)) BBL Kris just messaged.
(2-13-04) ((1:56 PM)) WTF? I just updated and it disappeared.
I'll try my best to rewrite what I just wrote. ::gr::
Frat boy wore the same pants today that he wore yesterday. Really, if you have a pair of pants that unique, you should never consider wearing them two days in a row.
Brennan is such an asshole, but I kind of like him. He's like the English teacher who is an asshole about grammar. The math teachers who are assholes about formatting math problems always appeal to me. I suppose it's the same reason I liked Ms. Blevins so much. He reminded me of her today as we were going over the test. (Scores: A's - 2, B's - 3, C's - 3, D's - 3, E's - 44). I was glad, although I DID get a C (75%), that I was in the 14.5% that passed. I think he should've given me partial credit on my IVT, but I didn't complain.
People should put more thought into what shoes they select to buy.
Saw him today in the student center. Must've been off schedule or something? Lucky me. He was with the usualy as well as some other boy I've never seen or some boy to whom I've never paid much attention. As I passed by, I noticed his, not the other boy's, neck was the brightest shade of red. I found it so cute for some reason. I find rosacea cute too, though. This seemed kind of like a blushing thing though, nothing permanent. Damn it, I just now remembered what I was going to say and forgot at the student center. I got two tickets for the movie, and if anyone ::cough:: forget to get his, I will have this extra for him. Knocking on wood while I'm typing this, but everything seems to be falling into place perfectly today. It's like a tetris game that I win without even picking up the controller. One can only hope my life continues in this path. Please let it do so!
I will be glad when I can take my life off of hold.
(2-12-04) ((1:57 PM)) Hell Week Status: OVER!
Es mejor que te odien por lo que eres en vez de que te amen por lo que no eres.
-From somewhere in English...translated by yours truly. (Anyone know a Spanish idiom for it?)
M�nica's input (to make it shorter): Es mejor que te odien por lo que eres a que te amen por lo que no eres.
Keen did a little dance today and was all happy that we'd soon be going over something in class. She really fucking scares me and needs to get a life.
Hell week outcomes:
CALC TEST: 75-85% (Not sure yet, will update cuando lo sepa)
PROGRAM 1: 98-100% (Forgot email in header comment...doesn't affect anything)
LAB 3 PROBLEM 3: 100% Attendance and demo credit!! (Love you, Yi!! ((and b/f since he helped more)))
HEALTH: 60-70% I have gone to the gym to lift, but haven't cardioed like I should this week.
Conclusions from hell week: Don't procrastinate. Don't get stressed and get the munchies. Don't get stressed and not work! GO TO THE GYM! It's such a release from it all. I really enjoy going.
(2-9-04) ((2:00 PM)) Hell week.
Yes, my friends, you are all probably feeling it as everyone else is. This week is officially dubbed "hell week," because I think everyone under the sun has at least two to three tests and four major assignments due this week. JOY!
Strange side note: I just now got the taste in my mouth of this non-alcoholic mouth wash that the piercer gave me when I got my tongue pierced. This taste came from nowhere, and I'm not sure what to think about it.
I read
Beauty and the Beast
today in English. It was rather interesting. Also, I wrote a double-entry journal over an article in our English reader. The article itself is kind of funny. It talks about advertisers using gay advertisements to appeal to this "naughty" side of us that always wants to come out as consumers...the side that makes it alright to buy an ounce of cologne for $50. I'm guilty, I suppose...but it's not so much of a "transgression"--as the author called it--when I am attracted to a CK model I guess. Best quote from it:
"A male college student who encountered one of the underwear ads confided to his father that he found it disturbing: 'It makes a man attracted to another man.' But straight and bisexual women also found Calvin's (and Weber's) muscle-y seminude men attractive."
OK people, if an ad makes you attracted to another member of the same sex, then I suppose that's fair reason to doubt your sexuality. I suppose advertisers are a nice place to lay the blame...::wide grin:: But anyway, just cause I think a girl has a hot body doesn't mean I want to jump her bones. Question to ask yourself: (and say it slowly so as not to miss a word) "Would I suck his cock or fuck him in the ass?"--OK, your response to your self assessment is the answer to whether you are gay or bisexual if you need a label that bad. Geez, people will really never stop, will they?
Wanting to do this dance thing I know nothing about with Balin. Sounds like it'll be good fun as well as a release from it all.
Got to watch Andy yesterday. Was nice to be able to have a TV all to myself to watch the whole match. The Bryan brothers were on as well kicking ass as usual. Made $84.00, and it should last a little while. I know one reletively large investment I plan on making and beyond that, I shouldn't have to spend a whole lot of it...
(2-6-04) ((5:00 PM)) Not much to write about...
Going home this weekend to do some work and homework. Won't have much fun--home never is really fun--but I'll be making money and progress. Hopefully I'll be able to be well prepared for the Calculus exam coming up. I also have to get my English Double-Entry Journal ::pft:: writen.
Ku� is not wanting to talk to me now. Perhaps she watched an episode of QaF? ::raises an eyebrow:: Whatever the cause, I'm grateful for it.
I must contemplate this "are you being a thilly gooth? or you just being a little Billy?" It's still such an overload for my brain...just too much to think about! Perhaps I'll crack the meaning behind it just before I take my last breath...hopefully not too soon.
(2-4-04) ((9:46 PM)) Sudden Realization....
Andy's last name has two slang terms for you-know-what...wow...that's fortunate.
(2-4-04) ((8:47 PM)) Do you look at yourself in third person or first?
I finally came to the realization today that my problem with myself is that I always look at myself in the third person. I look at myself walking down the sidewalk. I look at myself walking into the bathroom. I look at myself sitting here in the chair to type. I always look at myself through someone else's eyes. To an extent, this could be healthy. It could help you keep your body on track and whatnot, but I think I've taken it to an unhealthy level. It's hard to break the habit. I still catch myself doing it. Today is the first day I've acknowledged the problem, and at least, in doing so, I can start to correct it.
Ugh...squats today at the gym were fun while we were doing them. I certainly FELT them. I am still feeling them. I hope my legs are OK to run tomorrow. I almost fell down the stairs in Boyd so I decided to take the elevator instead :)......::looks around::
Fun with this:
(2-3-04) ((11:10 PM)) Think really hard about this.
If you didn't know when you were going to die, and were offered physical perfection til the day you die in exchange for the last five years of your life, would you accept the offer?
If you were promised either physical wellness until age 85, but your body changed normally, or physical perfection until age 70, which would you take?
(2-2-04) ((8:24 PM)) Pencil prevention burn-outs
Worked out with Kris again today. This is always a positive experience. I can't figure out why I can't push the barbells back up sometimes at all afte ronly like 2 reps though...that's getting annoying. I'm a stubborn fucker, and I'll do what it takes. Especially when people are watching me. I just CAN'T seem to do it. I'll eventually get over this maybe. I don't think it's a mental thing. On a positive note: This is certainly working! I can't lift my own arms at this moment :) A nice, long night's rest should help repair myself a bit. Cardio tomorrow bright and early ::vomick:: Gotta love cardio...
Class is a bit better now. Going to class makes everything all better again, now doens't it? Yes...me says yes :)
Balin still hasn't seen The Return of the King, and this disturbs me.
(1-31-04) ((1:45 PM)) Fun was had.
Yesterday was a good day. Despite the fact that I got ready for class, and there was NO class, the rest of the day was nice.
I went to the gym with Kris, and who's to say the gym is a bad place? It was quite fun lol...I guess it's just not for everyone, but I enjoyed it. Especially when I saw some guys with arms as big as their thighs pumping...rawr. Monday, Wednesday, Friday..we'll be going together from now on.
I need to get my head out of my ass and do more homework. Ugh @ that, but I need to...and I will. Also, came home to get a haricut, and now I can't. Amanda's not in tomorrow, and they're closed already today. I'll just have to trust someone in Lexington, I suppose...scary.
Heard some disturbing news last night that I never knew about. I suppose, with time, I'll get over it, but it was kind of a slap in the face. I wish it had never come out--really. Don't kiss and tell, boys and girls...it only leads to trouble.
Going to Mom's in a bit.
(1-30-04) ((8:11 AM)) Early to bed...
Went to bed at like 1:15 AM or so last night after a long night of moving, situating, and showering. It felt good to lie in a new bed on clean, warm sheets with a roommate who smells good instead of like ass. I really think he and I have a lot in common, and perhaps we'll get to know each other even better after a bit more talking.
Back to English today! I hope I didn't miss anything the days I didn't go. (UGH!) I hate skipping class. Although it's the beginning of the semester, it's stupid to skip when I could just as easily go to class!
We'll see what the day holds for me...
(1-28-04) ((9:51 AM)) Carpe Diem
Not sure if I spelled that correctly, but Lorna just told me something I guess I never put any thought into: "Even if you stand still, time will still move." I gotta start applying that.
Megan says I am too critical of people on TV and such. My criticism is never like that in real life, the fact is, they're fictional characters. On the other hand, I don't want people to think I'm a critical, shallow bastard...so maybe I should stop pointing out all the small, pointless details.
I wish Danielle were off tonight. I really want to go to the gym, and no one else really wants to. I'm not going alone. Wish I weren't such a girl about that ::squint::
It's possible that I will get to move out of here today. That'd make it a good day, but if I cannot, I'll probably go to the clinic about my toe. It's really getting out of hand again, and I need to speak with someone about the growth of the nail. It's totally unnatural. Why does this happen to ME?! Abnormalities bite ass ((but in the painful way)) :)
(1-27-04) ((3:59 PM)) God damn that Bill-Clinton-looking russian!
Well, Andy's out of the Australian Open and I'm pissed about that. Nuff said. Here's an upsetting pic of him waving to the crowd with him well-smashed racket. Gr...this really sucks clit...
(1-27-04) ((9:46 AM)) Bajando...
Last night...wow...intense. Well, yesterday I tried to stay up all night and go to class and then stay up and go to the gym and go to sleep about 10 so I could fix my sleep schedule. Well, I think I might have been successful at fixing my sleep patterns, but the rest never took place...:/
HOWEVER...At 11 o'clock, I saw Megan on AOL and was soon on my way to a good time. Everything that happened last night was great except for when it didn't work when they tried to give me a shotgun...kinda upset about that :P
Went to the house of two very cool guys, one of which was hot as hell. It was hard (no pun intended) not to just jump him there on the spot. Shit, I think I have to take back QaF...yep, I sure do. I'll do that today.
I think, so far, last night was one of the best I've had since I began college. That's exactly just what I had in mind college would be like. I need to stop with the attraction to bad asses and pot heads. It's kinda weird that if you stand back and look at all of the people I'm attracted to, they fall into one or, more commonly, both of those categories. Most of the time they're not even hot to the average person, but they're extremely irresistable to me...weird, eh?
Notes to myself from last night are rather incoherent. I don't remember what I wrote them down for, but here they are..."BRJ [Bradley J.] EXTRA DICKS? Jump future & your pony" another one says "BRJ [Bradley J. again] Otra vez Juice + run down vine" The last one makes sense, it says, "DANCE no stBELT." I remember there was a song that said something and I thought it said something about juice running down my vine or something and Bradley J. I think must've been singing it from the note...I don't know what the "extra dicks" one is supposed to mean. Gotta get up and get ready for class in 5 minutes.
Tonight I must do the following: buy English book, return QaF, ir al gimnasio si hay someone who quiere ir conmigo. Come to think of it, my alguien from last night is probably upset. I should apologize again and never do that to her from now on. I need to call Mom. I need money. I need other things I'll not mention here...
I started to dance, and he was wearing a seatbelt. She was, but that was cool. Mine had somehow been strapped around me by some unseen force, because I don't remember putting it on. It would had to have been me, though, I suppose...Was the first time in my life I think I felt truly infinite. Time to get up and shower!
(1-26-04) ((6:43 AM)) Damn the internet!
I'm writing this from the computer lab in Boyd, because the internet now doesn't work in Holmes. We're up to, I think, all of the dorms on north campus not working. This is really starting to get a bit more than annoying. Ugh...perhaps tomorrow someone will get his/her head out of his/her ass and come fix it. ((Side note, it's probably a him...or a bull dike...no self-respecting lipstick would do that for a living.))
I have a feeling that sometime soon my inhibitions might be shed and I might just do something completely insane. I'm just sick of being the same ol' me I've always been. I want to explore new territory. I just don't know what will happen or if anything will. "You can't win if you don't bet," wise words from a wise lady. And if you don't win the first time, wait 'til you've dealt yourself a better hand...
(1-25-04) ((5:46 AM)) Rated R...parental discretion is advised (or whatever the hell they say)
Jesus Christ, to have gotten up at 5 PM anoche, it was quite an interesting night to say the least. I think I'm getting over the shock as well as the obsession. I need to just let it go, I think. Some obsessions for me are stubborn...they return to me every now and again just to haunt me. It's like I'll never get over something until I'm completely over it. Meaning something big has got to happen. Hm, I think time could also heal all things too though...not sure ((No details on this are mentioned since it IS a published website.))
I was confronted by an opinion that I had never been confronted with before. "Homosexuality is a disorder." A psychological disorder, of course...and the reasoning behind it was that there's an order to the way things happen. Male + Female = Offspring. To be bluntly and harshly honest, some people in this world are just too god damn black and white. Wake up and smell the gray, people. Even if that theory held a bit of water, who's to say that homosexuality isn't there for population control. Ugh...it goes along the same lines.
I don't understand how someone could be so self-loathing about something they can't control. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not comfortable in my own skin, but for Christ's sake, that's my own lazy ass's fault. We as a society put so much emphasis on what's "normal," that all it does is cause everyone to hate him or herself that much more. The gay community is worse. I don't know about lesbians, but gay guys are concerned with one thing: young and fit. That's all I ever see on the net, anyway...I don't know if all guys are this shallow. I know a guy we'll call Roger. Roger's one guy I know of that is a sincere, real person...he seems not to be shallow, but I think we all probably are deep down. Roger's passed many hurdles in his life and he deserves the best for it. He deserves to be shallow, actually. I look at people and think how sickening it is that they're so concerned with appearancee, but I suppose it's their place to be if they work hard at acheiving the perfect (many definitions) physique.
If you REALLY don't know, click
here to see what my opini�n on the perfect physique is!
Always gotta add him in for extra fun, eh? Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I was thinking about the whole "If you could take a pill and be straight tomorrow, would you do it?" Hrm...this is a hard one. I'd rather think about this: "If God can do everything, then could he make a rock large enough that He, Himself couldn't lift?" But that doesn't quite apply to me. So, in light of the other equestrian, I really, really don't think I would. First of all, it's never going to be possible. They'd sooner make a pill that lowers your BMI in a day. It's just impossible, but if it were, I wouldn't take it. I've been told by various people that they would. They don't like the ridicule and stuff I'm supposing. I guess I'm just a really strong person or something lol...I somehow have turned ridicule into something positive. Hell, if someone called me a cock sucker or told me I take it in the ass, why would I get mad? I am, and I do...so there's not a point in getting all flustered about it. It's just sex ;)
Dot dot dot....I seem quite talkative tonight, but I've just been thinking most of the night, and I've got a lot on my mind. I think I'm about done for now.
(1-22-04) ((2:33 AM)) A Leopard can't change his stripes. Neither can a queer!
-Debbie
((9:19 PM Contd.)) Last night was Queer as Folk for a while...quite a while. I watched it until the wee hours of the morning. Actually, I watched it until the not so wee hours of the morning. I went to bed about 9AM. I caught the roommate watching it a bit too...was kinda funny. The first big sex scene I got strangled on a drink of water and it drew attention to me...added to the excitement of the extra skin on the tele, I suppose.
Debbie has some of the funniest quotes. Life is getting boring around here, at least not as bad as in Glasgow, but it's not far. When I get a job at Blazer, I don't think things will be all that bad. Hopefully this will be soon. Check out these pics, they're pretty...
(1-21-04) ((9:26 AM)) Grammar vomick!
This says it all: if you're an Engish TA/Graduate student and you don't know what past subjunctive means, you need to be fired. We did this grammar thing in English class today, and the TA had NO clue what he was talking about. Oh well, at least now he knows what past subjunctive and predicate nominatives are. Be back later...
(1-20-04) ((8:34 AM)) ::Kicks himself in the ass::
The plan was to stay up all night and go to class to fix my sleep patterns. I'm not going to make it. After this, bed...thus commencing the class skipping. This is just recitation and the beginning of CS215. Nothing major...won't hurt me, but I can't start skipping. This also means no gym. ::kicks himself again::
Watched the rest of the QaF rentals. What a great show...they actually showed these guys' dicks in the steam room on American television...surprising...and rather nice...
Laundry, check...clean room, check...ready to move, check...roommate chosen, check...eagerness for a change, check...sick of the stench, check...hotter guys whom I know, check...one guy whom I'd like to know better, check...all is set for me to mudarme a Boyd. I can't wait. Getting up at three today to see how all of that will work. Not sure I'm moving moving today or whatnot...we'll see, I suppose...it should be easy :) Thank God or whomever is up there that I'll not have to wake up to that anymore. I hate this hell hole. :)
I should go to class...but I'll feel like shit, so I'm not gonna...nite all, and don't worry about me. I'll be fine :)
(1-18-04) ((3:30 PM)) Awake at last...
Jesus Christ, there are noises coming out of every wall around here. These people need to turn their entertainment devices down. I hear AOL + Movies + The Darkness. It's kinda disturbing... :)
Boys next door being rather loud talking about their boy things...ugh, Holmes :/ 2 more days!!! They act so stupid...
Cutting this update short. Good luck all :)
(1-18-04) ((4:35 AM)) Let's Hear It For The Boi!!
The roommate is not here thank God...fun in the room tonight...damn QaF >:)
QaF was again tonite...as it was last night. It's such a GREAT show. God damn Best Buy for being so expensive. Ugh, I'm so tired, and now it's 5:03. I've been doing other things while trying to write this. The gym may come tomorrow and if not then, Monday. It has to be done, so it will be done.
I can't get QaF off the brain...it's an addiction for sure! ::snickers:: It's a great show, but Kamini seems to hate it...not surprising, really. It's not reality TV ::laughs:: Just kidding, Kamini...well, kinda :D Anyway, I don't suppose gay TV is something that straight people get into. It's really the only TV I get into of late.
Wanna hear something great? I am just now uninstalling the last of the games. I've finally taken the last step to letting go. Yep, I quit cold turkey!! Let's see...about four years now with the games? Yep...I think it's time to stop with them :) They're no longer a part of my life, thank God. Tuesday is move-in day for me. Glad for that, but need to be cleaning up my room I suppose...I hate to give Adrian the satisfaction of a single room :/
Getting quie tired, so I'd better head off...hopefully I won't sleep SO long tomorrow. Night all,
Let's hear it for my baby!
(1-16-04) ((10:31 AM)) Felt like updating again...
The shower was being a whore this morning. There was no neutral. It was either HOT or COLD! Pissed me off, but I'll get over it. Hair also wouldn't fix right. I think the whole bad shower and bad hair days go together. They have many times in the past, and I'm beginning to see a pattern. Perhaps sometime I should try and break the cycle...thing is, those aren't things I can control so much...Oh, well...
Classes today until 1:50. I love my schedule so much more than the last one. I'm not really looking forward to any of my classes, but I have to get them out of the way I suppose.
Tonight should be fun. At least we have something to watch instead of just bad reality TV! (Sorry, Kami) I don't have my good pens, and it's starting to upset me. I left my "man-purse", as some call it, at home, and now I have to walk around without my pens! Arg! It's kinda frustrating, but I suppose I'll get over it. Class in twenty minutes...I suppose I'll head on out.
(1-16-04) ((6:49 AM EST)) Moving up and moving out
There is still so much I feel that I do not know about myself. I don't know what I want to do when I'm thirty, but I suppose the more important thing is that I don't really know what I want to accomplish by the time I'm thirty. I suppose I just want to get through school...and have as much fun as possible :)
On my way to the Chem/Phys building on the first day of class, I was looking at every guy that passed by (as usual) and every few would look right into my eyes. Not quite sure if I'm ::that:: good at reading people, but it seems you
might
just be able to tell something by the way someone looks at you. I don't know...hell, it may just be bullshit. However, I locked eyes with one guy for about 3 seconds, then we both did the obligatory look-away, then we both caught each other looking again, right at the same time...I smiled as me alej�, but later I thought about it in depth, and came to the conclusion it was probably just a coincidence as everything else is :/
Queer as Folk will be done this weekend. Perhaps Marcie's (I think that's it)...I'm really excited about that if we can do it. I watched the first 1 and a half episodes as QaF and it's wonderful. Balin said I'd hate it 'cause he loves it...well, maybe our tastes in movies/programs aren't as different as our tastes in men :)
There are still a few things about a few people I don't understand, and, if by now I haven't figured it out, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'll not get it anytime soon. For now, I'll patiently wait it out.
The school schedule is wonderful this semester. Classes start at 11 and end at about 2 every day but Wednesday, and they end at 3 on that day. Also, I'm moving out of the ghetto and going to Boyd. Love it! I have to choose between Matt or Worth...just not quite sure yet, but I'm thinking it'll be Matt. (I really don't know Worth at all yet.)
I need to start carrying a little notebook with me so I can write down random thoughts! :) I'm over my previous ::thing::...not quite sure what it was, but someone kind of opened my eyes about the whole situation and told me not to waste my time and energy. He was completely right...and I've moved on. Not sure what the next step is...
It's 7:00 AM now, and I've actually been getting sleep this semester, so I better go and try to get some rest. Night all, and sorry for taking so long for an update!
(1-04-04)((9:27 PM EST)) ::Sighs::
Yeah, I'm back to the sighs. I now know why I was just so depressed throughout high school. This place just depresses me. Being here just makes me want to kill myself. (Ok, maybe not that bad...) It really does have an effect on me though. It really sucks...
Working out is going to be a bitch, 'cause I have very little experience with it. I started a bit after summer last year but I really never cared and didn't keep up with it. Now, it's time to get more serious with it...
I need to stop with all the online-ness going on in my life right now...I'm not really into the whole online scene, and here lately, I've just been getting a bit too close for comfort with some issues.
Ugh. I can't wait to go to NC and finally get back to UK from there. I can't take Glasgow anymore. It reeks of rednecks and skanks. Back to civilization I must go!
(12-30-03)((6:54 EST)) Centerfolds and Tangy Bananas
Well, I wrote this entry yesterday, and I obviously forgot to save it. That pisses me off a bit, but I'll get over it.
It was pretty much just about my arguing with Alex and how many of the things that have happened in Glasgow here lately have caused me to have a new appreciation for my friends from Lexington. I get so sick of people acting fake and/or acting as if I worship the ground they walk on. It's nothing like that in Lexington. I truly feel that Balin and Kamini are my
friends,
and for that, I'm grateful.
Anyway, beyond that, today wasn't much better than ayer. Something happened that caused a strange mix of emotions that I've never really experienced before. I suppose that the more I thought about it, the more I understood the way I felt. I'm glad, though, that it happened. I wish I could've come to realize what I realized under different circumstances, but I guess there are some things you just can't control.
I have hopes that something might change before tomorrow night, but I don't really look for them to. Lisa's mom doesn't want me coming to her house for the party, and while I would allow whomever into my own house, I can't say I don't understand why she doesn't want me there. After all,
she doesn't know me.
Only thing I wish is that I'd known a bit earlier so I might've had a bit more time to plan for something else. I don't know what in the hell I'm going to do in Glasgow. I'm not going to Mama and Russell's, because I don't want to go anywhere that I'm not accepted for the person that I am. When they get over it, I might consider doing stuff like that with them. I refuse to sensor myself for anyone. (Which is the reason I haven't gone to Father's house)
As I've come to understand myself a lot better over the past couple weeks, I've learned a lot more about others as well. I'm really glad my eyes have been opened to some things, but, in regards to others, the ignorant truly are blissful sometimes.
I'm so glad I don't have to worry about offspring. Sometimes I feel I'm the target of some grand joke. Risking a clich�, I'm beginning to feel a bit like that person I was back in highschool.
(12-23-03) 3 days beginning to be a habit :)
Told the mother a couple days ago...Hm, it went...kinda like I should've known it would. I expected her to be a bit more accepting of it and a bit less shocked. She had, in fact, asked me if I was gay like...three or four times in the past. It's beyond me how evident it was and no one picked up on it.
At first, Mom looked at me in utter disgust. It was a look I've never seen from her before...it kind of pissed me off, to say the least. I told her to stop looking at me as if she were going to throw up. She said she was just kind of in shock about it. Here's an excerpt(sp?) from the convo:
Me: "You probably already know."
Mom: "The blood clot's worse, isn't it?"
Me: "No, it's not a matter of life or death" ::laugh::
Mom: "Then what is it?"
Me: "I'm gay"
::brief pause, followed by a look of disgust::
Mom: "You're joking, right?"
::head shakes::
Me: "Could you not look at me like you're just digusted, please?"
She finally got pretty much over it. I know her, though. She cried all night probably. She also told Russell, and told Kyla that she "didn't know which one took it harder." I don't know why it's necessary to take it any sort of way...
Anyway, I'm happy with the people who know for now. Soon enough it'll come out to the father as well.
(12-20-03) Oops, 3 days behind!!
Well, I told Kyla...and now here's the list of knowees... Lorna, M�nica and Jes�s, Kamini, Bal�n, Alex, Kyla (various others that aren't on my master list)....
Anyway, I plan on telling Mama and Dad eventually. Not really much use to hide it anymore. It's the way I've always been, and it's the way I always will be. Yep, I'm gay people...you thought it, you noticed it, well, give yourself a cookie 'cause you've got gaydar! I'm only about 99% gay though, 'cause I'd do Shakira in a heartbeat :D As for the rest of the women population...hm, nope.
If the parents should happen upon this page, (I've given you both the URL before, so you may do so) sorry for not telling you yet, I was afraid you'd freak out too much...which, if you're just not reading this, you may freak out right now and whatnot. I'll probably get around to telling them over the break anyway.
I'm really such a different person now. I don't feel near as depressed as I did before. It's quite the nice relief :) I really thought I'd never come out, but I was pushed over the edge when I heard of what happened to a wonderful person whom I will not mention for privacy purposes.
If you are one of the faint at heart that just knew me too well and never saw that I was gay, it probably means you have no intuition; however, my sister, to whom I am more close than any other person in this world didn't even pick up on it. I swear she was in more denial than I was! :) Another thing for you who stumble upon this page: do not keep it from me that you know, because I'll know you know when I get around you next time. Best thing to do is give in to your desire to call RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT and be all in shock over the phone or something :P Don't just sit at your computer freaking out.
Hehe, if you go back through my journal entries before this one, you can see the difference this has made. Now my ::sighs:: are replaced by :)
Everyone have a wonderful and safe holiday.
(12-17-03) Two down, about ten to go...
:)
This was quite a day for me. It started out bad realizing I wasn't going to get to go home tonight to watch LoTR :( ... Aside from that, though, everything went quite well.
The Family test was easy. My other test took over four hours, but I finally passed it. It's such a relief to have finished with the finals...Really tired, so I need to go...I'll write some more tomorrow. I promise :)........
(12-16-03) One down, the rest to go...
Thanks Lorna :) You definitely make my outlook on life better!
Balin and Kamini obviously didn't have such a good time with chem I heard. I suppose I shouldn't fret so much about the family test. I am getting kinda worried since I need a pretty good grade on it to get an A. A B will suffice. I'll do OK on it :)
I had an experience tonight that I've never had before. I heard something that made me very sad, yet it made me ecstatic. I don't mean happy, I mean ecstatic, almost euphoric. How's this possible? Oh, it is, friends...perhaps someday you'll be lucky enough to experience it.
The night tonight was fun. We just did the sittie talkie thing and some went to bed. Finally, it was just Balin and I. We're still stumped with some issues that may not ever be known.
I guess i need a bit of sleep :( I wanted to talk to Lorna some more, the sweetheart, but I suppose I better sleep at least like 4 hours before I study or I'll be a zombie tomorrow. I have to head out tomorrow for the movie, or my friends will rape me. :)
Thanks again, Lorna!
(12-15-03) How cool is this? (Sorry, Balin!...PRODUCT!)
Kyan says: "Good for you! You know us better than we know ourselves. Oh, and don't forget to wax"
Go here and take
The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy quotes quiz
Compare me now and me then...
Go
here
to see a quiz I just filled out and you can even compare it with the way I was about this time last year.
(12-15-03) 1:38 AM, got in a few minutes ago...
I'll never understand the entertainment in sports.
That said, I would like to just meet the person who had the concept of recapping everything that has happened on the subject thorughout the day in a loop until there's a new day to recap. I really don't see the F*ing point.
I thought about drinking tonight, but it's just not fun alone. It's not really fun with friends, because I don't really have any close friends that like to drink like I do. Hm, they kinda do and they kinda don't.
I need to see Kyla. I'm glad it won't be long now til I see her, but, then again, I'll have to wait so long to see my UK friends again. ::sigh:: Today has been a depressed day. I guess it's just 'cause I've been thinking about ::it:: all day, and it's just pputting me into that sort of mood. It's not so much the car. It's not so much finals. It's not so much my desire to drink. It's just that again...::growl::
Le pido al cielo s�lo un deseo
que en tus ojos yo pueda vivir...isn't that deep?
Hehe...
I thought I'd post my poem...
Murk
I feel forever engulfed
In a sea of raging waves
A torrent of apprehension whirls about me
It's there at every turn.
Held back by an unseen force
Harried by him who longs for it most
I mustn't waver
I mustn't hold back.
A prismatic blaze blinds my vision
Sheens of colour distract my eyes
No protection can be found
I will soon be blinded.
Vines entangle my feet
Ice clenches my very nerves
Webs of nothing bind me
I cannot carry on.
Only do I find peace in the shadow
Obscurity, my refuge
Darkness, my sanctuary
Dissimulation, my painful peace.
Best wishes and juciest kisses, see y'all tomorrow.
(12-14-03) 5:13 AM, just got in...
Wow. I've had a rather...I don't know any other word to say than talkative evening. I studied a bit and Balin wanted to have happy drinks, so we kinda did. We did more talking than anything. We talked about various things, but nothing we hadn't really talked about before...I think the blood thing kinda freaked Kamini out though ::snickers::. Sorry. Kami...!
Anyway, later on I went to Megan's room. I saw her in the hall and just started talking. She's the first person I've been able to talk about some things with...it's kinda strange and I really can't explain it. She's just someone I figured would understand. She kinda did, but not completely. I just wish sometimes I had another me to talk to. I don't have anyone here compatible enough with me. Well, there is definitely one I could think of, but he and I are more compatible than...it seems, I think. ::sighs::
Megan said something really cool that got me to thinking: "There aren't that many kinds of people in the world. You know how sometimes you can meet someone and talk to them for like five minutes and you know what kind of person they are? It's because everyone fits into some group." also, "Believe it or not, we don't just sit around and talk about you," which was kinda funny. That was in response to my saying I was paranoid...lol
I suppose people are just too perceptive to try and act fake. I do act fake a lot around some people, I suppose. Around my friends like Balin and Kamini, no, but I do around unapproachables. Pehaps I should just get over it.
::sighs one last time::
(12-12-03) He Updates??
Yes. I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while, but I've been...uh...living a bit. Actually, I've just been lazy. I have an appointment with the wonderful Dr. Hays at 3:30, and it's 2:56, so I won't be able to write much.
Today has been one of those days, you know? When you think everyone is looking at and talking about you and only you? I walked by a friend outside and some girl I don't know said something that sounded like she was talking directly about me. If she was, I think I'm going to feel sick (about what she said). I don't exactly know how I should feel about it, and I'm sure there's a way I could resolve it if she actually WAS talking about me. The fact is, I'm just too bashful to make up for it. Sorry for being so vague, I just need to write about this and go on. Don't really want anyone to know exactly what it is I'm writing about (<--dangling preposition!). Thanks for listening to my bitchy paranoia.
Balin just told me he's sorry and that shit happens. That made me think he had been talking about me too which is kind of absurd, but maybe I just woke up paranoid today. God has it out for me.
Perhaps the day will go better. I have to talk to Daddy tonite. I suppose that will be fun. I just hope he's not pissed about the car. I really don't feel like doing any explaining.
(9-11-03) First of all, I wanna send a big shout out to all the families of the 9/11 tragedy, you'll not be forgotten :( Second order of business: Damn it, why can't my calculus teacher teach and not just talk monotonously!? She's just ARG! She just doesn't teach. Tonight Kamini's gonna teach me how to do this whole delta/epsilon shit, I don't even have a clue as to what it is. Anyway, :) I got a cool book at Sqecial the other day, it's called Magia Blanca (Mustn't let the Spanish die!) The rest of the day is rubbish. I miss my friends from back home!!! Current time: 4:20 PM
(9-9-03) Hey all :) I'm living it up here in Lex :D It's great.
(9-2-03) Whoa!! Been a while, hasn't it? Hehe, well...the good news is that I'm not dead and I have something that some might call a life now that I've moved out of By_God_Glasgow. I've included a steamy (hah)new pic of me...perhaps sometime I can put up a steamy one and not laugh hehe. I got my tongue pierced this weekend isn't that the shizzle (hah)...did I just say shizzle?
(3-22-03) Hello.... -- Well, I've been extremely busy, so I haven't been on here enough to really update. I added a new spanish lesson and an archive so that now the lessons from the other weeks won't be lost every time there's a new one. There's not a whole lot to say at the moment. Perhaps something interesting will happen soon.
(3-14-03) I'm Still Alive :) -- Hi all, just wanted to say I'm not dead or anything :) Just been a bit busy this week. We've had a lot of things to do at school.
(3-9-03) Evening -- Bueno, today has been one of the most boring in a while, not too horrible...but just to throw it into perspective I actually did my homework today AT home. Now that should tell you something. I did my essay for the recc scholarship and I hope hope I get it. It's a bit difficult to write an inteligent essay over "Why Electricity is Important to Me and My Family." Anyhow, at least it was easy. Hrm...I don't really want to go to school tomorrow but I don't mind a whole big lot since we have spring break in four more weeks (ack four weeks is a forever). Oh well, I, I will survive. As long as I know how to...nevermind...
(3-8-03) Afternoon -- Well, I got out and got some fresh air today. It's nice when the weather is more fair than it has been. It's been so dreary lately :/ Well, I'm planning to put a message board and a guestbook on here sometime. Don't know when that will be. We're grilling out today. Anyway...nothing else really important going on at the present.
(3-8-03 Early in the Morning :) -- Today kinda sucked...OK actually it didn't hehe. I went and got a lot of business done with paying bills and stuff that I really needed to do. I am offering a reward. If any of you have seen the below person, I'll give you $74,075.69 USD for her if you turn her in to me :) Thank you.
(psssssssst!!! This is Lorna!!!)
(3-7-03) Happy 40th to Daddy :P
(3-5-03) -- Today kind of sucked...Good news I have gotten is that there are a few scholarships I can go for :) I am kind of pressed for time right now so I'll update some more later...
(3-3-03) -- Today Kind of sucked at first. We went to school, and that's reason enough to suck, but more stuff happened later that kind of made it a little bit better. I will now never take the left arrow on a stop light for granted, and I will never complain for sitting at one for ten minutes. I sat at a stop light for twenty minutes (turning left without a turn arrow) and finally had to illegally get out of the turn lane into the lane to the right of me and get out of there. As the cars piled up behind me I was so mad that I couldn't turn. Horns were honking and some blaring and the sweat beaded and ran down my forhead in this 45 degree weather, (7,2 degrees Celsius for my international friends). It was horrid! I was so stirred up I took a route I never take home.