(5-6-04) ((5:46 PM EDT)) Le Sigh...

Yeah, I overreacted. The poisons have left the building. I just need sleep and less stress.

(5-6-04) ((7:51 AM EDT)) WTF

Yeah, I think I just witnessed the most cruel display of human nature possible. I fucking stayed up cuz HE wanted me to stay up and talk to him. HE didn't want to sleep today. I was waiting for Worth to leave so..yeah... Yeah, well, I don't think I'm going to go to bed now. I couldn't possibly sleep. For the first time I am truly pissed at him. It's not what I didn't ::get to do:: that is bothering me, it's the entire principle of the matter. You just don't do that to a friend.

(5-5-04) ((3:45 PM EDT)) Through the Storm

Yesterday I happened upon a storm
Or, rather, it happened upon me.
It graced me with its presence;
It was beautiful, you see.

It tossed me to and fro;
My body felt torn.
Yet at the same time it quenched my thirst;
I felt near reborn.

The rain poured,
And the thunder clapped.
The lightning struck trees,
And the winds sliced through bone.

Yet through the storm I kept my same pace,
Not sure what to do,
I turned up my face.

I blinked as the rain stung my eyes,
And asked the sky for only one thing,
That whatever the outcome of this hurricane,
Some good it should bring.

Peace came at noon;
It was over at last
For an hour I rejoiced at its absence,
Then I remembered the past.

The storm was over,
But I needed it still.
I begged for its return,
Even if it was I it had to kill.

As the storm erupted again,
Past the deceptive eye,
I lay down in my blood,
And began to cry.

I had gotten my wish;
My desires: fulfilled.
But when the storm truly passed,
I wasn't sure I could heal.

Witnessing the glorious destruction,
There was only one thing I wanted to know.
Then across the sky I saw it appear,
My answer from the heavens-a brilliant rainbow.

(5-5-04) ((12:49 AM EDT)) The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
-Hoobastank

Algún día alguien será la razón.

(5-04-04) ((12:26 PM EDT)) One more final...

...and then I'm finished with my freshman year of college. I have not done as well as I should have, but it's over now. There's nothing I can do to change it, so we'll hope for the best, eh!

John and I are probably going to be getting an apartment. Yeah, in Lexington...God I'm beginning to hate this city, but maybe next year I'll be doing more work and less ::looking for play:: since I don't get to play too often lol...

A friend of mine invited me down to So. Cam. for his b-day tomorrow. I was gonna go before I asked what they'd be doing..."just a lot of drinking"...some people are so bored.

Balin and I talked about my situation, and he gave me advice that I kinda expected. I really do appreciate everything Balin does for me...he's such a great friend to have. Kamini and I talked about relationships too. She and I discussed how it's just nice to hold and be held by someone. It's not necessary though, and there's no need in either of us rushing it.

(5-02-04) ((4:32 PM EDT)) I suppose he's right again.

::Lets out a deep sigh::

I just need to write a bit about what I'm thinking before I can go on with my English paper. I talked to John again last night on the phone. It is always nice to talk to him, because it's like talking to myself, yet I'm not alone. I don't know why we're so alike, but we are. It's freaky, but we are. We're planning on getting an apartment sometime soon, and I hope that works out. I need to talk to Mom about it.

Shawn told me how he felt last night about everything that is going on. I am glad he could tell me. I agreed to stop with the current engagement, because I guess we should not have been doing it in the first place if it bothers him that much. I wasn't getting attached, but I was hoping that he would eventually he would be able to have something with me. I do not want to end this on a sour note at all. I like Shawn a lot; he's a great friend, and he and I share a lot of things in common. I would love to continue to hang around him and do things with him. As he always says, we'll see. I just know I can't take the uncertainty anymore. I was told one thing last night and I wasn't too sure of what he meant. I hope I'm wrong in what I'm thinking, but it's quite possible that I'm not. All I know is that I hope he does find true happiness. I hope he gets another chance at what he really wants. He's told me all along that I deserve better, and every time I've told him that I feel the same about him. I am not a great person, but I think I do deserve something more than what I'm doing to myself. I would love to have made the thing with Shawn work, but one person can't do all of the work or be the only one that is willing. I try to control fate too much. I feel like if I sit back, no one will ever find me. John told me every time he talks to a guy about dating it's like an interview, and that he is the interviewee every time. I feel the same. It's like I'm always trying so hard to make the other guy like me, yet I don't have any "game" I don't even know if gay guys use game. All I can do is be myself, and I suppose if that's not enough, then it's not meant to be. I told John I wish we had something there cuz we're so perfect for each other, but he and I both know that there's just no chemistry there. ::snickers::

Shawn once told me that someone told him "you will always be the guy that hurts people like me." While I want to believe that there are those of us that are hurt and those that do the hurting, it's not true. I know Shawn hurts just as much as I do, we just don't hurt for the same thing. Yes, I was hurt in this, and my hurt subsided a while ago, but I hurt him too. I feel like I got in the way...and for that, I'm so sorry.

I just hope we can both climb out of this as unscathed as possible, and that we can both be happy sometime. I know it'll come eventually.

(5-01-04) ((4:10 PM)) My new shirt's collar tastes like popcorn!

DOT^3

This has been a fun week. I now have things to worry about such as: grades, grades, grades, and grades. I must get a good grade on my finals and this Enlgish paper. I'm going to lock myself in a hole and not come out for a while. I have had my fun for now and I will have more later. For now it's time to study.

Yes, I took the wrong exit, but I made it alright. :)

(4-29-04) ((1:37 PM EDT)) Battle scars...

(4-29-04) ((5:21 AM EDT)) Like, whoa.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

(4-27-04) ((2:08 PM EDT)) Euphoria

Wow, it has been a really great day, and it all started last night. Usually when I have feelings that I know what I want and I know what's going on and my outlook is great the feeling lasts for about ten minutes and then leaves. Since last night, though, I've just felt like I know what I want.

I finally pushed my pride to the side and told Shawn what I was really thinking. I was afraid he would think me a bad person if I did so, but he actually didn't. This I'm glad of. I was going to lie to him just as I was lying to myself about the whole situation, but I chose the truth, 'cuz I've never lied to Shawn and don't wanna start now. Now that he knows how I feel about the situation and I know how I feel about the situation, I think everything is smooth sailing.

I still kinda feel dirty/bad for the way I'm thinking about it, but it's ok. I think it's just a natural thing that's affecting me.

John asked me last night this question: "What would make you happy, Tony?" and I went through sooo many things in my head. I could not think of the one thing that would make me happy. Now I know I can answer that question with complete confidence. Everything I tried to come up with last night had very negative circumstances, and everything had something to do with commitment. Now I can truly say that I do not want a commitment right now, and I'm completely fine with that decision. Nothing could make me happier than how my life is going. ::except maybe A's on all the finals!::

So it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and I think I'll head over and get something to eat.

(4-23-04) ((7:25 PM EDT)) And here I sit alone again

He did what he had to do. I finally let him do it, because I knew I couldn't persuade him otherwise. When he did it, it hurt a little bit, but then it went away. I felt it was the right thing, and I guess it was almost a relief that he did it and I didn't have to. I guess, once again, I got ahead of myself in thinking I knew what I felt.

I went to the mall with Danielle to see if I could get this off of my mind. Actually, at the time, I don't think it felt necessary to get it off of my mind. It was just over and I understood. We went to the mall, and we walked into Dillards. Everything was OK for now...then I started looking for clothes. I was thinking of Shawn the whole time, but he was more in the back of my mind instead of right on it. I was letting things bottle up...

We went to Gap, Abercrombie, and a few other big-name-big-price stores, and all I could think was how cute Shawn was without all of the fake shit society tries to sell. He is original, and he's my idea of perfection; he can't do this right now. That kept repeating over and over in my head. He can't do this right now..."I know what I want, but I know what I have to do."

Danielle and I went to eat. Danielle got chinese and I got spinach pizza which was gross and I didn't eat it. I sat there while Danielle ate and watched all of the people go by holding hands. I longed to be able to hold his hand as we walked through the mall. Danielle should not have been sitting in front of me. It should've been Shawn. I should've been happy. I should have a perfect boy right now, because now is when I need him the most. I have finals coming up and a big paper in English, and right now they don't mean shit to me. Not shit. The scary part is how important these next 2 weeks will be....and they don't mean shit.

I had planned on going in Dawahares and PacSun after Danielle finished eating, but as I sat and watched all of the people go by...all of the straight people with their perfect lives because they don't have to search high and low for someone who acts straight, someone who doesn't conform to stereotypes...I just got more and more depressed. I felt as if I were being pushed into the earth's core, and I felt my eyes sting. Tears formed, but I held them back enough to where they didn't run down my face. I told Danielle I'd just like to go if she was done and she said we would.

No one understands my situation right now. I don't even understand it. I thought I did after Shawn ended it, but I didn't. It's still too early. He told me it would all be ok, and I hope he's right. I know he's right...I trust him. Part of me still holds on to that hope. God this week has been such hell. I'm so tired I should just sleep for days, but every time I wake up I think of Shawn. Every day I feel a different emotion toward him...it's just a big rollercoaster and I didn't know where it would end. I'm glad I have closure. That's all I can be glad for.

I just got back in my room a few minutes ago. When I got back I just sat and cried. I'm about to again right now...I hope this all tapers off soon. I'm sorry Shawn, I wanted to be strong for you in this, but I'm not a strong person. Please forgive me that I'm just making it harder on you.

(4-22-04) ((10:34 AM EDT)) dot dot dot...makes popcorn...

::Wide eyes:: just look...

*drools*

Isn't he just the most adorable, sexy, pretty, cute, tempting thing you've ever seen?? I love that shirt too!!

(4-21-04) ((7:22 AM EDT)) Please tell me it was all a dream

This morning at 4 o'clock I lay in bed and it was all clear in my head. I knew exactly why I did what I did and respected myself for it. Now I have woken up and I'm unable to go back to sleep, because I'm still hanging on to that thread of hope that the ideal will happen.

"dreams are wishes disguised as fantasy. we can never really tell what is waiting in the wings for us, but perhaps we need to take a blind step, a leap of faith... and find out."

I can only hope that it'll be sooner rather than later. I can only hope it'll happen at all. I can only hope, and that kills me.

(4-20-04) ((4:20 PM EDT)) Untitled

I lay in bed last night
Remembering the glow of your face
How it fueled my soul when you smiled
Then I remembered your crying eyes
And my heart was twisted.

I looked past the clouds to one lonely star
And I asked for only one thing
That I could syphon the pain from you
And take it all upon myself
No pain came.

Then I realized that my request could not be fulfilled
And I thanked the fates for the one thing they had given me
One night with you
One opportunity to see your beauty
One hour to watch you sleep

And now I thank you
For that which the fates could not give
One chance

(4-20-04) ((11:44 AM EDT)) *sigh* Astrology

What Planet Are You From?
this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

(4-16-04) ((11:00 AM EDT)) Woo @ Runes

Got this off of Shawn's journal. It's great!

The Cross spread is used to plot the arc of your life and the forces acting on it. It is the most popular spread, giving a very complete view of the situation. Ice Runes are most commonly used for questions about struggle, conflict, and achievement.

The left rune represents an important element of the past. Inguz is the rune of completion and fertility. The presence of this rune suggests that tasks which have been initiated will come to fruition. This rune is associated with Ing and Frey, it is this connection that explains its connotations of both fertility and sexuality. The variant of this rune shown here is reminiscent of the twin strands of life, and of the challenge and rewards of bringing together things complimentary.

The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Wunjo is the rune of Joy. Since joy is least frequently a solitary emotion, this rune often represents mutual or communal bliss. Wunjo is also seen as a rune of the gods and a rune of perfection, carrying with it the elation that blazes from the creation of a perfect work - perhaps this is the true joy of the gods, that they can create perfection. That aside, this rune does not focus on the struggle for perfection or on our inevitable imperfections, but rather on a job well done and the satisfaction that comes from it.

The top rune represents a force that works for you. Laguz is the most strongly feminine of runes, representing water. Deep sexuality is suggested by this rune. Through Laguz, water is seen as the ocean - vast, uncontrollable, ever-changing, and vital. When interpreted as the returning tide, Laguz can also predict the inevitable return from a long journey.

The bottom Rune represents a force that works against you. Sowelu is a strong symbol, for it represents the sun. Unlike equatorial cultures who may see the sun as a harsh and imperial force capable of causing droughts, in the cold north the sun is a purely feminine force that gives life and allows crops to grow. In dark times, this rune represents clarity of sight and the victory of good over evil. Sowelu is irreversible, as the cycles of the sun and seasons are perpetual.

The right rune represents the critical element of the future, at the core of the final outcome. Algiz can be easily recognized as the antlers of the elk that it represents. The elk can represent victory, but is much more appropriately associated with the thrill of the hunt itself. This rune therefore can portend vigor and success in active endeavors. Also, this rune seems symbolic of a hand with outstretched fingers - a protective hand. This hand may suggest that you will be shielded from things negative - the problems still exist, you are spared the brunt of their force.

(4-15-04) ((3:24 PM EDT)) Week from hell weekend should be better??

Yay, I think I'm going to Louisville to stay with Alex tomorrow night, and then I'll hopefully be goign to Thunder over Louisville the next day! ::does a dance:: Of course, if this happens, then I'll be meeting Shawn ::does another dance:: Yes, I think this one is definitely the type I am looking for.

Shawn seems to be the honest type...the kind of guy who just lets ya know what he thinks...and I like that (it reminds me of me). He also is like me in a lot of other ways, but I don't really wanna get into that lol. He's intelligent, caring, real, cute, and has piercings...can't get much better than that! I can't wait to meet him!

(4-12-04) ((2:31 PM EDT)) Weekend from hell followed by the week...

This weekend sucked. If you don't already know the story about Saturday night, you can read about it here. It was not fun, but it's over now. Yesterday I worked all day and went to the gym and that was it. I had a laundry room chat at the end of the day which helped things, but as long as I make it through this week with a few nice grades I'll be fine.

The weather today is worse than I've seen it in a long time. I'd rather it snow than rain and be this cold with such terribly chilling winds. I hate Lexington weather so much. Kris should be in a nice mood today...

Relationships never once crossed my mind until a few weeks ago. Now they're on it quite a bit. I'm realizing how lonely I am, but I don't suppose anyone ever died of depression or lonliness. Maybe this will change sometime in the future. Until then, I suppose I could try getting over some unsaid issues.

(4-10-04) ((2:43 PM EDT)) Esperanzas falsas

Quizá fuera mejor que no fui...pero es difícil decir en este momento. Si yo hubiera ido, yo lo llamaría para ver lo que él diría. Sólo por eso yo quería ir...sólo por eso.

También es posible que él tuviera razón.

(4-9-04) ((4:19 PM EDT)) Hopping around...

Gallery hop is tonight...maybe that will be fun, I'm sure it will. Just found out Annie is going ::yay:: and maybe some other peeps I've yet to meet.

This was supposed to be the week Heather came up. That won't be happening, because her professor got sick or something. This means no one else Will be coming up either...

(4-8-04) ((8:25 PM EDT)) Depression sets in...

My life hasn't been terrible lately. The sun was out today as well as yesterday, and that makes me happy. I've worked this week and it's not bad work...quite fun, actually. I am working my ass off to make that first pay check fat so I can go on a shopping spree...need clothes bad! Also, I'd like a cell phone if clothes are not too expensive.

Peachy life happenings notwithstanding, I find myself depressed again over the same thing I'm always depressed about (dangling preposition). The more research I do on it, the more depressed it makes me. Every time I look it up again I find something worse...something that could happen to me. I'm terrified of the end result.

::Inhales deeply then lets it out:: I suppose only time will tell...

(4-8-04) ((1:24 AM EDT)) ::Deep sigh::

I gave it time, and the time didn't help on this end. Seems it's done some patching, though.

Buddies.

Abrazos y si tengo suerte besotttessss tb...espero verlo de nuevo.

(4-05-04) ((2:31 PM EDT)) Staring hardons...

For all you guys out there: you ever get a hardon just from someone looking at you? How bout if you could only see his eyes? Deep, mysterious black eyes that stare deep into you and know what you are up to, what you're thinking...eyes that know you want him or her and that you could just about take him/her right there on the spot? Well, that happened to me last night. I was in the computer lab after talking to Heather and Will, and Lorna came on so I started bitching to her about my life's problems. Just then, some guy walks in and selects the computer right across from me for some reason...wasn't quite sure why, but I didn't give it much thought. I looked up at him, and he looked back at me. I then sat up in my chair a bit and looked again...he looked back again. It wasn't just a "let's just look at each other" or even a "let's check each other out"...it was a "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I started smiling, because Lorna was telling me to wink and blow a kiss to him :P His head was just tall enough to see over the top of the computer screen, but he kept ducking back down under it. I did the same, but I couldn't hide my eyes like he could. About 30-40 times I felt and saw through peripheral vision that he was staring at me. About 15 times I looked up when I felt him staring. We sat and just stared into each other's eyes for what seemed to be 10 seconds but was probably more like 5...still, 5 seconds is a long time for just a glance. He finally got up and kind of rushed out...I watched after him a bit, and was disappointed when he left. I don't even know who he was, and I barely got a look at the rest of his face. His eyes were enough to drive me mad, though...

Starting at Blazer tonight at 8. This should be interesting. I'm excited about making money :)

Balin's a dear--he bought me some vagina last night so I wouldn't go hungry :) Mom's sending $100 for food, and I love her for it. That should be a good supply of vagina.

(4-02-04) ((1:28 PM EST)) Will it be icing on the cake??

This week has been...different...for me. I've had to deal with feelings with which I've never dealt before, and I think the experience is a good one for me. It's necessary that everyone do this, I suppose, and I'm glad I did. Last night I sat up forever talking to Balin in one of our Boyd-laundry-room talks. He really doesn't know just how much it helps to hear him say some things. My opinion of so many things has changed this week, and I owe part of that to him...actually, I owe most of it to him. (And they're good changes too).

So, this weekend...don't know exactly what's going to happen, but Glasgow will...it should prove to be interesting if nothing else.

(4-01-04) ((12:33 PM EST)) Superstition & phone numbers...

Test was this morning. I thought about studying all morning and did for only about an hour. Test wasn't great, but I don't think it was that bad.

Tire is flat...need to get that aired up ><

Will is going to a historical society convention/camping trip of some sort this weekend, hope that works out to be fun. And the boy is going to too many proms!

Hm...I wish I were more organized.

(3-30-04) ((2:57 PM EST)) Sexy hobbits and a little bit o' drizzle...

Class happened this morning. Both classes! Aren't you all proud of me? ::Ok, so I haven't been skipping THAT much this semester.:: After class, I came in and found that I had a message from Whitney at Blazer. I called her and met with her and I'll be working in BX next week ::does a dance::

Popcorn has not happened, and I don't think it will anytime soon. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but I have a pretty damn good idea. Balin dio en el clavo anoche. Pipes have broken in the hall, and the carpet is flooded. It had better not run in here...It's damn close to it now.

The new bed is too firm. I still prefer Worth's.

(3-29-04) ((11:17 AM EST)) New bed springs and a plastic mattress :/

Well, they fixed my bed this morning. I suppose I should've just had them do that when I first came to the room. It has been kinda dangerous what with the springs popping at Worth's head and all. All is well now, though :)

I am not sure I'd want to go through a bad experience just to learn from it, but it's a good way to be, I suppose. ::dot dot dot::

Dawson's Creek is too dramatic. What girl is gonna get all upset just cuz a guy has a condom in his wallet? I think Kris was right about girls and drama!

(3-28-04) ((12:55 PM EST)) Early Morning Thoughts ::dot dot dot::

The cowpers gland can be pesky sometimes. I'll have to watch out for that.

(3-28-04) ((3:40 AM EST)) I felt infinite.

All that high on life talk seems like such bullshit until it really happens. Everyone must find their moment when they feel truly infinite.

Waxing or waning? Who the fuck cares?!

Olfactory lobe's working overtime...

(3-25-04) ((3:18 PM EST)) Así es la vida

Hm, well...spring break is over, and now I have my shox as well as some more gym clothes and a new outfit. Need more clothes, more clothes ugh! I have to get a fucking job but no where is hiring desperate college students--what's the world coming to?

School is going...well it's going. The gym's a nice escape, and hopefully tonight I'll have a different type of escape...if my plans prove to be a good idea. Heading to the gym after I get this finished, actually.

Not sure if the swelling in my leg is ever going to go down. I really hope it does. I can't stand asymmetry ::sp?:: Nothing important has happened. Oh! Mom bought me a summer membership at the Y. It's not the Johnson Center, but it's a gym at least. Got a cartilage piercing and was told to not become one of "those people". Weird thing is those people attract me :)

Made an Andy desktop today. It's quite nice and rather juicy.