[Scene: A room containing a
couch, a smaller couch, an armchair or two, a very well-stocked bar, and a
big-screen TV. It is empty. Outside the door, however, a conversation is
clearly audible.
Voice 1: (a rather snotty
voice) Absolutely not! I refuse to sit through
this...filth...and especially not with him!
Voice 2: Oh, shut up,
Malfoy. I'm not exactly thrilled
either.
Voice 3: Both of you shut
up. My incriminating photographs, my rules. Now get in
there.]
[The door opens and three
people walk in. The first is Draco Malfoy, who is looking like his
aristocratic nose has been put even
further out of joint than usual. Rather
like each year when Gryffindor wins the House Cup. The second is Harry Potter,
who is just as unhappy but less sneering. He is glowering amateurishly at the
last person to enter, a redheaded girl in black.
Harry: What photos do you
have, anyway?
Cygna: You. Ginny. Drunk and disorderly. Taking advantage. Need I say more?
Draco: (laughs nastily)
Harry: But--we never--
Cygna: I know that, but her
brothers don't. Photoshop is a wonderful thing, Harry. C'mon, it's not that
bad. I'm not actually going to pass them out, as long as you sit here, don't
kill Draco, and commentate. And, Draco, I didn't even have to edit those photos
of you and Pansy Parkinson after the Yule Ball.
Draco: (blushes) (blonds
blush almost as incandescently as redheads) (hastily changing the subject) So, what are we doing exactly, Muggle
girl?
Cygna: We're MSTing, and don't call me that.
Draco: Well, you are.
Cygna: Shush. Sit, watch, comment. Like a Quidditch
match, only with bad fanfic. Surely you've had this
explained to you before?
(They sit on the sofa. Cygna
sits between Harry and Draco, to keep them from mauling each other.)
Cygna: Roll fic!]
Disclaimer: I do not own anything! Nothing!
[Draco: Well, there goes my
plan to sue you for all you have.]
Not Dumbledore, not Harry, not Hermoine,
[Harry: I should hope not!
Cygna: Poor little mini-Aragog.]
not Ron,
not Draco, Blaise, Pansy, Seamus, Ginny, Sirius,
Snape, McGonagall, Lupin, Narcissia,
No I don’t even own Voldemort
[Draco:...Is
there some reason you would want to?
Cygna: Well, if we mean
'own' in the netspeak sense, then it's what Harry's been wanting to do all series.
Harry: Joy. Look, another
mini-Aragog!
Draco: There may be some
reason 'Narcissa' is difficult to spell, but I can't
think of one.]
. ……..But I do own Celeste so hope is not lost yet.
[Draco: And who might
Celeste be?
Harry: I have a bad feeling
about this.]
Warning: this does contain slash! dont
like dont read.
[Draco: Now I have a bad feeling about this.
Cygna: What's a 'dont'?
Draco: The opposite of
'wont'?
Cygna: I am dont to do my homework on time, meaning I tend not to? Works for me.
Harry: You people are weird.
And pretentious.]
Parings: HP/DM, RW/OC, OO/DT, BZ/SF, GW/TN, HG/VK, SB/TONKS, RL.NM
[Harry:...Does
this come with explanatory subtitles?
Draco: Some Quick-Quotes
Quills do that, if they get over warranty. They start writing out random
letters.
Cygna: Actually, those are
the couples. I think. Or maybe they're the people who are going to slice each
other into fine strips. They are 'parings', after all.
Draco: What couples are
they? (in an undertone) Please not the Mudblood, please not the Mudblood...
Cygna: Well, there's you and
Harry--
Draco: Crap. Worse than the Mudblood.
Harry: WHAT?!
Cygna: That's what it says.
Draco: (shrinks into
cushions) I hate this already.
Harry: Never thought I'd
agree with you on something.
Cygna: (continuing the pairing
list) Ron and an Original Character, probably our not-at-alll-dear
Celeste, someone with the initials 'O.O.' and Dean, Blaise
and Seamus--
Harry and Draco: WTF?!
Cygna:--Ginny and...Theodore Nott, maybe? Hermione and Krum,
Sirius and Tonks, and possibly Remus
and your mother, Draco.
Draco: (stunned) Wait, what?
Harry: Ew! He has much better taste than that!
Draco: It's not his taste
that's at issue, it's Mother's. To even consider a werewolf--"
(Harry and Draco attempt to
hex each other. They miss.)
Cygna: Ow!
Hey!
Harry: (profoundly
unrepentant) Sorry.
Draco: (likewise) Sorry.]
Notes: this takes place in 5th year, Umbridge
is not here(because shes and
evil witch),
[Harry: Can't argue that, if
it says what I think it's trying to say.
Draco: She says 'witch' like
it's an insult.]
and sirius IS NOT DEAD!
[Harry: Or capitalized.
Cygna: Ah, the prices we pay
for our lives.
Draco: Actually, that
sentence rather reminds me of you, Potter. Wasn't the random capitalization
your thing?
Cygna: (fwaps
Draco) Stop it. It's not polite, even if it's true.]
To Our Good Sides!
[Draco:
May they never come to the surface at inconvenient moments!
Harry:
Too late on your part, Malfoy.
Draco:
Oh, shut it, Potter.]
Shocking
Dumbledore was just about to retire for the evening when he heard a
knocking at the door.
[Harry: I don't like this.]
‘Odd’, he thought, glancing up at the clock above his bed.
[Cygna: He's still up at
three in the morning? That man works too hard.
Harry: Wait, wizards have
digital clocks?
Draco: No.
Harry: I was afraid of
that.]
. "Who would be up at this hour?" he asked himself before fully
realizing the irony of that statement.
[Draco: I was going to
comment, but it really isn't necessary.]
Carefully he set the mug of hot chocolate that he was carrying down and
walked to the door. As he opened it he found, much to his surprise, a young
girl, no more than 15 years of age.
[Draco:...Does
Dumbledore often get underage girls delivered to his doorstep in the middle of
the night?
Harry: Malfoy!
Cygna: (fwaps
Draco) I was wondering about that myself. But no, it says he was surprised.]
She was dripping wet and soaked
with blood and had bruises lining her face and arms.
[Harry: Why isn't she dead?
Or isn't it all her blood?
Draco: How does one 'line'
one's face and arms with bruises, exactly? It calls to
mind the image of a bow with black and blue lining.
(All visualize Box!Mary Sue. They laugh.)]
She had shoulder length chestnut brown hair, though it was matted with
blood. Her warm hazel eyes, which held a scared look to them, looked up
cautiously.
[Cygna: How does one get wet
and have one's hair matted with blood? Wouldn't the rain work on the principle
of a shower?
Harry: Logic, it is the weapon
the Suethor knows not.
Draco: (rolls his eyes)
Cygna: (laughs)]
She had two suitcases on either
side of her person, and had her arms protectively wrapped around her body.
[Harry: Who runs out into
the rain with four suitcases?
Draco: She was planning
this, wasn't she? Runaway!Sue.]
"My goodness child, come in. What happened your soaking wet, and bleeding.
[Draco: Wait, what?
Cygna: I think he just asked
what happened to her soaking wet, whatever that is, and Bleeding, whoever that
is.
Draco: Oh. (contemplatively) I wonder if Mother would get me a soaking
wet for my birthday.]
You must be freezing."
[Harry: The Dumbledore I
know would be more worried about the fact that she's bleeding.
Draco: I always knew the old
man had no grasp of priorities, but this is ridiculous.]
He led her to a chair by the fire
and picked up the mug of hot chocolate that he had previously disregarded.
"Here drink this, it’ll warm you and chocolate is a curl all.
[All: (stare blankly at the
screen) A what?
Cygna: A curl all? Like the
opposite of hair straightener? It makes it curly?
Draco: What would she need
hair care products for at a time like this? And since when does chocolate have
anything to do with hair?
Harry: Maybe her hair was
attacked by Dementors.
Draco: (sniggering) She's certainly demented enough.]
I shall call Madam Pomfrey at once, she’ll fix you
right up."
[Harry: Wait, they're at
Hogwarts? Since when can you just wander all the way to the Headmaster's office
without running into someone?
Draco: Maybe it's summer.
But with four suitcases, while bleeding? Please.]
As he was bustling around a frown
plastered on his face, a small tinkling sound reached his ears,
[Cygna: Ewww!
Good grief, girl, there must be a bathroom around here somewhere! Use it!
Draco: (facepalms)]
laughter.
[Draco: See? SEE?
Cygna: Thank gods.]
‘What a brave girl, to bear all
this and still have the will to laugh’, he thought.
[Harry: Bear all what? What
happened to her?
Draco: For that matter, what
is she laughing at? Did Dumbledore put something in that cocoa?
Cygna: Drugged!Hysterical!Sue. I like it.]
After he notified Madam Pomfrey, retrieved a
blanket, and made another cup of hot chocolate, he sat in the chair opposite her's.
[Draco: Now do you see why
he should leave the school?
Harry: Should not!
Draco: The one in the story,
idiot.
Harry: I'm not an idiot, ferretface!
Draco: Why, you--!
Cygna: Boys, chill. Go get a
drink or something. Wine to start with. Draco, there should be a nice Cabernet
at the front.
Draco: (fetches the wine)
Here. (pours two glasses)
Cygna: (gives Draco a Look)
Draco: (pours a third)]
She sipped at the hot chocolate
and pulled the blanket tighter around her small frame as she gazed quietly into
the fire. After a long pause she sighed and looked up into Dumbledores
twinkling, blue eyes.
[Harry: Wait, he's plural
now?
Cygna: The other one's his
brother.]
"I have some explaining to do don’t I grandpa?",
she asked.
[Harry: (spits wine halfway
across room) What?!
Draco: I'll have you know, I
know all the pureblood family trees in
Cygna: Duh. She's a Mary
Sue.]
"Yes, Celeste, I believe you do", was the cryptic answer she
got in return.
[Cygna: How is that cryptic?
Harry: By Dumbledore
standards, that's blindingly obvious.
Draco: By anyone's standards, it's blindingly
obvious.]
SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGS
[All: Wha?
Cygna: Scene break, maybe? I
hope?
Harry: What does it mean?
Cygna: Slytherin and Gryffindor,
I bet. OTP!
Harry and Draco: (look
askance at her) (sidle away)]
It had been a week since Celeste had shown up in his door way. Dumbledore
was deep in conversation with Professors Snape and Pomfrey
[Draco: Madam Pomfrey isn't a Professor. Duh.
Harry: Shows how much she
knows.]
when the
doors to the great hall opened and in walked Professor McGonagall followed by a
young girl who looked nervous, confident, and excited all at once.
[Harry: No matter what
Hermione says, I don't think you can feel all those things at once, much less
look them.
Cygna: How do you look
nervous and confident at the same time, anyway?
(They try. It only results
in some very interesting zombie faces.)
Draco: (sniggers)
Cygna: To quote Calvin and
Hobbes, real zombies never give each other the giggles.]
Dumbledore stood up and raised his
hand indicating he wanted silence. "Students and teachers, we have the honor of having a new student join us today." An
excited murmmer
[Draco: A what?
Cygna: A murmmer.
One who murmms.
Harry: You people are
crazy.]
went
around the great hall. "Meet Celeste Riddle"
[Draco and Harry: (sputter)
Draco: A Riddle?
What--how--the Dark Lord doesn't--ew!
Harry: No. No way. Please,
please, no. I refuse to go to school with the daughter of my worst enemy!
Cygna: And Dumbledore's her
grandfather, right? So either Tom married Dumbledore's daughter, or Dumbledore
is Tom's father. Or mother.
Draco and Harry: Ewwwww! Stop that, woman!
Cygna: I was just
extrapolating from the data.
Draco: Well, don't. Some of
us may at some future point have to look one or more of those involved in the
face, you know.]
Mcgonagall had put the chair down and indicated for her
to sit. Celeste sat with such grace and poise it could of
made Malfoy jealous.
[Draco: Say what?!
Harry and Cygna: (sporfle)
Draco: (immensely dignified)
I do not get jealous of people who sit on chairs with particular grace and
poise, especially not when they are incapable of telling the difference between
'have' and 'of'.
Cygna:...Okay,
that's not bad for poise. How about grace?
Draco: Quiet, Muggle.]
She was wearing the blue pleated
skirt, black mary jane shoes, a white blouse, the
matching blue vest, and the black Hogwarts robes.
[Harry: The? Is there only one or something?
Draco: That is not uniform.
The uniform skirts and vests are grey. Is the author colour-blind?
Cygna: Probably not. Most
Mary Sue writers are female.]
As the hat was placed on her head
on raspy voice whisperd in her ear, 'Well it's not
very often I am woken up in the middle if the school year, what can I do for
you?"
[Harry: So...it was the
middle of the school year, and Celeste Gag-me Riddle got all the way up to the
Headmaster's office, carrying four suitcases and bleeding, without anyone
seeing her?
Draco: And she was dripping
blood and water all over, yet Filch didn't catch her? I don't think so!]
"Aren't you suppose to sort me?"
[Cygna: (as Sorting Hat) Gee, what tipped you off? Was it the name, you know,
'Sorting Hat'?]
"Well that depends..
[Harry: It does? On what?
Cygna: On whether or not the
person wearing the hat needs a Deus Ex Machina sword,
that's what. Any comments, Harry?
Harry: Er,
no.]
.let me see Huffelpuff is out of the question
as is Ravenclaw.
[Draco: (as Sorting Hat) Because you're a bitch queen and dumb as a troll. A particularly stupid troll.]
You are smart no doubt yet
Ravenclaw is not for you.
[Harry: No doubt? I doubt plenty.]
You are couragous
like a Gryffindor, yet as cunning as a Slytherin.
[Cygna: Couragous?
Draco: It's the particular
Gryffindor blend of courage and stupidity.
Harry: Malfoy!
Draco: Shut up.
Cygna: If she's cunning,
consider me something I'm not.]
Difficult, very
difficult indeed."
"I can try to help, I'd like to be in slytherin,
if you dont mind me making a request."
[Harry: Why do they always
get to choose, anyway? Stupid Sues, stealing my thunder.
Cygna: Oh, just you wait.]
"Slytherin? Not many would choose to go
there, it is a dark house."
[Draco: Hey, the lighting in
the dungeons isn't that bad!]
"See thats why I
want to go there, to prove to people that not all Slytherins
are evil."
[Cygna: Way to prove the
opposition's case for them, genius.
Draco: Not all Slytherins are evil! Everyone knows that!
Harry: Yeah? Name two.
Draco: Zabini
and Professor Slughorn.
Harry: No fair! This is set
in fifth year!
Draco: You didn't mention
that.]
"Thats very couragous of you, I think you couragousness
would be better suited for Gryffindor..."
[Draco: Yup, the feckless
idiocy that does more harm to its friends than its enemies definitely goes to
Gryffindor.
Harry: Now, see here,
Malfoy--!
Cygna: Be a good boy and
drink your wine.]
"No', she interupted, "I can feel it,
Slytherin is the right choice."
"Yes perhaps your right, all right then.
SLYTHERIN!", it shouted.
[Draco: Damn and blast.]
"Thank you" she whisperd right before
she hopped down.
[Cygna: She what'd?
Draco: Whisperd.
It's a nerdy kind of whisper.]
She glanced at the Slytherin table
as they cheered and smiled as she caught one persons
eye in particular.
[Draco: I have this sense of
impending doom. I need more wine.
Cygna: (pours) Enjoy.]
Then she looked at her clothes and
then back at Dumbledore. He seemed to know what she wanted because he simply
rolled his eyes and said "only this once", as if he was used to her
antics.
[Harry: Poor Professor
Dumbledore.
Draco: I wouldn't wish this
girl on even you, Potter. He's used to her?
Cygna: Some people build up
immunity to Mary Sues through prolonged contact. Though, in that case, I'd
expect you two to be completely immune by now.]
She closed her eyes in
concentration as a white light surrounded her for a second. Instantly the
lining of her hood was green, her tie had green stripes and the Slytherin crest
was now on her robes.
[Draco: How'd she do that? Even Metamorphmagi need to change
clothes.
Harry: So this doesn't
happen often?
Draco: If it did, we
wouldn't spend half as much on robes.
Cygna: That was a magical
girl transformation sequence, that was. Flash of white
light and all. This isn't Celeste Riddle any more; it's Magical Girl Sparklypoo. Which, when you come to think
of it, explains a lot.
Harry: I will pretend I
didn't hear that. There are too many Sailor Moon crossovers already.]
A collective gasp went around the
great hall as she made her way over to her new table.
[Cygna: (as students) Gasp! Another one! Wait, was she
naked during that transformation sequence?]
Halfway there she stopped dead, for infront of
her was, Draco Malfoy.
[Draco: Oh, damn it all.
Please kill me.
Harry: Happy to oblige.
Cygna: No Unforgivables in the movie room!]
"Malfoy" she said cooly, "How
lovely to see you again."
[Draco: (as himself)
Yes...lovely. By the way, exactly how
much of a reward is awaiting the person who returns you to the Dark Lord in
several piece?]
"Riddle,
and unexpected pleasure".
He spat the word pleasure as if it left a bad taste in his mouth.
[Cygna: (sporfles)
Harry and Draco: Ew! Drop it, woman!]
They glared at each other for what
seemed like hours.
[Harry: It was. In the
meantime, everyone else ate dinner and left. The end.]
Finally Draco's
sneer gave way to a smile and Celeste started laughing.
[Draco: I just want to know
who aimed the Cheering Charm at me while I was distracted.
Cygna: That's really all you
want to know?
Draco: No, but there are
people who can find the author's address for me. I don’t want to know, I will
know.]
She ran to meet him and he picked
her up spinning her around.
[Harry: And around, and
around, until they threw up on each other as a sign of their true love. The end.
Draco: Not funny, Potter.
Harry: Oh, I think it’s very
funny.
Draco: You would.]
The great hall was shocked into silence.
[Cygna: I nearly think so!
Weird freak girls named Celeste Riddle getting Sorted
in the middle of the year…If that doesn’t shock people into silence, what
does?]
Malfoy NEVER smiled, and weren't
they just glaring at each other a moment ago?
[Cygna: Yes, they were. Glad
you can keep up. What is the school coming to? Students with no short-term
memory! I never!
Draco: I do so smile!
Harry: No, you don’t. You
smirk, you sneer, and you look smug. You don’t smile.
Draco: Yes I do. Not when
I’m around you, obviously, but when
I’m with my intellectual and magical equals.
Cygna: (observing) Harry, I
think you just got owned.
Harry: What? No I didn’t! I
don’t belong to anyone!
Cygna: Whoops, netspeak again. Sorry. What I mean is,
you have just been beaten most mercilessly.
Harry: Oh. Okay. (pause) Wait, what?! I was not!
Cygna and Draco: (snigger)]
He finally put her down and kissed
the top of her head.
[Draco: (as himself) Ew! Sue germs! Get them off of
me!!!
Cygna: Draco, those were
more exclamation points than strictly called for by a rational individual.
Draco: I just kissed the
Sue’s nasty glittery hair, how rational would you be?
Cygna:…Point.
Pour yourself some more wine.
Draco: (does so)]
"Couldn't help showing off, could you?",
he laughed.
[Harry: Can they ever?
Draco: Have any of yours?
Harry: Well, there was that
girl who was self-conscious and wore baggy clothes…No, wait, she got a
makeover. No, not that I’ve noticed.]
"Nope".When
she saw Pansy and Blsise
[Draco: Who?]
she
squealed and ran over to engulf them in a giant hug.
[Cygna: Mini-Aragogs do not liiiiiike it when
Sue hugses them, nooooo, preciousss…
Harry: Cygna. Wrong series.
Cygna: Ooops.
Sorry. I get attacks of Gollum every now and then. They pass.
Draco: You are insane. What
is a Gollum?
Cygna: Character from a book
series. You wouldn’t have heard of it.]
Up at the head table, Dumbledore's eyes twinkled mischievously,'perhaps
this year shall prove to be quite interesting after all.'
[Draco: That man…I always
knew he was off his rocker, but aiding and abetting Mary Sues? I would never
have guessed it, not even of him.
Cygna: I think he must mean
‘interesting’ as in ‘May you live in interesting times’.
Harry: Sorry? What?
Cygna: It’s a curse. You
should be able to see why. You’ve spent years living in interesting times.
Harry: Oh. Got it.
Draco: I still think he’s encouraging her.
Cygna: Think of it as a sure-fire way to get him
fired.
Harry: (interrupting) Hey!
Cygna: Do you really want a Headmaster who lets such
undeniably Dark creatures—
Draco: They are not! The Dark Arts have better colour
sense.
Cygna:--such undeniably Urple
creatures into your school?
Harry: No, I guess not.
Draco: Hah!
Cygna: Right, I’m going to make popcorn before we do
the next chapter. Don’t kill, maim, injure, curse, hex, jinx, bespell, enchant, charm, punch, kick, slap, bite, scratch,
pummel, or otherwise inflict or attempt to inflict injury on each other,
please.
Draco & Harry: (try to think of a way around this
prohibition) (fail)
Cygna: (marches off to the kitchen)