| JOKES GALORE |||||||||| WARNING ||||| EXPLICIT CONTENTS SORRY |||||||||||||||||| |
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| Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door
of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door
open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." |
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A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The
man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
| A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to
celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, So what would you like, sweetie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace? She says, I want a divorce. He says, Sorry, I wasn't planning on spending that much. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a
bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
| A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of
whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?" The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor." The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three. The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
| A rather attractive woman goes up to
the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who
comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he
should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently
caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord? she asks,
softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no he replies. Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him? she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't, breathes the barman - clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do? Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you. The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper? Bob says, OK. Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, Uh, yeah, OK. Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis? The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, I don't know, but I
ain't touching it. |
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The son comes running up to his mom and says...Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours! The mom says...the bigger they are, the dumber they are. So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says...Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's! The mom says...the bigger they are, the dumber they are. So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says...Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
| Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their
favorite sex positions:
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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The doctor then says, I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening. The man replies, Okay. Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy
screams, Oh My God!!. What's wrong?, says the wife. The man replies, I
just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he
gave me my medicine. |
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